Lost and Found

“When you're lost it sometimes takes a while to realize you're lost. You convince yourself you've just wandered off the path...you'll find your way back any moment. Then night falls....you still have no idea where you are. It's time to admit you've bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” Elizabeth Gilbert

Being lost is scary...terrifying actually. I was lost a few times....once in the woods. I had my bike with me. I was alone. It had started to get dark. I remember the panic...the desperation of trying to find the way out. 

I wandered in circles....over hills, mountains, passing streams and trees...everything looking the same. Finally....I dropped my bike and took off running. In my panic.....I prayed...more like begged God to help me get out of there.  He heard. When I came across an opening that had a stream of light shining through showing the way out.....I whooped and hollered....totally relieved...totally grateful.  

Being lost isn't fun. It's scary. Frightening. I used to be lost in ways that made my world scary.  I wandered in the dark....alone....desperate to find the way out....afraid I never would. 

I drifted around going over and over the same hurtful places.  In my panic.....I prayed.....more like begged God to show me the way out. He heard. When I saw the Light illuminating the path leading out.....I was totally overwhelmed with relief, joy and gratitude. 

Being lost on your own....in the dark.....is super scary.  I've never forgotten the feeling of running scared......the panic sticking in my throat....the hope of seeing a path I thought to be the way out and then the awful let-down when I realized it led nowhere. And when I finally saw the Light showing the path out...those overwhelming feelings of relief and gratitude.... 

I won't ever forget what it felt like to be lost then found. Because of that.....I always want to shine His Light for others so they too can find their way out.

Enjoy the Journey

"Live as though life was created for you" Maya Angelou

It's always been hard for me to simply enjoy life. Although I'm happy for each day now.....letting go and living it to the fullest is something I need to consciously do.  I have to pump myself with thoughts that all I have is today.....that this is it....the time I've been given....to do as I want....how I want.....

But sometimes I'm not sure what that means or how to do that...I've been so used to focusing on getting through stuff....living with passion and purpose than simply kicking back and relaxing and enjoying the journey. It  doesn't come easy to me. I got to work at it. Really think about it. Make an conscious effort to put it into practice.

I do want to face life different......not with so much passion and fight.....but with more enjoyment. But how do you let go of the drive inside....the compulsion to attain some goal....or purpose....or plan. How do you quiet the urge....the pull...the push to get that thing done or accomplished. I drive myself crazy....living and breathing that one goal....that one purpose. I focus my whole being on that one thing.....until I manage to reach it. I let it take up way too much room in my head.

It's different when I'm out in the woods....in His creation....feeling the peace of nature. But I can't always be out there.

Life is a journey to be enjoyed. Lately I've been hearing that a lot......now to live it. 

Writing Break

"Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave." A.A.Milne

I don't like saying good-bye. I try to never say it to those I care about...the people I love. I think if I do.....I might never see them again. 

I've been thinking about taking a break from this blog for a while. I'll still be writing on my other ones and I'll be back here in a bit. 

I'm writing another book. I'm half through and need to focus on the edits and story line. 

Stay strong guys....Never give up your fight to live your best life.

Anyone who wants to still follow me can do so at my other blogs - 
Gentle Recovery or Write 2 Empower

Think!

"Think. Think. Think. Think it over, think it under."A.A.Milne

I used to be impulsive....jumping into things without giving them a second thought. Something would pop into my head or someone would suggest something.....and wham...I'd run with it. And....once in....I usually back-peddled to get out.  

Possible consequences? Pros and cons? Those  things never dawned on me. I jumped in with both feet.....not worrying about any outcome.....good or bad.

Some people told me I was spontaneous.....doing things on a whim....others said.....I was impulsive.....following my emotions.....not being cautious or  rational. I think the later was more right.....b/c I ended up in risky situations....and painful relationships. 

I learned the hard way.....to stop.....and think. Think it over. Think it under. Check things out from every angle before doing something. And I had to figure who I was....what I wanted....what I needed.....the things that were important to me. I never knew any of that. I was so used to looking outside myself for answers - It wasn't until I started looking inside that I figured out it's okay to take time.....to wait on something....to think it out...think it through.... 

I still sometimes run head first into stuff.....but less often. Now....I usually take a long time to figure out if something is good or not. It might be good for somebody else....it might even sound awesome...exciting....fun....but it might be all wrong for me. Sometimes....someone tries to pressure me into doing something...but after my emotions shout...Yes I'm in!.....something inside clicks on and screams WAIT.....THINK.....check it out.... 

Most times now...I make decisions by talking it out...thinking it over..looking at all sides of whether or not I even want to do it. Think. Think. Think. Think it over.....think it under.

Jealousy

"Jealousy is like salt in food. A little enhances the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under some circumstances, can be life-threating." Maya Angleou

I used to envy people who had what I wanted.... especially if they had a family that cared....who gave them support and didn't hurt them. 

Jealousy ate at me when I saw them with their familes....families who helped them out....who encouraged them....who were in their corner. I lived on the streets....alone...with no one caring what happened to me. It wasn't fair....

I wanted what they had.....I wanted it so badly....that safe place...where I could go to kick back...be with people who loved me....who cared...who wouldn't hurt me.

Jealousy...it's a cancer that burns inside... always hungry....never satisfied.
Jealousy....it made me crazy...wild...reinforced I wasn't good enough...
Jealousy...it painted my world dark.....empty...left me longing...yearning for what I didn't have......envious of others who did.
 
I've stopped wishing for what others have or don't have. Instead.....I'm grateful for all that I've been given....an amazing family of my own....a home on the Lakeshore....awesome friends who believe in me.....

But sometimes...even now...when friends tell me they're having reunions or get together's with sibs....parents....family....I feel that twinge..an ache....that old jealousy...wishing I had what they did....a family - but it doesn't last long....

Life isn't fair to alot of people....Everyone struggles with something or other they wish they had or didn't have.  And I've figured out.....not everything that looks good from the outside is real on the inside.  People can look like they have everything....but they may be struggling with a bad relationship...or some addiction....or drowning in debt. 

I don't say life isn't fair anymore....because I wake up grateful...everyday. Sometimes I have to shake my head to make sure what I have is really real......

I used to live on spam and handouts. I had nothing. And the worst - I didn't have myself....I had no peace. I spent most of my time hiding in
the dark....afraid of getting hurt....believing I was worthless....and about how to end my life. 

It's different now....I wake up everyday....anxious to get outside.....to smell the earth...and see the beauty in nature....the flowers...and mountains....the lake....and hear the birds singing and watch for a blueheron in flight. 

I'm grateful....for everyday....for everything in my world....things aren't perfect.....but life's pretty awesome.

A Life for a Life!

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. " Martin Luther King, Jr.  

A life for a life  - I 've been watching the Casey Anthony trial..it's made me think about the people who hurt me....who did things that caused me to slip so far down into darkness that all I wanted....was to let go.....and let the darkness have its way.  

For a long time I hated those people....I wanted them to suffer....and feel the burn like I did.

Hate consumed me. It caused me turn on myself...punishing myself for what they had done.  

It took me a long time to realize.....hating them hurt me.....not them. It kept me locked in darkness.... punching the air....and slipping further down.

The touch of His gentleness made the difference. It showed me.....love, kindness, forgiveness frees in ways that nothing else can. I knew force, threats, fear....this was different. Kindness softened my heart...gentleness quieted the rage...love dissolved the hate.

A life for a life -  I didn't get what I deserved. Instead...I was shown mercy and given a chance to live free. 
A life for a life  - I don't want those who hurt me to die.....I just don't want them to ever hurt anyone else. And as long as they have breath....there's a chance they might even turn their lives around. 
A life for a life - His for mine.....gave me the freedom I desperately wanted. 
A life for a life - it's already been done

Worst Fear

"The things which we fear the most in life have already happend to us" Robin Williams.  
 
The worse things that could happen.....already happpened. And I survived. Nothing could happen now that could be worse than what's already been. There's something freeing about that.

Corrie Ten Boon...a Dutch woman....lived a nightmare. During the 2nd World War, her family hid five Jews. Someone who attended church with them sold them out...ratted on them.....told the Nazies.  Corrie's family, including her elderly father were all thrown in a concentration camp. Corrie's sister, Betsy, died there. The Jews they hid....amazingly all escaped. Corrie was released from the camp the day before all the women her age were to be gassed.

I think about Corrie.....and what it must have felt like to be forced from the safety of her home....herded onto a train packed with more people than it could hold....taken far away from everything familiar....forced to live in deplorable conditions...and treated with terrible brutality - Yet.....

I lived my own hell.....held in a house for six to eight months.....raped and punched so hard my spleen ruptured......then living on the streets.....fighting off perverts and predators....later locked up like an animal....trapped in the system and treated like a non-person. I learned to fight...and I survived all of it. Many of my friends didn't.  

When everything is taken away....and the worst has happened....and you've been on the bottom with absolutely nothing.......and you survived....you know inside.....nothing can ever equal that horror again....nothing can be as bad.....as what you've already lived.

After her release.....Corrie tramped around the globe telling people that no darkness was so deep that God's love was not deeper still. The worst had happened....and she had survived. No more fears. She knew she had nothing to lose anymore.  I want to live the same way....not being afraid.....sharing hope...showing that the darkness really does lose it's power.....and telling people to never ever give up.....if I could survive...anyone can.

Music

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.  Berthold Auerbach

Music.....it has an amazing ability to go deep down inside to those places that need something to hang onto.....something to connect with......those times that feel empty....lonely...afraid. But also those times of being happy.

I used to listen to hard rock...the stuff that connected with the part of me that hated everything....that was angry...that hurt so bad and wondered why I was even alive. I played the tunes over and over letting the words and the beat....feed my soul....and pump me to fight back.....first with hate....now with hope. 

Music used to confirm my sense of hopelessness.....But now it pushes me to try one more time...to hold on.....to know there's a purpose....a reason for living....a reason for being me...

I love getting in the car.....cranking up the music.....and letting it pull me to another level....to a place that makes me want to reach higher...and live my best life. 

Music reflects my mood. It puts a voice to the feelings inside....the ones I don't know how to express. The sounds...the words...the rhythm reminds me that everything will be okay.....the bad will turn around. Doubts...fears will lose their hold.....and even when I'm tired...exhausted.....music renews....refreshes and comforts in ways that only it can do. The songs I listen to now give hope....enouragement.....and always fill me with a sense of passion and renewal.  

What's in a Name

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  William Shakespeare 

For those of you who've read my book or follow me on twitter and facebook, you know my real name isn't Sarah.

It's time to come clean...to own my name. When I started this blog...I needed the anonymity...a way to write without anyone knowing who I was. But now...it's okay to own my name..   

Rape and abuse do terrible things to people...it makes them move in the world in shame and fear. It makes them believe they're wrong and bad and damaged. It causes them to believe they're different and unworthy. At least that's what it did for me.  Shame crippled me. It made me believe I was worthless....and being seen terrified me. To be seen meant to be hurt again and again and again. I'm not afraid anymore. In speaking out...in speaking up.....so much of that shame has gone. 

My real name is Nikki. The meaning of my name is 'overcomer.....victorious.' And in Him....I am an overcomer. I am victorious. I kicked a 14 year drug habit, a serious eating disorder, self-injury - all  which stemmed from being physically and emotionally abused as a child and later kidnapped and raped. I learned to fight on the streets and I'm still that fighter except....I used to fight to survive.....now I'm fighting to help others find freedom too....to know if I can make it out of the darkness.....anyone can. 

I was told I could have a marginal life with professional intervention. I beat those odds. I did it with His help. My dgt. made a trailer of my book....to listen to it...you have to turn off the playlist on the sidebar. 

I am determined to use what I lived.....

Today

"Nothing is worth more than this day" Goethe 

Yesterday while out driving we passed a really bad accident. Two cars....one jumped a red light and hit another one head on. Ambulances....firemen....police. Red lights flashing......crowds gathered...everyone horrified at the scene that had unfolded in a blink of an eye. 

A couple of weeks ago.....a friend called. Her sister had been rushed to the hospital. I went to see her. We talked....laughed....everything seemed fine. She got hit with pneumonia.....a week later.....she died.

Life - it's pretty fragile and unpredictable. I never thought about it before. I was too focused on fighting to survive.  But now....

All I know for sure...is that I have today....right now.....this moment. And for all those times I thought about ending my life.....Now I want each day to count....to be with my family....to watch my kids grow....to be outside....and smell the sweet smell of life in the air...and look up in the sky....and trust and know there's a purpose for each one of us. 

I've changed. Everything in me wants to live fully....to wake up...to know it's another day to kick back and breathe in life......

It's so crazy.....at one time.....I balanced on a thin thread hovering between life and death - not convinced life held any meaning other than pain and fear. Not anymore. Now......I wake up and can't wait to start the day. I love getting outside...in the fresh air....feeling the wind in my hair....hearing His whisper in my heart.....listening to my heartsong and knowing I really want to live....each day.....as if its my last.....to the fullest....giving my best.  I want to make up for all those lost years. 

And I want others to feel what I feel.....that peace inside...and joy that sometimes feels like it gonna spill over. And on the dark days....the days I'm too tired...the days that aren't going the best......I want to write....and remember.....I have  today......to make a difference....and live my best life.

Fighting Tools

"I'll never say never.  I'll fight till forever.  I never thought I could feel this power. I never thought I could feel this free" Justin Beiber

When things had gotten so bad in my life I somehow managed to grasp onto hope. Hope gave me the power to hold on...to not let go.....to not give up. 

Hope pushed back despair...It made me believe there could be freedom from the dance with darkness.  Hope became a lifeline....an anchor....

But what really made the biggest difference....was when I somehow slipped from hope into faith.  With hope I wished things would change. But once I had faith, I knew they would. I'm not sure how I even moved from one to the other. All I know is I needed hope.....and then I needed faith. Faith gave me the courage and power to fight back.  It enabled me to clench my fists.....grit my teeth and apply all my energy to getting out of the cycle of shame that had taken over my life. 

It was like being in a tornado.....the fight to get out was tough. I remember days when I was so tired from trying to stop the downward pull from sucking me deeper into that black hole. But I wouldn't stop fighting. I shut my ears to people who said,  you can't...you won't.....not possible. I couldn't hear that. I wouldn't. Instead I focused  on getting free. And looking back now....that road to freedom was hard....tough....long...scary. Very scary. Especially when friends died....gave up....gave in....couldn't hold on.  Many times I wanted to close my eyes...go to sleep...and never wake up. I didn't want to think anymore....or feel the pain......but  that fighter in me needed to fight...to beat this thing. 

Faith became my strength. It helped me. But first.....I needed hope to believe that maybe the dance could change. Hope gave me that expectation......and faith was the force that pushed me to the winner's line. 

I learned it can get even darker before the Light begins to shine through....but once that Light gets in.....it begins to work its magic pushing back every bit of blackness....inch by inch until all that's left is Light....