Monday, July 6, 2009

Silence No More

"I swear never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. Silence encourages the tormentor never the tormented." Eli Wiesel

It's taken me a long time to be willing and able to tell. For years, I said nothing. For years, I couldn't admit what happened. I didn't want anyone to know. Keeping silent though, hurt too much. It kept me in a cycle of shame no matter what I did or how many things I accomplished. I couldn't let people look in my eyes. I knew if they did, they would see how damaged I was.

One day last April, I sat at my computer. The thought jumped into my head, 'I wonder what happened to him?'

I googled his name. Nothing came up. I googled everything I could think of that would bring a hit, but still nothing. And then, a woman emailed me. She knew him. She had gone to university with him. "Call me," she wrote.

I called. She talked. She told me he had spent 3 years in prison for raping his daughter. The woman sent me newspaper articles and court records. She asked how I knew him. The words got stuck in my throat. I couldn't say.

suggested I call Mike. I did. Mike told he was ruthless, vile, sadistic. He said he had pulled women into his house and locked the door from the inside preventing them from getting out. Over the years five other women told Mike similar stories to mine. - the violence, the rapes, the confinement.

It shocked me to hear what he said. Someone knew. It had happened. I didn't make it up.

I put the phone down. I thought of getting in my car, closing my eyes and driving. But my girls needed me. I would hurt them. I couldn't do that to them. So I wrote. And wrote. And wrote. I spent hours writing, and then reading and rereading. I forgot to eat. I forgot to feed the kids. I stayed in my room with the blinds closed, the lights off.

Why now God? Why are you letting me go through this now? And then I learned his son killed himself. I learned of what he had done to him. I felt sick. I thought of my kids. If anyone hurt them, touched them - I would kill them.

I need to tell. I can't be silent anymore. For the boy's sake. For my sake. For everyone who has been raped emotionally or physically - for eveyone who has been humiliated, shamed. degraded in any way.

I need to tell. I want to slip my hand in God's and trust Him to bring something good from everything that took place. I believe He dropped the thought in my head last April, to find out what happened to him.

I"m stronger now. Somehow everything that happened made me strong. I just need to know it's ok to stop fighting. To let go, to trust.


Epiphany said...

I love the quote at the start of that one.

Sounds like it's not only me who has that crazy need to see what they're doing now.

Andrea said...

There is so much truth in the statement: "the truth will set us free." GOD's timing is perfect. I believe we approach the answers to some of lifes storms as GOD knows we can handle them. You were ready. In my own life, HE has given me answers as I was able to cope with them.
Thank you for sharing!
Blessings and prayers, andrea

Terri Tiffany said...

Wow--will you tell more than by writing it down? have you been able to take that step and tell others around you? I am praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Sarah, it is okay to let go. It is okay to trust again. You have lived with the suffering, pain and anger inside of you for so long. God is telling you to "let go" and let Him take your pain away. Let Him heal you from the inside out. With God on your side my sweet friend, I am here as living proof, that YOU CAN MAKE IT.

I am not saying this to be saying it, I am living proof as I also was sexually assaulted when I was in college over 20 years ago.

I lived with the secret for a long time. I went through the same feelings and emotions you have and are now going through. It was only when I thought of taking my life that God reached out to me and saved my life.

It is okay to let go my friend. It is okay to trust. The road will not be easy, but it sure is a lot easier when you allow God to take control of your life and start the healing process.

There is HOPE. You can MAKE IT through.

I love you, God bless you and know that you are not alone.

Love, Grace and Peace unto you my friend.

Jennifer said...

As you trust God to walk with you through this painful time in your life and when you tell your story (or when you told your story) might be surprised at how many hurting women and men are out there that are suffering in silence also from the abuse at the hands of someone else.

As I have opened up about things in my life as other women in the bloggy world about their past...things that we are ashamed of, hidden and suffered in silence for so long...God has used our past to heal so many others including ourselves.

It is hard sometimes to trust again...whether it be humans or God but He promises to never hurt you, never violate you, never hold you against your will, never terrorize you but He promises to protect you, to love you, provide for you, He cherishes you and you are so valuable to Him...He died for you.

You will rise above this. God has a plan and a purpose for your life, my friend.


Rev Deb said...

Sarah You are precious in the sight of the Lord! He knows, He cares, He will repay... Give it to him and be free... A few Passages that has been a power in my life is;

"when my heart is overwhelmed, I look to the Rock that is higher than I" Ps 61:2;

"You Lord are all I have and you give me all I need. My future is in your hands." Ps 5:3

One I have clung to many a times,
"Do not fear,for I am (the I AM) with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am (the I AM)your God. I will (a promise) strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Don't allow those that meant harm to you, hold you in prison one more day! By letting go of anger, hatred, and fear... We are released from the iron bars that have held our hearts so tightly and put those who have done such atrocities in the prison of their own conscience.

Let Go, Love, forgive, and be free!!!

Bare no more tears of pain... Let me your sister bare them for your in the heart of my prayers..

I love you in Christ's Almighty Name!

With all my affection
Rev Deb

mile191 said...

Sarah, thank you for your submission. I plan to use your post in the Blog Carnival. You are brave, and beautiful. THank you for speaking. I am so sorry for what happened to you. mile 191

mile191 said...

Hope to hear from you Friday, and keep writing, you have a gift.

mile 191

Lisa Marie said...

New to your blog via the Carnival. What a great submission. I'm glad you were able to find your voice.

Marj aka Thriver said...

What an amazing story! Thank you for sharing your story with us. As painful as I'm sure it was, I'm so glad you got that validation and the strength you spoke of. Thank you for letting us use this for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. Thank you for breaking the silence.

Denise said...

God is using you in a mighty way dear one.

Patricia Singleton said...

The wonderful thing about blogging, or any writing for that matter, is that you can see it in writing and deal with the abuse in manageable amounts of time and events. I have used my blog for a little over two years to write my story in bits and pieces, as I can manage, to share with other survivors. We all need to know that we are not alone.

Learning to trust has been the most difficult. I am an incest survivor. So I have had trust issues my entire life. I learned that the first trust had to be in myself and God.

Thanks for sharing your story and your courage.