Forgiven

"The past can't be changed, can it? It can just be forgiven." Elizabeth George 

They live inside my head....the memories of what happened.....it's all there....the pain, the fear, the fight to hold on.....all that darkness.....and the people who hurt me.....who tried to keep me down...who terrified me....and tried to keep me from living free - they're there too....

But the neat thing.....they're just memories...with no power....smoke without fire. 

I have choices now....how I want to move in the world....what I want my life to look like...be like. I have choices.....what I want or don't want. It's still a struggle some days....but nothing compared to what it was. Most days now.....I wake up happy....thankful to be alive....grateful I survived....

I can't change what happened...or that I had to fight alone against people trying to keep me living less than my best.....

But I do have choices today.....how I'm going to live.....what I'm going to do with all that stuff.  And I chose to forgive the things that happened and the people who hurt me.  I can't forget...but I can use what happened to show hope and make a difference for someone else.

What happened....shaped who I am...they made me me.....a fighter....someone who refuses to stay down. I learned from living on the streets....from the things I had to fight.....to never give in....to never give up.  And I learned from the people I met....those more vulnerable....who couldn't fight....to walk more gently....to have compassion....

And those people who hurt me....who almost killed me from what they did......they couldn't touch my spirit. They left scars on my body but they couldn't leave them on my soul....

I'm grateful to be alive....to have another day to draw in a breathe and live my best life.....to shine hope for someone else fighting their way through the darkness. Someone once told me the best revenge is to live my best life. I'm determined....that's what I'm going to do. And in doing that....I forgive.  I'm doing that for me.....and for my kids....so they have a mom who'se free.....

We're going on holidays....heading to the mountains....a place I feel free....connected.....strong.  And it's there I hear His whisper reminding me......nothing is ever impossible to overcome.

A Life for a Life!

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. " Martin Luther King, Jr.  

A life for a life  - I 've been watching the Casey Anthony trial..it's made me think about the people who hurt me....who did things that caused me to slip so far down into darkness that all I wanted....was to let go.....and let the darkness have its way.  

For a long time I hated those people....I wanted them to suffer....and feel the burn like I did.

Hate consumed me. It caused me turn on myself...punishing myself for what they had done.  

It took me a long time to realize.....hating them hurt me.....not them. It kept me locked in darkness.... punching the air....and slipping further down.

The touch of His gentleness made the difference. It showed me.....love, kindness, forgiveness frees in ways that nothing else can. I knew force, threats, fear....this was different. Kindness softened my heart...gentleness quieted the rage...love dissolved the hate.

A life for a life -  I didn't get what I deserved. Instead...I was shown mercy and given a chance to live free. 
A life for a life  - I don't want those who hurt me to die.....I just don't want them to ever hurt anyone else. And as long as they have breath....there's a chance they might even turn their lives around. 
A life for a life - His for mine.....gave me the freedom I desperately wanted. 
A life for a life - it's already been done

Today

"Nothing is worth more than this day" Goethe 

Yesterday while out driving we passed a really bad accident. Two cars....one jumped a red light and hit another one head on. Ambulances....firemen....police. Red lights flashing......crowds gathered...everyone horrified at the scene that had unfolded in a blink of an eye. 

A couple of weeks ago.....a friend called. Her sister had been rushed to the hospital. I went to see her. We talked....laughed....everything seemed fine. She got hit with pneumonia.....a week later.....she died.

Life - it's pretty fragile and unpredictable. I never thought about it before. I was too focused on fighting to survive.  But now....

All I know for sure...is that I have today....right now.....this moment. And for all those times I thought about ending my life.....Now I want each day to count....to be with my family....to watch my kids grow....to be outside....and smell the sweet smell of life in the air...and look up in the sky....and trust and know there's a purpose for each one of us. 

I've changed. Everything in me wants to live fully....to wake up...to know it's another day to kick back and breathe in life......

It's so crazy.....at one time.....I balanced on a thin thread hovering between life and death - not convinced life held any meaning other than pain and fear. Not anymore. Now......I wake up and can't wait to start the day. I love getting outside...in the fresh air....feeling the wind in my hair....hearing His whisper in my heart.....listening to my heartsong and knowing I really want to live....each day.....as if its my last.....to the fullest....giving my best.  I want to make up for all those lost years. 

And I want others to feel what I feel.....that peace inside...and joy that sometimes feels like it gonna spill over. And on the dark days....the days I'm too tired...the days that aren't going the best......I want to write....and remember.....I have  today......to make a difference....and live my best life.

Changes

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” Herman Hesse

What is it about change that's so scary? Whenever I feel a need for change.....a need to move on.....a need to let go.....I fight and struggle to hold on...afraid of the change....afraid of letting go of what I know....especially if what I know has been something good.  And even when it hasn't been......at least it's familiar. 

Lately.....I've been feeling a pull to move forward....away from the famliar.....and what's been comfortable. I don't want to give up the things where I once found security and support. But those things are beginning to hurt me more than help me. And to stay means giving up parts of who I am....and the things I need to live free.  

Letting go feels like a huge loss.... a sort of death. To let go or hold on? 

Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

Touching Life

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." Sissy Spacek

I was sick. I think I had the flu or something.  My father pulled me to the table....demanded I eat. Shoving his fist in my face - he threatened if I didn't eat he would force the food down my throat. I took a bite....then threw up. He didn't care. He swore...pushed more food at me.....demanding I eat it. I tried...I couldn't keep it down.. Later.....hiding in my closet - in the dark - I bit my arms until my teeth left indents...and my arms bled.

I think eating and food are metahpors for life and living. Food - it  nourishes the body, keeps you alive...some of my friends  talk about food and eating as pleasurable experiences....they go into great details about textures, tastes...what they love, don't like....baking, cooking, tasting - speaking in animated excited tones...

Food - eating....touching life. Sometimes I still walk around feeling I have no right to touch life...to use things....things that are supposed to bring pleasure...things that are meant for enjoyment. Sometimes I still feel like an intruder....sneaking around a house I've broken into. It's a strange sensation....a sense of not being allowed to really be part of life.

I eat the same things everyday. eggs, popcorn - cereal - something in me still can't let myself touch, feel, experience the pleasures of life. There's a part of me that still believes I don't deserve what others enjoy. Somewhere deep inside - I still think I have no right to life. - It's not the way I used to believe. I used to think I had no right to exist at all.  I don't feel that anymore - I just need to know inside that' it's ok to touch, to feel, to experience life in its fullness. 

I want to feel what my friends feel. I want to touch life as life is meant to be lived. I am really connected when running in the woods  - but it's too cold outside. And my body is always physicially cold. My friends tell me it's because I don't eat the right things. 

Touching life - feeling it's warmth - that's what I want.

Afraid but Going Forward

"When you were born, you cried. 
Live your life so when you die, others cry." Native Proverb 

My book, In the Eye of Deception, is at the publisher. My words, my thoughts written in the last year - all complied in a book for the world to see. 

These last few weeks, I've been running on confidence - confidence to tell, to share, to be vulnerable  - my way - to show gratitude to Him - gratitude for what He did in my life....

When I close my eyes, I see it all like a movie playing in my head - the people, the sirens, the hospitals, the prison, the streets, fighting - desperate to be free.....shoving needles in my arms - going with anyone - desperate for a fix, a high - aching to be free from the awful lonliness, the crippling shame, the terror....It never let up. - Standing on the window ledge - believing if I jumped I wouldn't die....crouched in the fire....hearing that voice tell me he knew, and I knew so burn baby burn.....Seeing that house...where the rapist held me....climbing that 6 foot high fence in the middle of winter with no shoes, or coat or warm clothes - desperate to be free.....Throwing up day after day - afraid to eat - slashing my arms, biting myself.....my only way to fight the 'professionals' who kept pushing me to be and do what I just couldn't - forcing me to take pills that made me feel like a zombie -tying me to the bed......like an animal......I hated them..I hated me -  Locked up with people who scared me, who set themselves on fire, some who were violent, others talking and screaming to no one or threatening to kill anyone who looked at them the wrong way.... 

I thought I would die in that miserable darkness. I didn't wait for it to kill me - I tried over and over to take my life....He wouldn't let me die.

He had a plan, a purpose. He reached so far down and did what nothing else could. He touched me, freed me......shattered the chains that held me tight.

Last night and this morning it hit me - I'm afraid to be known - to be known for all of who I am. I've shown people only the parts of me I think are ok - Putting a book out there with the details of my life.....all those horrible things - I'm afraid..... I'm afraid but there seems to be somthing that feels stronger than that fear - a desire to give back - to help someone else find hope and freedom. Maybe my life, the darkness I lived - can be a catalyst for someone climbing out of their hell, their misery, their darkness.

My book will be out next week. A writer friend told me to start a webpage. I had it up and running, people from my other blog and facebook were linking to it and then today....I can't access it. No one can. All that work. Maybe it's a techno glitch so if anyone wants to try to check it out.  It still needs work...

www.gentlerecovery.webs.com

 

 

Living Free

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I'm with you kid, Let's go." 

Maya Angelou

My nine yr. old does everything with passion. She makes everything look so awesome. When she eats - it's with gusto, savoring each bite as if it were her last. When she sleeps, she makes her bed look so cozy that I just want to crawl in beside her. And when she laughs, her face completely lights up and her whole body laughs with her......

She's also my kid who finds $10 bills on the ground in the supermarket, and spots trinkets and treasures no one else notices. Hiking through the woods, she's the one who shouts with glee, don't step on the frogs. Frogs? What frogs? She points. There in the brush - almost invisable  - tiny frogs....

Life through my nine yr. old's eyes is rich, exciting, nothing to be missed, everything to be enjoyed. I love that. I love watching her....I love being a part of her world...of her discoveries....every experience an exciting adventure....

Living life with enthusiasm...living life as if everything is a miracle...a fresh new experience..full of wonder, full of joy.

I've spent most of my life living the opposite - moving cautiously - fearful -trying hard to be invisible - believing I had no right to exist, no right to live - no right to the wonders and thrills life offers. I've tried to live without being seen, or heard.......

My daughter has never been abused, never beaten, never called names, never left alone for hours, never criticized, never shamed.......My nine year old is teaching me how we're supposed to live our lives. Free. Full of joy. Excited.

I want to live like my nine year old - looking at life with fresh eyes - I'm discovering some of that freedom as I 'voice' what happened - all those horrible things - the years spent wondering if death would be better than life....

I survived. I survived for a reason. I survived to tell - I survived to live free - to not be afraid anymore. There are days I feel like my nine year - days when just smelling the earth feels better than anything - or feeling so energized that I need to dance around the house with the girls or belt out songs that my neighbours can hear me singing.....

When I think of where I was, how dark life had been, how empty and painful - and then I think of where I am now - I'm stunned at the transformation - I remember standing on the rooftop ready to jump to my death - or sitting in that fire not even trying to get out - or the many drug overdoses, or being held and raped thinking I would die in that house.....how did I survive?  I don't know. I have no idea - but I did survive.

Somehow He saw worth where I saw none. Somehow He knew.... I want to live like my 9 yr. old. He's given me a 2nd chance - a chance to live my life with passion - to live each day of my life as if it were my last.

Restless

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." Oprah Winfrey

I'm restless - a lot of the time. I have tons of energy. I need to move - and keep moving. When I'm sitting too long - my mind wanders. I feel fidgety. Edgy. There's a strong intense surge of energy that builds inside me - a push to get up, to move, to do something. I try to fight it - I tell myself - hang in - focus - stay still - chill.


My mind drifts - wanders. I want to experience more right at that moment - I want to do something - anything - except sit and listen and wait...... I feel this driving need pulling at me - to get up, run, move - create -


Sometimes I wonder if that restlessness is from all the times I was forced to be still, to be silent - to wait.
The many times I was locked in the car - alone - for hours. Crouching in the back on the floor - not moving - afraid - praying no one would notice me - 

The many times I was pinned to the bed - for hours.....feeling smothered, trapped, desperate to get up.

The many times I sat still - listening to tapes of the rapist tell how he was the savior for the world....for hours.

Confined by the hospital - in a small room or tied to a bed - feeling like an amimal caught in a trap - for hours.....

Restlessness - I feel it in every fibre of my being. It's a feeling of being trapped, confined, held back......

Restlessness - it doesn't let up. It builds until I'm forced to do something to seek relief....I used to hit up, throw up, cut. I won't do that anymore. Now I run or bike or swim or write. 

Restlessness - this strong intense inner agitation. An angst to move - to be free.


Being physically active works for me. There are days when it's raining, or so cold I can't go out. Once, last winter, I felt so agitated - I needed to run, or move or do something. My 13 year old held out her hands to me. Let's run mom. I looked at her. Huh? She smiled. Take my hands. Let's run, on the spot. We did. It was tons of fun. Now we do it all the time challenging each other to see who tires first.


My kids have no idea what I lived. I won't tell them - not now - but they are in tune with my needs. And God uses them to help me. I'm so thankful that today I am free to move - free to experience life - free to live. And I'm trying to channel this restless energy into something positive - like writing to give others hope - 

It doesn't matter anymore what happened to me - it matters more how I use what happened.....I'm determined to use it for something good.

Refusing Fear

"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows." Japanese Proverb
I drove to work this morning with the song, "  How can you say there is no God...  playing around in my head. All morning that tune played over and over  inside me. I felt like I could fly. By the time I left work, I had so much energy I needed some way to release it. I drove to the mountains where I love to run. The air, the smells, the sights - being in nature - made me feel even more pumped.

Before I had left work, a friend told me she's concerned I run alone in the woods. I hit the trails and started running. Her words popped into my head. I started to feel afraid - afraid to run in the place I love. I kept running through the isolated wooded trails, but I became aware of a growing sense of not being safe - of the possiblity someone evil was lurking behind the trees, on the trails, waiting - I felt that familiar sense of needing to brace my body, to be on guard, watching, attuned to every sound, every movement......It was too much. I was really afraid. I turned around and headed back to my car. I hate that as a female, we never feel really safe in the world.

Fear - I don't want to live being afraid. I don't want to be restricted in what I do or don't do just because I'm too afraid. I do that a lot. I'm still afraid to be seen. I still find it easier to talk in the darkness. I'm still afraid of people knowing the real me, how bad things had been - so I keep a distance - And I'm still afraid of being alone in the dark -
Fear - it has a life of its own. It drives, it pushes, it picks up steam the more I feed it with wild crazy thoughts from my imagination. 
Fear - it cripples, it stops me from living my best life, from doing the things I really want to do.  And it forces me to accept situations I don't want.
I never used to admit I was afraid. Instead I forced myself to be brave, to look fearless - by shoving needles in my arms, or throwing up or cutting myself. I never cried - instead I fought - mostly myself - to stay strong - to not show weakness - to not show fear.  


Fear - someone once told me it's the opposite of faith. I want to walk in faith - faith that I can do anything I want. Faith that has a positive strength to it. 
Faith that can stand up and speak and not be afraid. Faith that can look fear  head on and not back down.  
I know I need to be careful - to not put myself in crazy situations. Maybe running in the woods alone isn't so smart. I need to really think about that. Other fears - fears that control me - I want to challenge them and become freer. 

Life

"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look at the stars." Henry Van Dyke

I'm glad God let me live. I'm glad He didn't let me die.

And I'm glad I'm not crippled, or sick or physically a mess because of all the things I did to my body. He let me live. And He gives me this amazing joy inside that makes me feel like I can fly.

Many times I wanted to take my own life. I tried. I popped tons of pills, overdosed shooting up, walked in front of cars, stood on the ledges of buildings, became so thin my heart could have stopped - Yet He let me live.

I shook my fist at Him, daring Him to kill me - but He wouldn't. I tempted life - ended up in crazy and dangerous situations where others could have killed me - He didn't let them.

He ran with me even when I didn't know Him. He fought for me when I was determined to live opposite to what He wanted. He saw something in me I couldn't see. I guess He knew I would live for Him if I ever let Him free me.

I keep wanting to ask why me when so many of my friends died. I won't ever know why, but I promise I will be whatever He wants. I'll do whatever He asks even if I'm afraid. I love Him. He touched me. He freed me. He broke chains that held me really tight - chains that were choking life from me.

I couldn't feel anyone's love. I couldn't accept kindness from anyone. I knew I didn't deserve it. I deserved nothing. When someone said they loved me I didn't believe them. I didn't know what they meant. I didn't trust them. In my mind, I believed I had no right to exit.

Somehow though, God broke through that. Somehow He manged to show me love that was so amazing it broke through the barrier of shame and did what nothing else could -

I'm really glad He didn't let me die. I'm really glad I know Him. I'm really glad I belong to Him.I want my life to count. I want it to count for Him.

Gifts in Life

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echos are truly endless." Mother Theresa

I was thirteen when my friend Tommy taught me how to play chess. I got good at it very quickly. I loved figuring out strategies. I loved winning. I loved beating him.

Playing chess helped me survive on the streets. It taught me how to use my wits. It taught me how to figure out strategies that kept me alive.

At the time, Tommy fought with me to sit still, to learn the game. I wanted to be outside. I hated being still. At first I thought the game was too boring. He was a thinker. Unlike me, he wanted to sit quiet and think. Today I am grateful to Tommy's patience and how he taught me something that became a gift in my life.

I never knew when I started blogging I would connect with some amazing people. You guys are a gift. I learn from you, from your struggles, from your comments - Thank you so much for being here, for each of you being who you are.

I read your blogs and am amazed at the courage, the strength, the kindness and the perservance you all have. I've gotten to know many of you, some more than others - I find myself thinking of you guys and praying for each of you.

And you have allowed me to have my voice, to say those things I've never able to say. I always felt alone in what happened. I couldn't let anyone in to this part of my world, the ugly part, the extreme self hate, the shame.......

You have listened, encouraged me and offered support. I want you to know how grateful I am for all of you. I want you to know how much I appreciate you. I think you guys are the absolute best. I think you guys are God's gift to me.

Because I Remember

"Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember I have the duty to reject despair." Eli Wiesel

I feel sad today. Really sad. Not sure why or what caused it. Maybe it's the move - the changes - the need to let go of what was familiar.

Last night we went to check out the wooded trails. They're beautiful, but they're not the same as the ones I used to run in. A guy ran up to us and excitedly pointed across the marsh. "Look." A deer stood in the distance grazing. I thought of the other woods where the deer were everywhere and only an arms length away. It doesn't matter, I tell myself. It doesn't matter. You'll discover new places.

This morning I jumped on my bike and rode until my legs hurt. On the way home, I came through a huge cemetary. I passed an old man wiping the top of a tall gravestone with a cloth. I saw sadness etched on his face. I wanted to stop and say something kind to him but I couldn't. I rode by wondering if he was still taking care of his deceased wife in the only way he could.

I passed a section of about 50 uniform gravestones. Soldiers. Who were those young men who sacrificed their lives? What were their dreams, their hopes, their desires? Were they scared as they watched their friends fall beside them knowing the next bomb could be them? Who were their families who have lived with the pain of their death?

I rarely cry. I have always forced myself to be strong. To not give in. To not fall. I learned that as a kid being humiliated and beaten and terrorized over and over and over. I fought so hard to stay alive - taking all the anger, hurt and pain out on myself. Just to stay alive. - to not buckle. Not fall.

This morning I cried.

I took the kids to see the new Pixar movie, 'Up.' These are the makers of Finding Nemo and Toystory. I needed to laugh, to feel good.

I sat in the theatre crying. Couldn't stop.

The movie was about a boy growing up,getting married, unable to have children - him and his wife holding onto a dream they never fulfilled together. And then she dies and they want to put him in a home. This isn't a kid's movie. It's too sad. Too much about the hardship of life. In the end, he allowed himself to dream new dreams.

I walked out of the theatre knowing I needed to give myself permission to let go of what was and to trust God with whatever lies in the future.

I never allowed myself to cry because I was always afraid if Idid I would fall apart. I didn't fall apart this morning. I think it's ok to cry. I think it helped me to let go and move forward.

SPAM

"The right time to eat is: for a rich man when he is hungry, for a poor man when he has something to eat." Mexican Proverb

There was a time in my life I had little money, no power and few material things. I remember a friend introducing me to "spam." Not the internet spam. This was supposed to be food. I'm still not convinced it really was. It came in a rectangle tin can with a little key that opened it. Inside was a thick chunk of processed meat. It was so gross. My friend used to fry it, throw spices over it and he actually liked it. Me? It made me want to puke. The only thing I liked about spam was that little key.

I looked up spam on google and some of the meanings it gave were; Some Piece of Alien Material or Some Pink Aged Meat or Specially Prepared Awful Meat. I don't know what spam is but I don't ever want to eat it again.

Survival. - I did crazy things to survive. Like eating spam.

We are in the process of moving. It's a great house on the lakeshore in a beautiful neighbourhood and within a five minute walk to wooded trails.

I am completely overcome with all God has given me. He really is a Father to the fatherless. Since the first time He touched me, I have always felt the power of His gentleness. He has never pushed me into anything. He waits until I'm ready. I used to be so angry, wild and out of control. Sometimes I still feel that way inside especially when I'm afraid, but even in those times He's there. He understands.

I went running in the woods yesterday and found a baby deer - lying dead, it's face peaceful and still. It reminded me of innocent kids being abused and hurt for no reason. It reminded me of me as a child, shamed and hurt and rejected. I wanted to touch that deer, hold it and bring it back to life. Like God did for me. He gave me life when I had nothing, - when I was lost, when I was almost dead. Now I owe Him my life.

Hope and Dignity

"I was confused. You cleared my mind. I sold my soul. You bought it back for me and held me up and gave me dignity. You gave me hope when I was at the end and turned my lies back into truth again. You even called me friend." Anne Murray

I am overwhelmed with God's love. He reached out to me and in His gentle way, freed me from the awefulness of living on the street, fighting to survive and using my body as a target for all the rage and hatred I had for the people who hurt me. I often wonder why me. Why did He touch me and let me live? I should have died like so many of the people I knew, - like my friend, Sue. One night, she turned on Anne Murray's song, Snowbird, letting it play over and over while she swallowed a ton of pills. She was dead in the morning, - the song still playing, "But now I feel such emptiness within, for the the thing I want in life's the thing I can't win. Spread your tiny wings and fly away."

Someone once told me, the best revenge is to live my life happy and successful. It's been a fight, a struggle, a war. So many times, I wanted to do what Sue had done, let go, give up, "spread my wings and fly away," but God put a fight in me, a determination to live.

All those beatings, being kidnapped and raped, the crazy, terrifying street life, the drugs, the throwing up, the incarceration in jail, confined in a psych hopsital - somehow God used all that to make me strong. He didn't let me die. He wouldn't let me go even when I begged Him to kill me. He "bought my soul back and gave me dignity." He touched me, broke the chains and set me free, when nothing else worked.

Why me? Why not Sue? I had other friends who took their lives, or accidently died from overdosing or because of being so stoned and doing something weird. I used to climb to the top of buildings and stand on the edge with my arms out not caring that I could have fallen to my death. I thought I was invincible. Other times I just wanted to dare life to let me go.

I owe Him my life. The gratitude I feel makes me want to help people like Sue, to give them hope and let them know, if I can do it, they can too. With God, nothing is impossible. I have discovered, there is no darkness so black, no valley so low, He can not redeem it for his glory.


I am alive today because of Him, because of His touch on my life.

Real Strength

"It is the support and care and love you give yourself that gives you the real strength to care for and love others." Oprah Winfrey

I want to make a difference. I want to impact others in positive ways. I know it has to start with me. - Taking care of myself, honoring the life God blessed me with; embracing all of who I am; the good, the bad and the ugly. Accepting me just as I am. That is a tough thing to do some days. For years I berated myself for not being good enough. I did to myself what those who hurt me, did to me. I called myself names when I couldn't do something. I hurt myself to try to stop being afraid or when I felt vulnerable and weak. I refused to eat and threw up when I did because I believed I had no right to exist. That's what I was told. That's what I accepted.

The cult of deception: - lies I believed. Lies that almost destroyed me. Lies that kept me in a cycle of pain. I lived my life based on those lies. The lies made me sick. I had persistent panic attacks. Simply walking down the street triggered them. My stomach hurt. I felt dizzy, lightheaded. My perceptions became distorted and my heart raced. I felt like I was losing control and was powerless to stop it. I obsessed about the fear of being seen. Being seen meant getting hurt - I spent a lifetime hiding.

But amazingly God touched me. Broke the curse of deception. Cut the cords of despair. Filled me with a joy that bubbled and overflowed. The self-destructive behaviours continued. My need to hide persisted, except now I felt I wasn't alone in the dance anymore.

I started reading the Bible. I discovered its power of truth was able to dispel the darkness. I read and reread and learned I was made in His image. I found out I was the apple of His eye. I learned He wanted to set me free.

I moved with caution, but at least I moved. For every two steps forward I was thrown one back. I became frustrated, angry, overwhelmed. But I sensed His Spirit whispering encouragement, prodding me to keep taking a step, then another, and then another.

His touch empowered me. He poured His love into my broken spirit. Somehow His gentleness made a difference. There were days I was so consumed with self-hate that I raised my fist in the air and screamed at Him, daring Him to kill me. Amazingly, instead, He whispered words of peace. The presence of His love walked me through the lies and the pain - He taught me new ways to cope - running, nature, friends, His Word.

I want to partner with Him to help others find freedom. I live with tremendous gratitude.