Saturday, October 3, 2009

Homesickness


"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." Maya Angelou
I've always felt this agonizing ache inside me - an inner cry - I want to go home. I felt it - always there - intense - overpowering - a deep gut wrenching yearning - gnawing inside - I want to go home. I just want to go home. 

But I had no home. I had no family to go to. I was alone. On the streets. My mother dead - my older sister gone - left the city - left me alone. Just him. My father - raging - using me as a scapegoat for all his hurts and frustrations. After one vicious beating - I ran......
 I want to go home! I just want to go home!

I tried to dull its pain by being stoned - shooting dope - three, sometimes four times a day - throwing up - cutting myself. But even then - I still felt its tug - that emptiness - that aloneness - that nobody cared if I lived - or was hurt - or safe - or scared. 
Homesickness - that awful ache in my gut constantly reminding me I was completely alone. - Leaving me feeling lost - afraid - Telling me I was worthless - insignificant -  my existance meaningless. 
     I want to go home!   
It pushed me to live wild, on the edge, out of control - indifferent - not caring - daring life and God to kill me. 


This past summer we moved to a new place on the lakeshore in a beautiful community  - friendly neighbours - great surroundings - tons of wildlife. It's a long way from the streets, from not having any money or material things, from the fear of being stalked by sick crazy predators - and dancing around controlling professionals who all believed they had the answers for my life - medications, low income housing, welfare, pysch hospitals, ongoing lifetime therapy........


Somehow God cut through when nothing else could. He touched me - broke the chains - gave me a sense of FINALLY coming home.  


I'm not sure how He did it - but I do know - I'm home.  I feel it. That throbbing ache inside - gone. I'm not running alone anymore. I'm not afraid. And I'm with people - who love me - really love me - who care......


     I don't ever want to get so comfortable that I forget what it feels like to be homesick on the inside. I don't ever want to forget - I want my hand to always be extended - to reach out and help someone else find their way home.  

22 comments:

Amy De Trempe said...

I am so glad you found "home". more importantly, I am so glad God is with you in that home and you have fould a peaceful place to be.

Denise said...

God is your home sweetie, you will forever have a home with Him.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

I think it is very typical for abused children who are now adults to want to go home. I fantasize about that at times. The problem is, as you say, there is no home. What we want is not to go home; we want to have had a home. Realistically speaking, though, that cannot happen. So, it is pretty wonderful that God makes a home for us, instead. A loving one.

Andrea said...

Oh, Sara...I praise GOD with you for giving you the peace that passes all understanding. Yes, never to forget the longing of home....so that we might be usable vessels for our Heavenly Father.

Much love, hugs, and prayers, andrea

Epiphany said...

I know that's something that really means a lot to you so I am SO SO happy for you!!!!

You've put a smile on my face today too.

Love you my blog friend. xx

VICKI IN AZ said...

This is a wonderful post of gratitude. Your home your heart your family. I am so grateful to be a part of your life.

Paula said...

Sarah, mill of safe warm hugs from over here. I am so very happy for you having found HOME. I so very much can relate as for so long I feel alone, an outsider, not belonging anywhere. I still feel that way so I am glad to know it can be found and recognized as such. Love to you.

Gaia said...

Through the grace of God, you found home.. you were blessed. There are many out there, who tried to reach out, yet never finding. God be with you always.

speck of dust said...

I relate to this. It was such a strong feeling during my depression when I started therapy again. I had such a strong feeling to run out the door and run SOMEWHERE and the grief that I felt I had no home to run to was immense. And the anger and despair made me want to not live anymore.

Your new home sounds just lovely. I read Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, have you read it? He writes about the psychology of people in the concentration camps. And what happened when they were released. They thought being released would be the answer to their suffering then they realised there was more suffering to encounter and that was one of the hardest things to cope with. Do you know that you deserve everything that you have? For no other reason than you deserve to be safe and happy. And you don't owe anyone for that. I'm sure in you every life encounters with people you have a depth and sensitivity from your experiences that is already helping everyone around you. As well as this blog here. Enjoy! x x x

Oh, and I'm amazed that you have changed your life around from one extreme to the other and really can't wait to hear your full story to know how you did that. These posts are like cliff hangers. You're a very good writer!!!!

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, this is such a touching post and just confirms even more that you have and will have a story to tell many more! Thank you for sharing dear one. Many hugs to you! Glad You Are Home!!!

Madison said...

I think it's sort of great when no one can fix you but God. The professionals, the drugs, your own search - you don't know how He brought you from where you were inside to where you are today, but you know it was Him. The hope in that for those in need inspires me to believe for those in my prayers. Thank you.

Anonymous Drifter said...

I often feel what you described. I'm so glad God led you to your home.

RCUBEs said...

Whenever I pause and take a moment to reflect on what it means to be found by the Lord, it feels like a "Cinderella" story for me...From rags to riches...That's how it must feel like...I know. You know...That's how we are treated not by the prince, but by the "KING" Who loves us unconditionally. Your story is so powerful and I'm glad that your longing, your emptiness, you found in our Savior's love. He is the only One Who fills anything missing in our hearts. He fills our hearts with His love, until they overflow...

Thank you sister for praying for my son. I truly appreciate it. And the responses with that post had moved me into tears. Because I know, it is the "King" again who gave this Cinderella, many friends...And for that, I'm forever grateful :) Love you in Christ.

Prayer Girl said...

And then something happened. God touched my life. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but I know it did. It changed me. I also never want to forget where I came from - no matter how good it gets. I remember by working with others.

What a great post.

PG

Paula said...

Passing by again to show some love and visit you HOME.

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Sarah...
I'm so glad. I'm so glad you found home.
I know that ache, and have no real valid reason.. But I know it.

Thank you.
It's the most powerful post I have read in a long time.

x

Angela said...

I've sat here reading one post after another...'seeing' what you have written, 'feeling' it within me. Oh my...I praise God for leading me here this morning. It truly was not by chance, totally by His precious loving hand, guiding me here this morning..

(((((((((((hugs))))) You are SO precious beloved sister...I thank God for you.

Finally Free said...

Sarah,

Beautiful Post. Your writing is so powerful and will touch others hearts. Your blog is like leaving a light on the front porch for others to find home.

I pray that I will not forget either and be a hand extended to help others find Jesus and they can come home, too. :)

Blessing and Hugs,
Tammy

flying eagle woman said...

really, there's nothing i can say that matches the depth of blessing i would like to share...i'm just so grateful for YOU that you've found home...i too had to wait a long time to find mine...and even still i find myself wondering. God is ever faithful and merciful to complete that work He has begun in you. i hope you smile today knowing you've touched the deepest places in our hearts that many of us will never share as you have. Blessings and so much more to you!
Yes...much love to you my blog friend/sister!!!!

Marsha said...

That was a beautifully written piece.

womanwisdom said...

Sarah dear,

thanks for following my blog. it is such a blessing to visit you in your new home...i still kind of feel like i'm drifting sometimes. life, where i live is so much uncertain. but hope lives on...your post gives me much hope!

hugs!

Mary Moss said...

Dear sister, I praise God that you have found Him and that you have found a place you can call home.

I agree, I always want that twinge inside that tells me I still need God in all things--that He is my hiding place and refuge in the storm.

Thank you for sharing your heart and your story.

Blessings.