Friday, May 8, 2009

Comfortable With Yourself

"The worse loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." Mark Twain

For too long I walked around feeling as if I weren't attached to myself, almost as if I was outside my body walking beside it rather then actually being in it. Being separate and not a part of who I was, was a totally weird sensation. It's almost like floating through the world; - not being grounded.

My body wasn't safe. I felt like it betrayed me. It allowed all the abuse, - the beatings, the kidnap and the rape to happen. In my mind, just being seen and having a female body caused the violence. It was my enemy. I fought with myself, trying to force the fear and terror to go away - I fought against myself to be strong, but I was afraid, so afraid I couldn't stand it. The fear forced me to pull more and more into myself and away from reality.

As a kid, I willed myself to disappear until I couldn't feel anything. I lived in my head, in fantasies that took me to another place, a safe place. A place where no one could hurt me. But even that stopped working at some point. I needed to find something stronger, more effective that lifted me out of the pain and shame and fear. So I cut myself, ripped open my skin, injected my body full of dope and forced myself to throw up even if I ate one small bite of something. I told myself, I wasn't allowed to exist. I had been told over and over I deserved nothing, I was garbage, worthless, ungrateful. I believed it. Words are so powerful. I lived on those words, falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole that became harder and harder to get out of.

And then, He touched me. He pulled me up and out of that pit of hell. In a hospital emergency room, where I lay under oxygen - the damage I had done to my body extensive - He touched me. He redeemed me. He breathed life into me. I felt it. I knew something supernatural had happened. It was powerful. So powerful I stopped using the drugs. Right from that moment. Fourteen years of shooting up, three and four times a day,- Gone - Over - because of His touch.

I don't know why He chose to free me. Why me? I'm no more special than anyone else. I thought of friends who died, friends who took their own lives or accidentally overdosed, - why me? Why did He let me live? I don't understand but I am determined now to to look back, as painful as it is, for one purpose, - to reach out and help someone else caught in their own cycle of torment. There is hope. There is freedom - For me, I found it in Him. When nothing else worked, He did. He touched me. He changed me. He turned the light of His love on. The darkness left. The fear went. Now I live with tremendous joy and gratitude.


Epiphany said...

You know I think it's nearly impossible to see the bigger picture and that God might have a bigger plan for us when we're in the midst of hell.

But you can see that now.

Sometimes it's the only way to look back on things that are horrific - to see that your experience will change someone else's life. As harsh as it sounds, I honestly do believe that's why God lets us experience some things. He gave us free will, and yes, He has the power to change things if He wants to, but He doesn't fiddle with our lives. He lets us walk our journey and stays with us, and helps us find our way back to Him. But if He intervened all the time then we'd learn nothing, right?

Sorry I'm rambling on, it's just my thoughts coming out.

Anyway so why did He choose to free you? Because you're a part of the plan. His plan. From reading your blog I'd guess the plan is to save others, save others who might not be as strong as you, others who might not be as courageous as to speak out as you are doing.

He chose you because you have a job to do. And in my humble opinion - you're doing it right now, here on this blog.

R.L.Scovens said...

God is SO good. More people need to know that He can pull them out of ANYTHING!

Debbie Thorkildsen said...

I'm so glad God brought you freedom so you could show others the way. You have an awesome story to tell - your life story. I'm so glad you are finally sharing it.