Saturday, October 17, 2009

Not Alone Anymore


"We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we would cease to grow....." Leo F. Buscaglia
All that time, living on the streets, fighting to survive....alone....
Lonliness hurts. It hurts so bad. That pain - in your gut - constantly there - reminding you no one  cares  - driving your behaviour - forcing you to seek relief in things that create more hurt, more pain. Lonliness - it never left - its intense hold - its powerful grip - gnawing away inside...

Lonliness that causes a pain so intense - the only relief you can think of is death. I remember that pain...those years - an emptiness so deep....a gut wrenching despair - connected to no one - feeling utterly worthless - not good enough. No one to care if I ate, or slept, or was sick or cold or scared....
Lonliness....It hurt so bad - I wanted relief - I wanted it to end - that agonizing pain - to just go away. 

Lonliness - is a disease. It eats away at you - steals your life - leaves you feeling hopeless - always craving - desperate to be free of it.



When God touched me....He slowly filled that empty hole in my soul - that deep lonliness. He gave me friends, family - who cared...who believed in me....who challenged me to live my best life....But I fought them - pushed them away - It was so weird - what I wanted for so long, the thing I yearned for hurt more than the pain of not having it. 
     I had always dreamed it would feel so good but instead I felt this awful pain assoicated with people caring about me  - I put up walls....lots of walls. For a long time I 'knew' I wasn't worthy of their love, their care, their kindness. I thought if they really knew me they wouldn't stay - so I left and kept leaving.  
One day God whispered - Stay. Don't go. Push past the pain.  
Why did it have to hurt so much? I wanted to be belong so bad and yet I couldn't accept it for a long time. Even now , sometimes - I have to fight - to not pull away....to stay present.....To let people get close  - to let them stay.  
     I wonder how many people are really lonely - who know how to put on a front - a facade - know how to look good, but go home feeling lonely - empty - aching for someone to really care about them.......to be connected in a way that makes their life meaningful - filling the emptiness with excessive shopping, popping medications, working until they want to drop.......

     I never want to forget where I was.....how much it hurt.....I want my arm to always be extended....reaching out.....to make a difference and help others feel connected.




17 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, I cannot tell you how much this post has affected me!!!

Just reading where you have been which is where I am now, brings added hope to my situation!

Dear, I am so glad that God has brought you here to blog to us. To share your past and present struggles. But mainly to share your heart of compassion and love!! You have a gift!!

Thank you so very much!!! Blessings and hugs hugs hugs!

RCUBEs said...

We all long to be accepted...loved...And once we discover that true love from our Savior, everything seems to fall into its places. "Seek first His Kingdom and all these things will be given to you as well..." He is our joy, that perfect love that cast away the fears...Blessings to you sister and may you have a wonderful weekend!!!

Pete Hoge said...

Let us praise God for His
Presence though it does not
seep into our hearts as quickly
as we would like.

Pete.

Zan said...

Beautifully written, beautifully said. I have often wondered how to break down my walls, to let others see me, to be me in front of others. I find it a lot easier here online.. where I actually feel like I am me, but it is different in real life. Fighting not to push away. I hear you, I know that feeling.
Thank you for your beautiful words.

Denise said...

I praise God for leading me to your blog, you are precious.

Madison said...

Yes, you are so right. Lonely people are all around us. I pray that God gives us eyes to see them.

Analisa said...

Beautiful. I remember all the walls and when I read this I knew while I have God's love and I love him, I still have some walls. Your post took down some of the bricks.

God bless

VICKI IN AZ said...

Sarah,
You are so right. I am glad that you could put into word just how hard it is to let others care for you. I had these same struggles. YOU are a very good listener, God is using you my friend. xoxo

Susan said...

Wow! I really, really, really felt this post to the core of my being.
I'm still there sometimes. Wanting to let people in, and pushing them away at the same time.
You describe it so well.
Thank you for this post!!!

DreamDancer said...

I too felt this post to the very depths of my being. Thank you dear and blessings :)

Paula said...

Sarah, Dear One, your words touched me deeply and reminded me HOW lonely I was so many years ago. I still sometimes experience such times but not in that devastating soul-eating depth like before. I learn very cautuiosyl to extend my arm and share, to help others through. I feel so rich and grateful for LIFE.

Colleen said...

You write so well. That loneliness - that is how I felt growing up. We can feel lonely in the middle of a crowded room. I felt lonely surrounded by family. Because no one knew what I was going through. Great post.

nannykim said...

I think we all have walls....we just often don't realize it! I think the only time we won't is when we are in heaven and then we will be totally REAL. We have too many fears, and pride, etc that gets in the way now, and there is just to much unknown about the people that surround us...it takes trust and humility to be open and even then it can be difficult.

Shen said...

Wow, it sure sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm glad to hear you have come through to a better place, now.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Yet said...

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Andrea said...

Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and love!

I am glad your daughter liked the kat stephens song. I loved it when I heard it, too.

Blessings, andrea

Martha said...

WHOA, what an amazing testimony. You are such an uplifting part of my day, keep spreading the truth!!