"Deny your weakness and you will never realize God's strength in you." Joni Eareckson Tada
For years all my efforts went into forcing myself to be strong. The cutting, the drugs, the throwing up - all of it were my attempts at pushing myself to be strong, to not fall, to not give up.
No matter what happened or what anyone did to me - I struggled with myself to stand firm. I refused to cry, refused to admit I was scared or even that I needed help. Instead I lashed out. I felt like I was in a war - fighting so hard I nearly killed myself. Even after God amazingly freed me from the drugs - I continued to hurt myself - refusing to eat, forcing myself to throw up, biting my arms, punching and cutting myself......I told God I trusted Him but I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to not allow me to get hurt again.
As a kid I was threatened to never show fear or sadness. But how do you really do that unless you lose a part of who you are? I went away. Far away. In my head. In my own world. A world where no one could reach me. A world where I couldn't reach me. I got lost. The way back has been long. Hard. There were days I didn't want to come back. I struggled with not wanting to be seen. Being seen meant getting hurt. I didn't want to get hurt again.
I've been afraid of feelings. I never knew how or what to do with them. So I punished myself for having them. Sadness, fear - even joy.
Yesterday I went running in the woods near our old place. As I ran through the secluded hills and trails, I felt like I had come home. In the quiet, the calm, the peacefulness - God's whisper in my spirit reminded me - He was with me. Everything will be ok. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to lean on His strength.