Lost and Found

“When you're lost it sometimes takes a while to realize you're lost. You convince yourself you've just wandered off the path...you'll find your way back any moment. Then night falls....you still have no idea where you are. It's time to admit you've bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” Elizabeth Gilbert

Being lost is scary...terrifying actually. I was lost a few times....once in the woods. I had my bike with me. I was alone. It had started to get dark. I remember the panic...the desperation of trying to find the way out. 

I wandered in circles....over hills, mountains, passing streams and trees...everything looking the same. Finally....I dropped my bike and took off running. In my panic.....I prayed...more like begged God to help me get out of there.  He heard. When I came across an opening that had a stream of light shining through showing the way out.....I whooped and hollered....totally relieved...totally grateful.  

Being lost isn't fun. It's scary. Frightening. I used to be lost in ways that made my world scary.  I wandered in the dark....alone....desperate to find the way out....afraid I never would. 

I drifted around going over and over the same hurtful places.  In my panic.....I prayed.....more like begged God to show me the way out. He heard. When I saw the Light illuminating the path leading out.....I was totally overwhelmed with relief, joy and gratitude. 

Being lost on your own....in the dark.....is super scary.  I've never forgotten the feeling of running scared......the panic sticking in my throat....the hope of seeing a path I thought to be the way out and then the awful let-down when I realized it led nowhere. And when I finally saw the Light showing the path out...those overwhelming feelings of relief and gratitude.... 

I won't ever forget what it felt like to be lost then found. Because of that.....I always want to shine His Light for others so they too can find their way out.

Knowing......

"Sometimes, if you lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known."     Pooh's Little Instruction Book

It's too cold to go running in the woods. Too cold to walk by the water or take the kids and go down to 'cherry hill' where the chickadees and woodpeckers fly right into your hands. 

It's too cold to stand on the hills and feel the soft breeze in my hair, or hear the sounds of the quiet and calm and nature - or to listen uninterupted for His whisper in my spirit......

It's too cold....really cold....But everything inside me yearns to be outside - in the woods, in the hills, .....listening and feeling His presence.....I miss looking up and seeing the hawks, and turkey vultures and blueherons flying with their beautiful wings outstretched - soaring as if they own the sky. I miss feeling the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze and seeing the deer passing by....It's the place I feel free. It's where I feel safe. And it's where my heart sings..

It's too cold...really cold. There's at least four more months to go - if not five. If I close my eyes, I can imagine it and even feel as if I'm there....but it's not the same as being there - as experiencing it. 

It's cold....just like how my heart used to feel....cold..hard. Angry. Really angry and full of of hate...It was a like a shield that wouldn't let anyone in...or let anyone stay. And I wouldn't stay. But things have changed. Somehow He opened my heart....softed it and helped me stay. I have the best friends....the best family....How did that happen? 


Guys - I just had to write today. I had to put something down here because writing for me is like running in the woods - when I write - I feel free. The book giveaway is still on until late thursday night. The winner will be announced Friday. See post below this one for more info.

Giving up

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up." Thmas Edison

I woke up feeling it - intense frustration - needing to run or do something. There was no time. My one daughter had to be rushed out the door - the other needed to get ready for the school bus. Lunches weren't made. And I was tired. Bad combination. 


The tension was building. I wanted to go running in the woods - or sit at the computer and write. I couldn't do either. No time. Rushing. It makes me crazy. Makes me want to fight - lash out - scream. I just needed the day to start slowly - I heard myself screaming in my head I can't do this. I just can't. I don't want to do this. 

And then .....I give up. 

Life started feeling hard. Too hard. I stopped caring. 

I hate when I feel like this - when I don't care - I can't seem to stop the downward slide. I needed to run - alone - in the woods - but I couldn't. It's been raining -

Everyday - for the past four days - it's rained. I need to be outside. I start feeling trapped - out of control. I'm aware of the fight inside to not turn on myself.


Finally - yesterday I went running in the woods - The ground was wet - muddy - slippery - I didn't care. I felt energized - the smells, the air, the deer - the gentle whisper of His spirit soothing.....


Feeling His presence - hearing His assurance that everything is ok. Outside - in nature I hear Him more than anywhere else. Being outside energizes me - makes me feel connected. 

All those years being locked up, held down, confined  - feeling like a caged animal - desperate to be free - Freedom - I crave it.


For today, it's ok again. For today, I feel free. For today, I won't give up. 

Freedom to relax

"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are." Chinese Proverb

Staying still - relaxing - has always been hard for me. I need to keep busy - to keep moving. Sometimes though, I totally exhaust myself. I just seem to have all this energy and need to move all the time.

My kids wanted me to take them to the beach yesterday. I did. I'm not a beach person and I find lounging around difficult. After forty-five minutes of being there I asked if they were ready to go. NO! they both shouted. I fought within myself to stay, to veg - to hang in there for them. I looked around at the other families. Everyone seemed relaxed, calm, enjoying themselves. Another half hour went by. The tension was building. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to go.

As we headed for the car, I felt like the worst parent in the world. Not that my kids whined or complained, but I knew they really wanted to stay. Maybe if I was different - it would be better for them. I drove home angry at myself, wishing for their sake, I wasn't who I was.

When we got home, I jumped on my bike and took off pedaling as if my life depended on it. I needed to get out all the pent up energy. When I returned home and opened the garage door to put my bike in, my kids ran outside, threw their arms around me and told me they loved me.

Sometimes I focus too much on what I can't do or wishing I was different than I am. I forget about the things I can do. Like today I took my kids to the one place where I can let myself relax - in the woods - in the hills - in nature. That's where I feel alive - free - energized. In the woods, in the mountains, I feel connected - to my body, my mind and to God.

Today the three of us hiked and ran up the mountains. We laughed and sang and shouted. I danced around them encouraging them to keep climbing. Later on the drive home, my oldest told me I love the extreme stuff and she loves doing it with me. My youngest said she had a ton of fun. I thought of the beach. Maybe it's ok to be who I am. My daughters words echoed in my head long after they had said them.

Letting Go

"Deny your weakness and you will never realize God's strength in you." Joni Eareckson Tada

For years all my efforts went into forcing myself to be strong. The cutting, the drugs, the throwing up - all of it were my attempts at pushing myself to be strong, to not fall, to not give up.

No matter what happened or what anyone did to me - I struggled with myself to stand firm. I refused to cry, refused to admit I was scared or even that I needed help. Instead I lashed out. I felt like I was in a war - fighting so hard I nearly killed myself. Even after God amazingly freed me from the drugs - I continued to hurt myself - refusing to eat, forcing myself to throw up, biting my arms, punching and cutting myself......I told God I trusted Him but I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to not allow me to get hurt again.

As a kid I was threatened to never show fear or sadness. But how do you really do that unless you lose a part of who you are? I went away. Far away. In my head. In my own world. A world where no one could reach me. A world where I couldn't reach me. I got lost. The way back has been long. Hard. There were days I didn't want to come back. I struggled with not wanting to be seen. Being seen meant getting hurt. I didn't want to get hurt again.

I've been afraid of feelings. I never knew how or what to do with them. So I punished myself for having them. Sadness, fear - even joy.

Yesterday I went running in the woods near our old place. As I ran through the secluded hills and trails, I felt like I had come home. In the quiet, the calm, the peacefulness - God's whisper in my spirit reminded me - He was with me. Everything will be ok. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to lean on His strength.