A Struggle

"Nothing good ever comes of violence." Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I never wanted to be like the people who hurt me. All the abuse....it gets into your system....into your blood......and into your head. It takes on a life of its own....and the battle....becomes a fierce fight to break free. 

The hardest thing I had to overcome - that overpowering urge to lash out...to strike back....to quiet the wild rage that became a part of me. Violence had left it's mark.....and demanded to be released. 

I didn't want to hurt anyone like I had been hurt...so I turned on myself...with drugs...and cutting and throwing up. 

Violence - an energy I couldn't tame. 
Violence - I lived and breathed what others did to me. 
Violence - it lived inside in terrifying nightmares... that made me afraid to go to sleep or close the lights or even close my eyes.
Violence - I thought the people who hurt me were strong....powerful...in control.

But I learned the truth.....they were never the strong ones. It's those who turn the other cheek...who walk away....who don't fight back...who extend their hand instead of raising and clenching their fist....they're the ones who are really strong...and powerful....and in control. 

Sometimes I still see violent images in my head..usually when I'm tired....but now....I go running...or get lost in writing....or go into the woods to feel the touch of the power of His gentleness. The touch that made all the difference in my world....that taught me true strength...and that true power has nothing to do with cruelty or meanness. Instead....it's kind...peaceful...believes the best..and  always forgives...

Take Back the Night

"There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest." Maya Angelou

     For the first time, I took my girls to Take Back the Night. I stood in the darkness with other women and children - listening to the speaker talk about her daughter who was murdered - murdered by a man who should have been in prison - a man who had raped and murdered women - not once - many times. Why was he still allowed to roam the streets?

     She said most rape victims don't go to the police, don't charge the rapist, don't come forward. The justice system makes it too difficult. Most women fear not being believed, being blamed or shamed in some way....so they never tell.

     I stood shivering in the cold night air- holding the hands of my girls - listening to women share their survival stories and for the first time -  I knew - I was one of them. 

     I have lived in a fog - separate from that part of myself that fought so hard to survive - not believing what happened really happened. Minimizing it - telling myself it was no big deal. 

     Everytime I've written a post - I've held my breath - waiting - waiting for someone to email me with I don't believe you. It's not true. You made this up.


     Why doesn't somebody stop all this violence? It's not just in some far off land but right here in our cities, our towns, our communities. Why can't we just stop it?

          I had no voice - I couldn't talk. I couldn't speak. The words were caught inside. I took everything out on my body. I hurt myself like I had been hurt, but those who hurt me lived free and I found out I wasn't the only one they hurt.


     Silence keeps the shame and keeps the secret. It perpetuates the cycle of violence. I can't be silent anymore. I want my voice to give hope - I'm praying God will help me speak - help me not to be silent -help me to have my voice. 
     The fear of being seen is so strong. But He is stronger. He broke so many chains off me. He can do this too. And He let me live. I want to tell. I need to tell.





     

Comfortable With Yourself

"The worse loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." Mark Twain

For too long I walked around feeling as if I weren't attached to myself, almost as if I was outside my body walking beside it rather then actually being in it. Being separate and not a part of who I was, was a totally weird sensation. It's almost like floating through the world; - not being grounded.

My body wasn't safe. I felt like it betrayed me. It allowed all the abuse, - the beatings, the kidnap and the rape to happen. In my mind, just being seen and having a female body caused the violence. It was my enemy. I fought with myself, trying to force the fear and terror to go away - I fought against myself to be strong, but I was afraid, so afraid I couldn't stand it. The fear forced me to pull more and more into myself and away from reality.

As a kid, I willed myself to disappear until I couldn't feel anything. I lived in my head, in fantasies that took me to another place, a safe place. A place where no one could hurt me. But even that stopped working at some point. I needed to find something stronger, more effective that lifted me out of the pain and shame and fear. So I cut myself, ripped open my skin, injected my body full of dope and forced myself to throw up even if I ate one small bite of something. I told myself, I wasn't allowed to exist. I had been told over and over I deserved nothing, I was garbage, worthless, ungrateful. I believed it. Words are so powerful. I lived on those words, falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole that became harder and harder to get out of.

And then, He touched me. He pulled me up and out of that pit of hell. In a hospital emergency room, where I lay under oxygen - the damage I had done to my body extensive - He touched me. He redeemed me. He breathed life into me. I felt it. I knew something supernatural had happened. It was powerful. So powerful I stopped using the drugs. Right from that moment. Fourteen years of shooting up, three and four times a day,- Gone - Over - because of His touch.

I don't know why He chose to free me. Why me? I'm no more special than anyone else. I thought of friends who died, friends who took their own lives or accidentally overdosed, - why me? Why did He let me live? I don't understand but I am determined now to to look back, as painful as it is, for one purpose, - to reach out and help someone else caught in their own cycle of torment. There is hope. There is freedom - For me, I found it in Him. When nothing else worked, He did. He touched me. He changed me. He turned the light of His love on. The darkness left. The fear went. Now I live with tremendous joy and gratitude.