Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Pride


"Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real." Thomas Merton

In spite of all the drugs I did and the many times I had my head bashed against a wall, I went back to school - to university. Got on the dean's honor list. I thought they made a mistake. I thought I didn't deserved it. I thought if they realized they had given it to me they would take it back.

I struggled to talk in school. I couldn't stand up in front of the class. I couldn't even stand up at my seat or even answer a question. I was afraid of being seen - afraid of being noticed. If I opened my mouth everyone would know that I had no idea what I was saying, that I didn't make any sense.

I couldn't stand up and talk, but I could write. When I write I don't have to prove myself. I don't have to convince anyone of anything. I don't have to stumble and falter and look stupid. No one's looking at me. No one's judging me. When I write, I'm free.

I've always felt like a fraud. I always thought, if people knew........... so I pretended what happened never did. I pushed everything down and copied other people, how they acted, moved and talked. I did all the 'normal' things everyone else did. Then I came home and threw up and cut my arms forcing myself to be strong. Continuing to live a lie.

I never wanted to tell anyone in my life where I came from. Hardly anyone knows. It was so bad that I've been afraid of what people would think of me. Pride. I think I have a lot of pride. Bad pride. The kind that keeps you from living the way God wants. Funny thing about pretending - it keeps you in a cycle of shame - hiding from the world and even from yourself. Somehow I had convinced myself what happened wasn't so bad.

A friend of mine knows I've been writing. She told me last night she can't wait to read my book. I told her I don't know if I want her to see it. She said, It won't change the way I think of you. But I'm not so sure. Pride. I've always worried what people will think of me if I tell them all the stuff that happened. Pride. I want to be real. I don't want to pretend anymore.

My book will be published soon. People will know. They'll know the truth. My friend told me yesterday her church is considering having me speak. She's on the women's committee and she told them about me. She gave them my blog and a copy of the radio program I did. Everyone will know.

When I'm alone I feel God. I feel his presence. His gentle touch. I can't live in silence anymore. I owe that to Him. Maybe I owe it to me too. And if my telling helps just one person find peace and freedom, then the shame of telling versus that of staying quiet is worth it.

6 comments:

Finally Free said...

Hi Sarah,

Love your post. I was going to post something on this, too. God has been showing me the "pride" in me. Ouch. It is so ugly when He shows me. I am praying for Him to help me be humble. I am reading breaking free by Beth Moore and I am on the pride chapter.

I can't wait to hear about you speaking. I did it. I was scared to death! God helped me and I pray if you choose to do it He will help you. I know you will help so many. You'd be surprised how many people are hiding, too.

Praying for humility,

Tammy

Epiphany said...

:) xx

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, yes you owe it to yourself to. What a blessing to read this post. Encourages me so greatly to see how much you want to be set free and share the freedom you will possess with others! I am excited for you and for your possible speaking engagement! You need to start somewhere. God will be with you dear one. Blessings!

valerie lynn said...

Sarah, you are doing a beautiful job telling your painful story. When you are ready to speak to people face to face, God will indeed give you the strength. He has not brought you this far to leave you. He will guide and lead you every step of the way.

God bless you!

Prayer Girl said...

Dear Sarah,
I don't believe I have ever had a comment from you before. Thank you for letting me know you are 'out there' reading.

And now after visiting your blogs, I find you are 'out there' writing as well.

There is no coincidence or mistake in God's world. You commented, I found your blog. My purpose is to encourage, lift others up, and pray for their release from confinement into freedom - a new life. And as I do, God teaches me as well.

I have too many thoughts about Pride and Humility to write them all here. But my pride is what stands between me and what God wants me to do.

God bless,
Prayer Girl

Denise said...

Yes, your story needs to be heard. Do this for yourself, you deserve to release the silence.