Sunday, July 26, 2009

Memories

"Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us." Oscar Wilde.

Last night my friend told me she saw a movie. A movie about a woman whose story is similiar to mine. She told me she understands me better. She said she couldn't have survived what I did. She said she's glad I survived.

Hearing her say that, knowing she watched that movie and related it to me made me feel scared. Vulnerable. I couldn't talk. She's read my book. Edited it. Believes God wants to use me to help others. So why do I feel afraid? Listening to her talk about that show brought up painful memories of what happened. The memories hurt. They hurt really bad.

I talked to Maury Blair, author of Child of Woe. He said everytime he shares his story it hurts. The memories surface and it feels like it's happening all over again. But he said he won't stop telling. He does it because God touched him. Healed him. He talks to give hope to others and to help them find some freedom.

I didn't think it would be like this. I didn't think writing what happened would be so hard. When I remember it feels like I'm back there fighting to survive. The anger is there too. Anger at the people who hurt me and anger at myelf for being so powerless.

Why did God let it happen? Why did He allow it? I think of my friends who committed suicide or died by accident. He let me live. He redeemed my life. Why me and not them? I have to tell. Like Maury, I feel compelled to tell even if it's going to hurt everytime I do.


16 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, you have such passion in your words!!! I grieve, I get excited, I feel blessed with your honesty of pain and promise. Thank you for being such an inspiration!
You go tell it, proclaim it!!

♥♥

Andrea said...

Keep persevering, dear friend. That pain is Satan trying to stop you. Please do NOT allow him a foothold in your ministry. GOD is greater and though you may experience pain, HE will comfort you and see you through to the end.
GOD BLESS YOU!
Much love, prayers, hugs, and blessings, Andrea

Debbie Thorkildsen said...

Someday many people will know your story and love you more because you dared to share the deep pain you've endured as well as the victory you now enjoy. You have a strength and faith in God many only wish they possessed. God will be glorified by your sharing of your story. Keep sharing. As you persevere in sharing, you will also reap the rewards of continued inner healing.

Terri Tiffany said...

Again, you have to stop asking Why and ask What God? What does he want you to do with it all? We rarely get the answer to the Whys, do we?

Epiphany said...

I think Terri is right. But darn, it's hard isn't it?

Prayer Girl said...

You wrote, "Why did God let it happen? Why did He allow it? I think of my friends who committed suicide or died by accident. He let me live. He redeemed my life. Why me and not them?"

I used to ask why was I an alcoholic? Why did I get sober and others don't? I do not know the answers to these questions.

Today, I believe I was saved to do God's will - to reach out and help others who are lost. I am not God and do not know His purposes. I have to accept that. He puts things in front of me to do and I do them as best I can.

God bless,
PG

Colleen said...

What I learned from writing my book
- I am on a journey that will last a life time
- it hurts to tell the story
- it also helps to tell the story
- there is hope
and God has been with me through it all

I am afraid every time I do a witness talk. But then I start talking and people come up to me to tell me how much they have been helped, and I feel better. My story helped someone. God made good come out of something really really bad.

Blessings and hugs!

Wanda's Wings said...

Continue to tell. Yes about the pain and anger. All of it!

Suzette Saxton said...

Good for you for sharing your story. I imagine it might get easier over time? I applaud you for doing it.

Finally Free said...

Sarah,

You are so brave. I pray God by His Holy Spirit draws close to you as you struggle with the questions. Thanks for sharing. :)

Blessings and Hugs,

Tammy

Charlotte said...

Jesus said in his world you will have tribulation but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world. I'm sure you will have all your questions answered some day as will I. Thank you for being my friend.
blessings,
Charlotte

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

I don't want to offer any cliche advice, for I haven't a clue what it must be like to live with your pain.

I don't understand it
but I know the One who does.

So I'll ask Him to continue to carry you today, sister, just as your song says.

(And may He bless you richly for your vulnerability. How courageous of you to open up your pain and your joy to us!)

Lisa Marie said...

God chose you because you were meant to give hope to others out there, at whatever place they are in their healing. The fact that you are asking the same questions I ask all the time (in fact my last blog was all the questions I had at this moment) helps me to realize that I am not wrong in asking these questions. Everyone has them. You are so strong to tell. I am so proud!

Denise said...

Your life blesses me, thanks for sharing.

Jackles111 said...

There's so much to say, but it's nothing you haven't heard, even so:

God allowed you to live because He still has a plan for your life. Even in the worst moments when it seems there's no reason to live, it helps knowing God intends to use us, He is the reason to sustain through the suffering; knowing his has saved my life.

I believe God intends to use you in an incredible way. A woman with your strength is capable of immense achievement.

Patricia Singleton said...

Why you and not your friends? You chose to live. They didn't. It is as simple and as complicated as that. I am glad you lived and that you share your story.