Thursday, October 8, 2009

Giving up

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up." Thmas Edison

I woke up feeling it - intense frustration - needing to run or do something. There was no time. My one daughter had to be rushed out the door - the other needed to get ready for the school bus. Lunches weren't made. And I was tired. Bad combination. 


The tension was building. I wanted to go running in the woods - or sit at the computer and write. I couldn't do either. No time. Rushing. It makes me crazy. Makes me want to fight - lash out - scream. I just needed the day to start slowly - I heard myself screaming in my head I can't do this. I just can't. I don't want to do this. 

And then .....I give up. 


Life started feeling hard. Too hard. I stopped caring. 
I hate when I feel like this - when I don't care - I can't seem to stop the downward slide. I needed to run - alone - in the woods - but I couldn't. It's been raining -


Everyday - for the past four days - it's rained. I need to be outside. I start feeling trapped - out of control. I'm aware of the fight inside to not turn on myself.


Finally - yesterday I went running in the woods - The ground was wet - muddy - slippery - I didn't care. I felt energized - the smells, the air, the deer - the gentle whisper of His spirit soothing.....


Feeling His presence - hearing His assurance that everything is ok. Outside - in nature I hear Him more than anywhere else. Being outside energizes me - makes me feel connected. 

All those years being locked up, held down, confined  - feeling like a caged animal - desperate to be free - Freedom - I crave it.


For today, it's ok again. For today, I feel free. For today, I won't give up. 


22 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, what an encouraging post!!! I so very much needed to read this!! To read about 'your hope' 'you endurance' to continue! I too feel His presence more in nature. So glad that you have your outlet of running! Blessings to you dear one, and thank you once again for touching so many lives with your truth! ((((Sarah))))

Susan said...

I have to get outside and "get some trees behind me" as often as possible too. (Not much of a runner though)
I'm glad you're not giving up. You ARE free now. More free than you even know yet.
Take care of yourself (((hugs)))

Prayer Girl said...

The human spirit and the spirit of nature prevail.

Thankfully,
PG

Mark said...

Communing with nature is very spiritual. It is wise to go to a place where you can re-energize. Have a wonderful day!

Donetta said...

I posted a lesson on self compassion. It is where I am at getting ready to do some EMDR for the control of PTSD it is on the LIFE RESTORED blog. I really understand what your saying. I am so happy for you the forest is there. Mine is the garden I have created here.

Tamika: said...

Hi Sarah,

There are those days when life threatens to lock us all up and out. Thankfully we are always welcome to come into the presence of the Lord and find rest.

Blessings to you...

Kay said...

yeah, i know all those feelings...

Wanda's Wings said...

ONE DAY AT A TIME. NATURE IS GOD'S GIFT TO US.

Gin said...

I am so glad that you are feeling better. Sometimes our feelings can be so frustrating, but at least we are able to work them out.

Zan said...

First I just want to say Thank You for your nice comment on my blog.

I'm glad you're not giving up. Love the way you write, very intense, I could really feel your words, probably because I can relate so much to them.
Continue to stay safe and free.
xx

Tracy said...

Hang in there.

Sometimes it just feels like you can't do it. But Christ in you can.

Glad to read about that time you got to be out in the forest and what it does for you. Glad to know that today is going better.

Lori Laws said...

I'm glad you feel better. We all have those feelings sometimes because we live in a fallen world marred by sin. Keep meditating on this...you can do all things with Christ! Keep on keepin' on!
Blessings!

Denise said...

I am glad that God has given you such a love for nature sweetie. Soak in it.

Paula said...

One day at the time - that is all it takes, still it can be hard sometimes. Like you I feel caged when not outside in nature. It is then when I feel as part of nature, eternity, circle of life. But I learnt as well, that often I allow my thoughts to cage me. It gets better by the day. We always will be more vulnerable and not as sturdy when something happens but we do learn our tool, It takes time and you do a wonderful job in being so aware, genuine about it. Thank you for stopping by over the kst few day, I really needed some time to recuperate and smiled finding your lovely caring words. Love to you

RCUBEs said...

And freedom, He freely gives to those who trusts in Him...Sister, I came here real quick to thank you for your prayers. I appreciate it. God bless you and keep you. I hope you'll have a great weekend!

speck of dust said...

Nature is so healing. The down times are so hard you are doing really well. It's so good that you recognise how you feel, you know what you need and you go and get yourself back up again. The feeling of giving up, I think of it like 'I've tried and I've tried and I'm tired and have had enough. Then I know it's the time not to try to just let things be as they are an accept and look after myself. I'm getting better at that :)

Gaia said...

Hi Sarah, it sounds like you are suffering from stress. I feel that way and similarly just need to get out and feel free. When I go for my walks, i don't feel that bad. Feel more refreshed, otherwise like you, I want to scream too. Take care.

Wonderingsoul said...

Listening Sarah... with understanding.
The downward spiral... the terrible feeling of giving in to the sense of hopelessness and then the crack in the darkness that somehow lets the light in agan.
I'm glad you got to run outside. The power of the beauty is God's way of breathing life I guess. And sometimes it feels like a LOT of life is needed.
x

Lisa Marie said...

Gosh I could have written that exact post. But nature has a way of pulling you closer to God, so I am glad you stepped out and gave yourself some freedom.

Boris said...

Sarah,

Keep fighting, focus on your blessings, live just the present and Life will better day by day...
Touching post, keep going!
All the best.

Colleen said...

That is all we can do. Take one day at a time. Not easy. But in small increments, one day, one hour, one minute, - that seems possible. Hugs.

Terri Tiffany said...

I'm glad you have your running--it sounds like it works for you to relieve your stress:)