Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Secrets

"Secrets are made to be found out with time." Charles Sanford

Secrets - I kept so many of them. All the time. Never told anyone anything.
Secrets - I didn't think anyone would believe me. I didn't think I got it right. I thought I was making it up. And I thought it was no big deal. 
Secrets - they tore at me  - kept me living in shame - terrified to be seen - unable to look people in their eyes or worse have them look in mine. If they did, I knew they would see how bad, how horrible, how disgusting I was.
Secrets - they forced me to inflict pain on myself because I believed it was all my fault - everything that happened - everything they told me - I was bad - deserved it - worthless - garbage - I ran with those beliefs. Everytime I pushed a needle in my arm, everytime I puked my guts out - everytime I pulled jagged rocks up my arms until the blood oozed out and I could breathe - 
Secrets - the images danced in my brain forcing me to stay awake, terrified to sleep, terrified of the dark, of what could happen in the dark.....
Secrets - made me angry - angry at me. I hated me - everything about me. I tried to destroy myself because I knew they were right - I had no right to exist, no right to life -
Secrets -Finally I discovered I had believed Lies. Lies that kept me stuck. Lies that had sounded so much like the truth. Lies. Deception. 


It's taken me a long time to tell. To tell the truth. The truth of what they did to me. It wasn't my fault - 
Those 4 words it wasn't my fault helped me breathe again, helped me know it was wrong what happened - they had no right. How could I not know that before?


Last week, the radio was abuzz with talk about this loved teacher and Christian youth leader....charged by police for molesting two boys in a Christian camp. The day after he was charged, he commited suicide.
Secrets....
A friend came to me the other day, she's a nurse - told me she needs help - told me no one knows - told me she's  a Christian and an alcoholic - drinking 16 oz. of booze a day.

Secrets....
A good friend of mine found out her husband of twenty years was addicted to porn and had been having an online affair
Secrets....hidden. shameful....destructive
I don't want to live with secrets anymore. I am commited to telling what happened to me. Commited to saying the truth in the hopes someone else whose keeping secrets will tell.....will get help.....will find freedom.

20 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Oh Sarah, your words burn right through me! This is such an awesome post from the depth of your heart you share! I appreciate so very much, thank you! Blessings and hugs.....

Paula said...

Sarah I so very much can relate. You once again up my past and hence showing me how far I have come. I remember when I frist read "Family secrets - what you dont know can hurt you" - I felt reborn on that day, unburdened. For me ti was like turning a switch from secrets to truth. The switch was anger. But this time not anger at myself. Love you.
P.S. You made me laugh even more abotu your comment - love oyur humour "if I could walk a tad faster" - how hilarious is that now. MIll of safe hugs

Andrea said...

It is so important to remember "the truth sets us free." It may be a painful process, but we are free~~~

~~~~free to fly~~~high in the sky~~~ with our Heavenly Father~~~soaring on eagles wings~~~~

andrea

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

It's so true--the truth will set us free. Telling people--especially people we trust--is the first step to freedom.

I'm proud of you, Sarah! I know this isn't easy but it will be worth it! Have a great day!

Maureen said...

In telling the truth, sharing the secrets, we take away their power to keep us chained in shame and fear. I am so glad that you are breaking your chains. The enemy wants us to believe that we are the only one, that no one will understand. You are doing a great work in the name of truth that will give many others the courage to tell their own secrets. God bless you richly.

Zan said...

A little by little, louder and louder. Your story is worth telling, your story encourages others, your story is painful, yet it's beautiful because of who you are.
You're worthy of your story being told.
A little by little... louder and louder..

Gin said...

I was just talking to my sister-in-law about this. Secrets help no one. We speak up out of love for our family member, not hate. They may not view it that way at the moment, but it truly is in hopes of them getting help.

RCUBEs said...

What's scary is that there is really no secrets in the eyes of the Lord for He sees everything...I'm thankful for His truth in everything...His forgiveness...His love...His acceptance that despite all these bad secrets we have, He loves us and wants us to live in freedom. Thank you for this honest post...You inspire! Blessings to you sister and God bless you always. Take care of yourself and like what you always tell me: "stay strong!!!" :)

DreamDancer said...

I can relate to this strongly. There are so many secrets locked within my mind... beginning to break free. It hurts, but through sharing them, I will heal. Thanks for the courage to speak up. Blessings dear :)

Epiphany said...

What an incredible post Sarah.

Mary said...

secrets, hiding the sin committed against us, secrets, hiding the sin we commit leaves the act of sin unresolved. We may try to ignore it or stuff it - it may even lie dormant for a while, but unresolved sin is always buried alive. It does not die. You speaking it is a brave necessary step in the healing of it. And in the process of healing for yourself, you open doors of healing for others.

Lisa Marie said...

Secrets are a razor that shred your insides. You are right... they are shameful, yet carry so much power. Those 4 words that freed you are what everyone in our situation should work towards. It was not our fault.

Thank you for spreading that word. Bless you!

flying eagle woman said...

your words here are giving release to so many others...many won't post a comment here but will walk away after having read your blog and say to themselves "it wasn't just me..."

you truly are a light on the hill...

thank you

Finally Free said...

Sarah,

What an amazing post! I pray that God will bring others to your blog and help them realize, "It wasn't there fault."

Blessings,
Tammy

Denise said...

Bless you for this powerful post dear.

Valerie Lynn said...

Hello Sarah, how I have missed you! You know I am so proud of you for releasing your pain. I am proud of you for taking the step of faith and telling your story. God will never lead you to do something that will hurt you. God always protects His children. Keep leaning on the Lord and don't rely on your own understanding. God's plans always, always work out for the best. Your time to shine my friend is now. Keep shining Sarah. God is with you and so am I.

I love you!

Mary Moss said...

My dear "new" friend and sister in Christ. I rejoice with you in the power you have found in the TRUTH.

I pray God's continued blessings upon you as you courageously face down the lies of your former life.

Blessings,
Mayr

HeartfeltHeartLook said...

I know this sounds crazy, but this was almost like a song when I read it.

God bless you for speaking when others can't find the words!

Hugs to you and prayers too.

Terri Tiffany said...

When people find and hear that you are willing to be open and share, you will give them the courage they need to share as well and then also heal:)

Marj aka Thriver said...

Yes, this is definitely a case where the term "the truth will set you free" is appropriate and accurate. I used to keep secrets about everything, too. I'm glad so many of us survivors have found our voices.

Thanks so much for allowing us to use this wonderful post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. It has a wonderful message for survivors.