"Fear is only as deep as the mind allows." Japanese Proverb
I drove to work this morning with the song, " How can you say there is no God... playing around in my head. All morning that tune played over and over inside me. I felt like I could fly. By the time I left work, I had so much energy I needed some way to release it. I drove to the mountains where I love to run. The air, the smells, the sights - being in nature - made me feel even more pumped.
Before I had left work, a friend told me she's concerned I run alone in the woods. I hit the trails and started running. Her words popped into my head. I started to feel afraid - afraid to run in the place I love. I kept running through the isolated wooded trails, but I became aware of a growing sense of not being safe - of the possiblity someone evil was lurking behind the trees, on the trails, waiting - I felt that familiar sense of needing to brace my body, to be on guard, watching, attuned to every sound, every movement......It was too much. I was really afraid. I turned around and headed back to my car. I hate that as a female, we never feel really safe in the world.
Fear - I don't want to live being afraid. I don't want to be restricted in what I do or don't do just because I'm too afraid. I do that a lot. I'm still afraid to be seen. I still find it easier to talk in the darkness. I'm still afraid of people knowing the real me, how bad things had been - so I keep a distance - And I'm still afraid of being alone in the dark -
Fear - it has a life of its own. It drives, it pushes, it picks up steam the more I feed it with wild crazy thoughts from my imagination.
Fear - it cripples, it stops me from living my best life, from doing the things I really want to do. And it forces me to accept situations I don't want.
I never used to admit I was afraid. Instead I forced myself to be brave, to look fearless - by shoving needles in my arms, or throwing up or cutting myself. I never cried - instead I fought - mostly myself - to stay strong - to not show weakness - to not show fear.
Fear - someone once told me it's the opposite of faith. I want to walk in faith - faith that I can do anything I want. Faith that has a positive strength to it.
Faith that can stand up and speak and not be afraid. Faith that can look fear head on and not back down.
I know I need to be careful - to not put myself in crazy situations. Maybe running in the woods alone isn't so smart. I need to really think about that. Other fears - fears that control me - I want to challenge them and become freer.
The Old Fashion Way, Victorian Times.
6 months ago