"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." Maya Angelou
I've always felt this agonizing ache inside me - an inner cry - I want to go home. I felt it - always there - intense - overpowering - a deep gut wrenching yearning - gnawing inside - I want to go home. I just want to go home.
But I had no home. I had no family to go to. I was alone. On the streets. My mother dead - my older sister gone - left the city - left me alone. Just him. My father - raging - using me as a scapegoat for all his hurts and frustrations. After one vicious beating - I ran......
I want to go home! I just want to go home!
I tried to dull its pain by being stoned - shooting dope - three, sometimes four times a day - throwing up - cutting myself. But even then - I still felt its tug - that emptiness - that aloneness - that nobody cared if I lived - or was hurt - or safe - or scared.
Homesickness - that awful ache in my gut constantly reminding me I was completely alone. - Leaving me feeling lost - afraid - Telling me I was worthless - insignificant - my existance meaningless.
I want to go home!
It pushed me to live wild, on the edge, out of control - indifferent - not caring - daring life and God to kill me.
This past summer we moved to a new place on the lakeshore in a beautiful community - friendly neighbours - great surroundings - tons of wildlife. It's a long way from the streets, from not having any money or material things, from the fear of being stalked by sick crazy predators - and dancing around controlling professionals who all believed they had the answers for my life - medications, low income housing, welfare, pysch hospitals, ongoing lifetime therapy........
Somehow God cut through when nothing else could. He touched me - broke the chains - gave me a sense of FINALLY coming home.
I'm not sure how He did it - but I do know - I'm home. I feel it. That throbbing ache inside - gone. I'm not running alone anymore. I'm not afraid. And I'm with people - who love me - really love me - who care......
I don't ever want to get so comfortable that I forget what it feels like to be homesick on the inside. I don't ever want to forget - I want my hand to always be extended - to reach out and help someone else find their way home.