Not Alone Anymore

"We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we would cease to grow....." Leo F. Buscaglia
All that time, living on the streets, fighting to survive....alone....
Lonliness hurts. It hurts so bad. That pain - in your gut - constantly there - reminding you no one  cares  - driving your behaviour - forcing you to seek relief in things that create more hurt, more pain. Lonliness - it never left - its intense hold - its powerful grip - gnawing away inside...

Lonliness that causes a pain so intense - the only relief you can think of is death. I remember that pain...those years - an emptiness so deep....a gut wrenching despair - connected to no one - feeling utterly worthless - not good enough. No one to care if I ate, or slept, or was sick or cold or scared....
Lonliness....It hurt so bad - I wanted relief - I wanted it to end - that agonizing pain - to just go away. 

Lonliness - is a disease. It eats away at you - steals your life - leaves you feeling hopeless - always craving - desperate to be free of it.



When God touched me....He slowly filled that empty hole in my soul - that deep lonliness. He gave me friends, family - who cared...who believed in me....who challenged me to live my best life....But I fought them - pushed them away - It was so weird - what I wanted for so long, the thing I yearned for hurt more than the pain of not having it. 
     I had always dreamed it would feel so good but instead I felt this awful pain assoicated with people caring about me  - I put up walls....lots of walls. For a long time I 'knew' I wasn't worthy of their love, their care, their kindness. I thought if they really knew me they wouldn't stay - so I left and kept leaving.  
One day God whispered - Stay. Don't go. Push past the pain.  
Why did it have to hurt so much? I wanted to be belong so bad and yet I couldn't accept it for a long time. Even now , sometimes - I have to fight - to not pull away....to stay present.....To let people get close  - to let them stay.  
     I wonder how many people are really lonely - who know how to put on a front - a facade - know how to look good, but go home feeling lonely - empty - aching for someone to really care about them.......to be connected in a way that makes their life meaningful - filling the emptiness with excessive shopping, popping medications, working until they want to drop.......

     I never want to forget where I was.....how much it hurt.....I want my arm to always be extended....reaching out.....to make a difference and help others feel connected.