Friday, June 19, 2009

Willingness to Fly

""How does one become a butterfly, she asked pensively.You must want to fly so much, you're willing to give up being a caterpiller." Trina Paulus (Hope for the Flowers)

I am grateful. Really grateful. As I write and remember, I am filled with gratitude. So often I have to shake myself and ask, 'did it all really happen?' The years of living on the street, shoving needles in my arm, not allowing myself to eat, throwing up if I did and cutting myself until I couldn't stand the pain or until I bled.

Living with extreme shame, out of control rage and debilitating fear - and one day, just like that - God touched me and changed everything. He gave me purpose and hope. He helped me heal. He gave me freedom. Now I owe Him my life.

There is a story about ten lepers being healed. Only one came back to say thank-you. I don't want to be like the nine who showed no gratitude. I need to tell what happened - what God did because had He not touched me in the ways He did......

How do I tell people what I lived? How do I say all those horrible things that happened? It's easier to tell strangers but I struggle with telling people who are close to me - my friends and people at work - I don't want them to think differently about me. I don't want them to be disgusted.

It was bad. Really bad. How can I tell them? Sometimes I just want to blurt it out but I can't. The words are stuck inside me. Many of my friends know I'm writing a book. They don't know what I'm writing, but they know I' m writing.

I get lost in writing. I think in some way it validates what happened really took place. And it's a way for me to have my voice. I need to write. Writing has become like breathing for me. Seeing the words in print diminishes the shame and gives me strength.

My friend came for a hike in the woods with me the other day. As we walked the secluded trails, she asked if I ever get scared out there alone. I don't. I feel safe in the woods. That's where I hear God speak to me. That's where my heart gains courage. In the woods, in the beauty of nature, I never feel alone. God whispers to me there. He reminds me I am never alone anymore. He tells me everything will be ok. He reminds me He has purposes and plans for my life. He tells me not to be afraid.

I don't want to live like a caterpiller anymore. I want to fly. I want to tell. It will be my way of saying thank-you.


Andrea said...

Praise GOD, sweet one! He will use your journey to speak to the mulitudes. He will give you the strength, wisdom, and grace to share. You will soar on eagles wings with our Heavenly Father as He uses you in many lives from this day forward.

I, too love the woods. I hear GOD's voice clearer when I am in that enviroment.

GOD BLESS, andrea

Tamara said...

I just want to tell you that I recently discovered your blog and I am so moved and inspired by your writing

My heart breaks for the pain and suffering you've endured, but my spirit soars at the way that God has healed, touched and directed your steps to peace and new life with Him...

What a testimony ...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and life so honestly, sincerely, and courageously..

You bless so many


Epiphany said...

Hey Friend. I can understand the feeling of not wanting to tell your friends what happened. Much easier to tell people you don't know. But the thing is that once you tell, you will know your true friends/family. The pain that sometimes comes with this is those that DON'T understand. That is why you (all of us) have that fear. But that's when we need to look at God's big picture. His picture reveals all. What you may lose now, you will gain so much more with God in heaven. It's like the caterpillar and butterfly analogy - you lose being a caterpillar, but man oh man, you become a BEAUTIFUL butterfly.

I guess I'm saying as you gain the strength to tell those close to you, if you lose some, don't fret. The big picture has more than you can dream of having. xx

Just Be Real said...

I too find it difficult relating to someone who knows my weaknesses. I feel more vunerable. Strangers, no problem, as you have nothing to lose by sharing with them.

Maybe you can write something on your blog, your testimony, and if need be direct or print out what you have written and maybe give it to certain individuals that you have a hard time sharing with. I have done this and even my blog is my testimony too. Pray about it dear one, and see if you are at peace about it.


Terri Tiffany said...

You said it--telling your story is thanking Jesus. I would start with one person--someone close, a good friend, and just share--don't worry about the reaction--that part doesn't matter--just telll them how God saved you. he'll do the rest.

Polar Bear said...

I really like the caterpilla analogy. I will try ot remember this in my own struggles to fly.

Ruth said...

That next to last paragraph is absolutely beautiful! "In the woods, in the beauty of nature, I never feel alone. God whispers to me there."

That is such a wonderful feeling... I'm only just beginning to experience it, but I hunger for more. Thank you for sharing your story and the beautiful thoughts God is sending you to heal you and touch others!

Denise said...

Fly, you are a beautiful butterfly.