Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Forgiveness

"Peace is not possible without forgiveness" Naomi Drew

When God touched me I knew I had to forgive those people who hurt me. I thought it wouldn't be so hard to forgive my parents. I forgave them a gizillion times. No matter what they said, no matter what they did - no matter how awful they treated me - I forgave them. At least I thought I had forgiven them. I think now I just minimized the things they did and made excuses for them.

I thought of the judges, the police, the "professionals" who locked me up, over medicated me, tied me down - did what they wanted. I hated them even more than I hated my parents. I forgave them. Then I thought of what they did and I hated them again.
When I remembered the things they did, I wanted to hurt myself. Take the anger and hatred out on me. The hatred made me crazy. I didn't want to hold onto the hate so I forgave them again and again and again. I"m still doing that.

The rapist was even harder to forgive. He hadn't just hurt me. I found out he had hurt kids. Somehow I could forgive him for what he did to me but not for what he did to the kids. When I heard that his son killed himself and what he had done to the boy - I hated him. I wanted to see him punished. And I hated the boy's mother for not protecting him. I didn't want to forgive. I'm working on it.

The hardest to forgive though was myself. I hated me more than I hated everyone else. I hated myself so much I wanted to destroy me. That's why for a long time I couldn't stop hurting myself. Even sometimes now when I'm tired, frustrated or impatient about something - I want to hurt myself. I won't though. I run instead. Or write. The intensity of the feelings overwhelms me.

Forgiveness isn't so easy. I remember how much God forgave me. When He did, the peace and joy I felt were amazing. Like being released from prison. Walking free. Forgiveness. I want to keep on trying to make forgiveness a way of living because I want peace in my life. And I want others to know peace too.









13 comments:

Gin said...

I once read that wise people always forgive, but they never forget. Forgiveness is a tough thing, but you are right, it will bring you peace. I applaud you for recognizing this. You are an extremely strong person.

Madison said...

I think sometimes the closest you can get is to say that you are willing to forgive and available to God to work it out in your life.

Andrea said...

For me, forgiveness began as a choice and in time my heart caught up with my actions.

Much love and prayers, andrea

Sharon Faith said...

Sarah, what you went through I could not possibly imagine nor write to you and say, "I understand what you went through" because I did not go through it.

The only thing I can give you is my faith in God. God is able to help you forgive those who hurt you. God is able to do the things which we can not do ourselves. Once you allow God to begin mending your heart you will see His good works slowly beginning within you. Revenge is God's work not ours. Forgiveness is hard, yes, but take it from me, with God's grace and mercy it is so much easier.

I pray my sweet Sarah that God will in fact beginning mending your brokenness today.

God bless and much love to you.

Terri Tiffany said...

I agree with you. Forgiving someone for the pain they cause us is sooooo very hard. I struggle with that every day and when I think of situations I get so angry. I know we forgive so we don't hurt anymore--so they don't have power over us anymore or destroy one more day of our life. We forgive so we can love others. You are doing awesome!

Denise said...

Asking God to shower you with love,and peace.

Lisa Marie said...

Wow. This line spoke volumes to me:

The hardest to forgive though was myself. I hated me more than I hated everyone else.

I feel that way every day. A forever battle, I fear.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Having experienced some of the same things you did (sexual violation, extreme child abuse), I know how hard forgiveness is. We are not called only to forgive, but also to love. Wow, that is hard!! Like you, I am still working on it, especially the love part.

Surgeon In My Dreams said...

It does seem easier to forgive the others than yourself..........

Epiphany said...

I can really relate to this Sarah. xx

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

I think you are right, surgeon, that it is easier to forgive others than ourselves, but I don't think we can ever reach the stage of going beyond forgiveness to love of those others unless we do forgive -- and love -- ourselves. If God forgives us and loves us, who are we not to do the same?

Escapist said...

U r rightooooo!!!



Joolliiieeessss:-)

VICKI IN AZ said...

You are incredibly brave.
I want to know you better.
I am glad to have found your blog.
Take Care.
Vicki