I woke up feeling it - intense frustration - needing to run or do something. There was no time. My one daughter had to be rushed out the door - the other needed to get ready for the school bus. Lunches weren't made. And I was tired. Bad combination.
The tension was building. I wanted to go running in the woods - or sit at the computer and write. I couldn't do either. No time. Rushing. It makes me crazy. Makes me want to fight - lash out - scream. I just needed the day to start slowly - I heard myself screaming in my head I can't do this. I just can't. I don't want to do this.
And then .....I give up.
Life started feeling hard. Too hard. I stopped caring.
I hate when I feel like this - when I don't care - I can't seem to stop the downward slide. I needed to run - alone - in the woods - but I couldn't. It's been raining -
Everyday - for the past four days - it's rained. I need to be outside. I start feeling trapped - out of control. I'm aware of the fight inside to not turn on myself.
Finally - yesterday I went running in the woods - The ground was wet - muddy - slippery - I didn't care. I felt energized - the smells, the air, the deer - the gentle whisper of His spirit soothing.....
Feeling His presence - hearing His assurance that everything is ok. Outside - in nature I hear Him more than anywhere else. Being outside energizes me - makes me feel connected.
All those years being locked up, held down, confined - feeling like a caged animal - desperate to be free - Freedom - I crave it.
For today, it's ok again. For today, I feel free. For today, I won't give up.