Friday, July 3, 2009

"Faith is like radar that sees through the fog - the reality of things at a distance that the human eye cannot see." Corrie Ten Boom."

Since we moved, I've been a mess - really tired and totally frustrated. A few things went wrong and I buckled. I don't like me when I'm like this. It feels too much like the old me - wild - on edge - out of control. I hate the clutter. I hate the boxes. I need order. I need space with things put away. My head knows it will happen in time but I also can't find things. Like the card the publisher gave me at the writing conference. He told me to call him. He told me he wanted to help me. I can't find his card. I want to give up.

As I drove to work I prayed. I put the music on full blast. Music that sang of God's love and care. I started to calm down. I hadn't prayed since we moved. Too much confusion. Too much chaos.

"God, where did I put that card?" The thought jumped in my head, 'the green pencil case.' The green pencil case? Ok then, where did I put that pencil case? Silence. All day, I thought of that pencil case. All day I wondered where I had put it. Came home. Told my daughter and said it could be in one of a gazillion boxes. She opened up one and pulled out a green pencil case. "This it?" she asked. We opened it and there was the publisher's card.

The missing piece for me - Prayer. Trust. Faith that God knows. He's with me. Even in the chaos. Even in the mess.

Closing my eyes I see myself fighting to survive. Fighting to get away from people who are hurting me - climbing a six foot fence in the middle of winter, with no shoes desperate to escape - cowering under the blows of my father's hands - cringing from the stick my mother beat me with - fighting myself - throwing up, cutting and biting my arms, shooting dope - getting high to numb out - forcing myself to be strong, to not buckle - to stay alive.

I feel God's love. His care. The gentleness of His touch. Stop fighting I tell myself. You don't need to fight anymore. For today, it's ok again. For today, I can trust. And breathe. And know He is with me. I can let go and still be safe.


9 comments:

Andrea said...

Great reminder for each of us..PRAY FIRST and ALWAYS!
Thank you, andrea

Christensen said...

I love this song! How did you get it? It is one of my favorite passages in the Bible! :)

Christensen said...

Nikki, it was great reading your note. Why? Because it let me know that I'm not alone in the struggle. Your thoughts have been ones that I have thought. Yet...it was also good to see that someone was further along on the road of healing. Hope that maybe God will also make His presence known to me (or I will feel it). And hopefully, God will use our honesty and opennedss to bring healing to us...and to others.

Epiphany said...

Sometimes He reminds us what do do in really simple ways, doesn't he?

Terri Tiffany said...

Did I miss your post about the conference??
I feel your anxiety--my husband is reading a book about the peaks and valleys in life--like a heartbeat on an EGK--it is life and we go up and down. Hopefully you will sort it all out and be back up on the peak soon!

Mommyof2girlz said...

Hopping by to say hello from the blog hop. Have a fun and safe Independents Day :)

Shelly said...

Hi there, dropping by from the blog hop. Have a happy 4th of July weekend!

http://www.atticgirl.blogspot.com

Kate Anne said...

Thanks for the reminder, Sarah. Good to remember, too, however that when we don't find something there is purpose in that too. All things in God's time. That said, it important to ask, and to listen. And to find peace in the moment. Blessings to you and yours. Peace hugs!

Denise said...

I am praying for you.