Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Thank-you

"One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody." Mother Theresa

I used to feel that nobody cared about me. That I didn't matter. What I thought didn't matter, What I wanted didn't matter. Who I was didn't matter.

Even when someone offered love to me I couldn't feel it. It actually hurt so I ran from it. I didn't think I was worthy. I knew I wasn't. I lived my life running, hiding - angry, scared, hating everything about who and what I was.

Then God touched me. Powerfully. Broke through when nothing else could. In a hospital emergency room where I lay under oxygen. I felt His touch. The doctor had said I wouldn't live past the year because of all the damage I had done to my body from the drugs, the eating disorder and the street lifestyle.

But God touched me. He broke the hold the drugs had over me. Yet even though He touched me I still hated everything about myself. I blamed myself for the kidnap, beatings and rape and for all the stuff that happened. I couldn't stop hurting myself. The self loathing ran deep.

Blogging. It's broken the aloneness. I've kept silent for so long. Afraid to tell the awful things that happened. Afraid to speak. So I write. Here I can say it.

I have fought everything alone. Couldn't tell anyone. I didn't want anyone to know because I felt different than everybody else. Stuff that happened didn't seem to be happening to others. I pretended so much that many times I wondered if it happened at all. But all I have to do is look at the scars on my body and close my eyes and see the images in my mind.

I don't feel alone in the fight anymore. Thank-you guys.



16 comments:

Andrea said...

You are welcome! You are never alone. Your Heavenly Father is always with you and HE has placed an army around you. Those who do care. Blogging has been wonderful for me, too. It seems in the blogging world we are somehow able to better exemplify the love of Christ than we do face to face.
Blessings and prayers, andrea

Finally Free said...

Hi Sarah.

Your post touched me and made me weep with joy. Your expressions of what you have been through and how God "touched" you are very moving. I am so thankful for the power of blogs,too.

When I started blogging I didn't think I had anything to say. 100+ posts later....I guess God had something to say through me.

Blessings and Hugs,

Tammy

Prayer Girl said...

I too have experienced the "touch of God" in a moment of grace. When I awoke from my last drunk, God changed me.

At that time, I still had all the self-loathing and still had all the alcoholic crazy thinking, but He gave me the surrender to His will I needed to move forward. He has guided me all these years and has never left my side.

Today I am happy, love myself, love others, and have a life second to none.

God bless,
PG

Lisa Marie said...

Wow. This post shows so much of you in it that it makes me tear up. You are taking such a leap of faith by posting your lifes triumphs and tragedies here, but you do it and you do it with such bravery that I can only hope to one day be like you. Thank you for allowing God to save you, so that you are here to save others.

Bless you!
LM

Sharon Faith said...

Tears came to my eyes in reading this most powerful post. You my sweet Sarah are now surrounded by love. I will always be here for you anyway that I can.

I have an award for you my sweet Sarah. Come by Simply 4 God and pick it up.

Terri Tiffany said...

You are welcome too! Blogging brings us all together and we feel able to share like we might never have before:)

Epiphany said...

You are welcome bloggy friend.

I am better for having you in my world.

Denise said...

You are never alone sweetie. God carries you, and will never leave you. You are a sweet blessing.

Wanda's Wings said...

WHAT A POWERFUL POST. YOU REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART. ((((BLESS YOU)))))

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Oh, Sarah! I meandered onto your blog from your posting on mine. It is so good that you are writing about your child abuse experiences. I did not realize how cathartic (and revealing) it might be to do so when I wrote Blest Atheist. (I had never intended to write a book like that, but God had plans, and the two priests I talked to about those plans thought that they were probably authentic and that I should follow them, so I did.)

If you feel that God is pushing you to tell your story, God probably is. I think if you think about it, you may find answers to those questions you asked on your previous post: (1) Why did God allow this to happen to you, and (2) Why did God not step in with others. I asked these same questions, and I think I have come to peace with all the past, including God's role in it. I don't know how we can ever know in this life, the way it is set up, why exactly God does something. I sometimes get pointed to answers to the "why" question, but I am still left with a lot of guessing - and I am at peace with that. The bottom line is that I know that God does not cause these bad things and that God uses the bad things for good. Perhaps you will be an instrument for this good through your writing. Have you published your book?

Joanne@ Blessed... said...

You are so right. Blogging is a tool to keep away loneliness. I had never thought of it that way before.

Enjoyed my time here today. Be strong and know that none of your hurts will have been in vain when you hand them back to the Lord. He will give you beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3). Just watch and see what He will do with your story. My guess is it will touch many more than one. :O)

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, I have been reading this particular post of yours for the past few days and keep coming back to it. It has touched me. The encouragement and the strength that I receive from what you have written, and the 'hope' to carry on is such an inspiration to me. Thank you so very much for being transparent!

Colleen said...

Oh yes, writing about it and being part of the survivor community online really does help fight the loneliness. Great post.

Patricia Singleton said...

The internet has opened up such a bigger world to me as a survivor through my writing and every other survivor blog that I read. None of us ever has to be alone with our pain or our joy again.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Tender and precious.
I am so happy that you have found support for your brokenness here in blog-land as I have.
Gentle and caring thoughts to you.

Vinesh Panditpotra said...

Hi,

You are not alone and never will be.

But I would love to see you go out more often, make more friends and have a jolly time.

Granted we are here online to support you but we can't randomly crack jokes and make you laugh or do stupid things to make you smile.