Monday, January 19, 2009

Secrets

"We are only as sick as our secrets." John Bradshaw

To disclose what happened, to tell our secrets, takes courage. Lots of courage. To not tell maintains our shame and for some of us, makes us physically ill. Keeping the secrets of the harm done to us continues to empower the pepetrators. If we don't tell, they are the winners. To tell, to speak out, to admit - empowers us.

Funny how that works though. When I started to disclose: it felt like I would die or somehow fall apart. A huge part of me screamed, 'don't tell.' I didn't want to own what happened. I just wanted to move on with my life and forget all that pain and shame and terror of fighting to survive.

I didn't realize though, that it lived inside me, taking up way too much space and limiting how I moved in life. I strove to be invisible. I told myself if I wasn't seen, no one could hurt me anymore.

Telling for me has been very difficult. It's still difficult. I'm afraid the people in my life will think bad of me, somehow blame me or think less of me. The few people I told didn't think that at all. They said they are amazed. They tell me I am a miracle. I have been shocked to hear them say that. I never thought overcoming what I did was anything special. I didn't think it was that bad although I lived for years punishing myself.


















3 comments:

Umas said...

People are right when they say you are a miracle and I will add very courageous too. To share our secrets means we have forgiven ourselves . Believe me forgiving onself requires courage and honesty not many can achieve it.

sarah said...

thank you for the kindness of your words Umas.I love what you said about sharing our secrets means we have fogiven ourselves. That is a very difficult thing to do. Bless you. Sarah

Jane said...

Sharing your pains is sharing your life, lessons you learn, and sharing your healing. It'll bless your hearers. But be discerning whom you share with, some can turn back to harm you.