Wednesday, September 23, 2009


"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live."  Flora Whittemore
      All day yesterday I walked around feeling lower than a snake. I couldn't shake the feeling. Came home from work and even hugs from my nine year old didn't make me feel better. 
     I felt like a crumb - a worthless crumb. I went for a walk to try to get rid of the feeling but I couldn't. I wanted to just crawl in a hole.

It was that rejection. Not winning the contest. Maybe they were right - I can't write. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe everything I've done this last year was for nothing. Writing - praying - believing it was from God......

     But today...... Something changed - something shifted inside me. That crummy feeling lifted. I heard God - His whisper in my spirt  - I'm in this. It is my will. 
     My friend called. My writer friend. She said something wonderful happened. I asked if something she wrote was accepted for publication - or did one of her four daughters do something awesome.......
     Her voice - filled with excitement -  I told my massage therapist that you'll be speaking in October, that your story is awesome......Before I left she asked me to write down the time and address. She wants to come. She wants to hear. 

     That's your wonderful news - I asked. You bet! The strength of her words lifted me out of the crummy place. She told me my writing is story is incredible - that it will touch lots of people and she is in my corner. 
I met her online. Three months after I started writing. She did a sample critique -  Then asked where I lived. It blew me away when she said she lived in the same city as me. She wanted to meet. I couldn't. The shame. It took me three months to finally meet her. We've become really close friends. She's a writer, a Christian, a youth worker with girls in trouble. God knew. He knew we needed each other. 

     I went to work today. Wanted to stand on a table and shout - Guys, listen. I'm not who you think I am. I have a secret. A secret I need to tell so I can be free - so others can be free. If you don't like me anymore I don't care. I can't carry the shame anymore. It wasn't my fault. 

     I work in a hospital. People trust me. They see me as fun  - together - But I'm not who they think. The fighter ....the street....still lives inside me. I want to fight for others now. I want to help them get free. To give them hope.

The words have been stuck inside me too long. The shame has crippled me. I haven't been free. 
     But something has shifted. I am going to tell. I need to tell the truth of what happened. I need to do it for me - for my girls, for others - 
I feel a strength I didn't have before. I feel a determination - a drive - a focus. It's the right thing.


Andrea said...

Praising GOD for the shift at the core of your being. Indeed, GOD will use you in ways you can't even comprehend. Stay focused on the Heavenly Father. HE has a perfect plan.
Blessings, andrea

RCUBEs said...

It feels scary to be out there and tell about your story. But I pray that the Lord will reveal it in your heart the steps you need to take in order for you to enjoy the freedom Christ died for, for us to enjoy.

Jeremiah 29:11 -"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Love and blessings to you Sarah.

Terri Tiffany said...

Sound like you made a wonderful friend! And don't let losing contests bother you-- I've lost many! But we learn from each one:)

Denise said...

Yes, praise God, it is the right thing dear.

Maria said...

Woow thank you for sharing this! Im so glad you left a comment on my blog, so that I could find yours, thank you:)

Gin said...

You are going to do great! I know it!

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Sounds like you have a great friend! I'm happy for you!

I know that feeling (from not placing in a contest or from a rejection) all too well. But I have a cheerleader too. They really are vital in the writing journey, aren't they?

Paula said...

You are amazingly strong and grow by the hour. You have come such a long way. Mill of hugs to you

VICKI IN AZ said...

That is what happens sweet Sarah the Warrior Hero, It is darkest before the dawn. We have to take a step out into the dark, show our faith, then God turns on the light for us to see ahead. This makes us stronger and He knows it. His hand IS in this, never forget, even when you don't feel it. You cast Satan out and tell him you have no use for him. He doesn't go gracefully, but he has to leave because you are filled with the Spirit of God.

Right after Moses talked with God face to face, Satan came and tempted him saying worship me. Moses trembled, (we tremble) then we know WHO'S we are sweet Sister of Mine. You are HIS.


Mary said...

I have tried to leave you a comment several times. Each time, I could not express in words what I wanted to say. For someone not in your shoes it is hard to comment. We, I can imagine, but I do not know the horror you experienced Sarah. I do know Jesus was there with you, and his heart was broken by the evil done to you. I thank God you know him, for with him there is hope and healing. And dear one, you have a voice, and one that will help others who have been through similar circumstances, and in the helping I think will be more healing for you.

May you know and experience the fierce love and acceptance God has for you. He will NEVER reject you!!


Tracy said...

It's such a blessing to read your words here. Thanks for sharing from your heart.

It's awesome to read how God's causing, as Andrea said it so well, "a shift at the core of your being".

I think Vicki really hit the nail on the head here when she mentioned that it's darkest before the dawn. Never let the enemy's lies get you so down that you give up.

Susan said...

This sentence really resonated with me: "The fighter ....the street....still lives inside me."
(me too)
I love that you're fighting for others now

Epiphany said...

I have to agree with Mary. I come here ever post, and always find it hard to put into words how your blog makes me feel, how proud I am of you, how blessed I am to have found you on the internet. I know God has huge purpose for you. One door shut (competition) but another opened (potentially a soul for Christ). You are doing His work and spreading His glory. Your pain is not worthless sweetheart. What a joy you are to me and everyone else.

Prayer Girl said...

God has the power and He shares it with us. Your words have power and will be used to bless many.

I am so grateful that you are feeling this way.

Love and prayers,

Valerie Lynn said...

Sarah, I can see how God is truly working within you from the inside out. I have missed you so and am thankful your faith is getting stronger and stronger one day at a time. I love you Sarah. Thank you for caring about me. You are truly one special friend. You are my Sweet Sarah, an angel from God Himself.

Love you sweetie!

Colleen said...

Sarah, you sound like I did when I got ready to publish my book. You definitely have that "something" inside that is pushing you forward. You are not alone. And that feeling? That you have a secret and you know no one really knows you? I have had that feeling too for so long. With the book out, I now feel it less. Thanks for your encouraging words on my blog. Blessings!

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, your post is so touching and encouraging to me I cannot tell you! I thank you from the bottom of my heart dear one......

Marsha said...

I wish you well in your continued journey.

The thing about writing is that you really have to grow some thick skin. Believe in yourself first sweetie.

Wanda's Wings said...

Wow. How wonderful. You are going to do great. You are so inspiring. There is always a reason for what happens.

Finally Free said...


I am so happy for you! It is amazing how powerful words are. God is an encourager and the enemy is the KING of discouragement.

You are a great writer. I love reading what you write. It is inspiring. God is going to use you as you shine His light into the darkess.

Blessings and Hugs,

Mindy Wanat said...

Someone I didn't expect shared my "secret," that thing that I thought mad me different, ugly, even weak. What should have been a private talk (it was someone one would expect to hold a confidence) became gossip. People knew my thing, and shame and I were close friends.

A funny thing happened though, "friends" like cream rose to the top. I now know who loves me for who I am. There are people who do look at me and say, "Wow- this is how you live and you survived that! You are amazing."

Today, I'm strong.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Thanks for stopping by the blog! I want to encourage you, new friend. I am the recipient of God's large and lavish grace--a fellow sojourner on the road home to our forever with him. I've also been writing for years and known tons of rejection along these lines. I've come to peace with the fact that I may never land a big book deal but that I must keep writing. It's in me. I have a story to tell; so do you.

And you are the best one to write it, speak it, live it. I once heard a speaker say that...

"full redemption happens when our past begins to work for us, instead of against us."

The enemy would like nothing more than to keep you shackled in your shame and silence. At least there, you can't be effective for the kingdom. You aren't a threat to him when you shadow your struggle, but as you bring it out into the Light, the power of the secrets are diffused and begin to know healing in a way you've never experienced.

Praying for you today that you will find strength in your story rather than shame. I love that God's grace continues to bleed for sinners. I am the least of the least, and am grateful every day for the Promise I've come to know and expect in Jesus Christ.