Monday, October 26, 2009


"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." Oprah Winfrey

I'm restless - a lot of the time. I have tons of energy. I need to move - and keep moving. When I'm sitting too long - my mind wanders. I feel fidgety. Edgy. There's a strong intense surge of energy that builds inside me - a push to get up, to move, to do something. I try to fight it - I tell myself - hang in - focus - stay still - chill.

My mind drifts - wanders. I want to experience more right at that moment - I want to do something - anything - except sit and listen and wait...... I feel this driving need pulling at me - to get up, run, move - create -

Sometimes I wonder if that restlessness is from all the times I was forced to be still, to be silent - to wait.
The many times I was locked in the car - alone - for hours. Crouching in the back on the floor - not moving - afraid - praying no one would notice me - 

The many times I was pinned to the bed - for hours.....feeling smothered, trapped, desperate to get up.

The many times I sat still - listening to tapes of the rapist tell how he was the savior for the world....for hours.

Confined by the hospital - in a small room or tied to a bed - feeling like an amimal caught in a trap - for hours.....

Restlessness - I feel it in every fibre of my being. It's a feeling of being trapped, confined, held back......

Restlessness - it doesn't let up. It builds until I'm forced to do something to seek relief....I used to hit up, throw up, cut. I won't do that anymore. Now I run or bike or swim or write. 

Restlessness - this strong intense inner agitation. An angst to move - to be free.

Being physically active works for me. There are days when it's raining, or so cold I can't go out. Once, last winter, I felt so agitated - I needed to run, or move or do something. My 13 year old held out her hands to me. Let's run mom. I looked at her. Huh? She smiled. Take my hands. Let's run, on the spot. We did. It was tons of fun. Now we do it all the time challenging each other to see who tires first.

My kids have no idea what I lived. I won't tell them - not now - but they are in tune with my needs. And God uses them to help me. I'm so thankful that today I am free to move - free to experience life - free to live. And I'm trying to channel this restless energy into something positive - like writing to give others hope - 

It doesn't matter anymore what happened to me - it matters more how I use what happened.....I'm determined to use it for something good.


Denise said...

Amen, praise God. I am so happy to read this. "It doesn't matter anymore what happened to me - it matters more how I use what happened.....I'm determined to use it for something good." Sweetie, you are helping so many people, I love you.

Jennifer said...

I am inspired and hopeful when I read this work. I am thankful that you are using what happened to you for something good. I can relate to your experiences of feeling "trapped". I am so glad that I grew up and got away, but more so that I REALLY GREW...and now can ENJOY being grown up.

Thank you for your work.

Paula said...

You are so precious and you have given this to your daugther too. I cannot even imagine what you went through. I was wordless and hiding still to be not noticed. Hoping HE wouldnt notice me.... it has changed over the years. Silence and sitting still is not hiding anymore it is preciosu ME time. Somehow I turned this negative thing in something positive for me. I love our differences, the abundance of life, ways and emotions. I am so grateful that I hadnt given up on me to turn into loveing life and myself. Reading you, feeling you is like a mirror. Mill of hugs

Zan said...

I too have experienced this aggitation, the restlessness, the need to constantly keep moving. I am getting better at being still, just breathing for the moment.
I'm glad you have found your voice to talk, to write. I am glad you have survived!

Being Me said...

You have amazing strength, you are fully aware so you know you can and will overcome the past. My excessive restlessness is translated into excessive reading (I think it helped me block the noise). I've come to realise I need to take control of it. It's wonderful you have kids who understand. Glod bless you.

Andrea said...

Amen, Sweetie: What matters is how you use it. Isn't it amazing how GOD gives us just what we need...even through our kids. HE is awesome.

Today, I want to thank you for stumbling into my life through the blog world. I treasure your friendship. I feel as though I know you and yet we have never formally met. Thank you for being my bloggy friend.
Blessings, hugs, and prayers, andrea

Margie said...

You are truly amazing Sarah!
Thank you for sharing your heart!

When I might feel down I also get out there and walk ....I used to run but cannot now because of an knee injury.
I tell God of my troubles when I am out walking.

I wish you much joy, peace and love today!


Susan said...

once again, I soooo identify with your words. "feeling like an animal caught in a trap" I used to feel caged... less than human. It is such a desperate feeling.

Deborah Ann said...

I don't have the words...just know that many people care about you and treasure you. I feel privileged to enter this sorrow with you through your heartfelt words. Your writing will be an outlet for many people who have suffered in this world. You are loved, Sarah.

RCUBEs said...

I'm glad that you chose to write, and in doing so, you are able to vent out your frustrations, etc...and keep your mind busy whenever you feel like you're trapped. I'm happy for who you are today. I might not know you personally but I feel that oneness we all share from His
Spirit [thanks be to God]. Your positive outlook now continues to encourage many, including ME! God bless you always...and your family...

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, great post. Now, I know what you meant with your comment on mine. You are such an inspiration. I cannot say that enough! Blessings and hugs.

flying eagle woman said...

such an awesome post...praise God for our kids! your words left me breathless

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Kids can be very intuitive, even if they don't know details. It sounds like your kids really love you!

Prayer Girl said...

What a beautiful post. What a wonderful example of God's ability to bring good out of bad. You are a living example of how transformation can happen.

I know that your writing blesses others.

Love and prayers,

Lisa Marie said...

"Let's run mom."

So metaphorical.

Running gives you so much freedom. I am so glad you shared this with your daughter!

kberman said...

I've just discovered your blog and added you to my blogroll. I love finding great blogs and adding them by the category of our pain. You are truly amazing. Have you thought of doing some UTube and adding them to your site?

If you do, set up an area before you begin because everything shows up in the picture. I added one of Father Martin and the 12 steps to my post yesterday.

About your restlessness, I believe that is something waiting to be born--some new growth.

When we experience stress, our body doesn't know if it it is real or a memory. So you have these toxins that have to be burned off from the fight or flight syndrome. Exercise is the best cure. The more active you are, the quicker the birth will occur. And you want to get it all up and out.

Love, Kathy

kberman said...

Forgive me, I posted your link instead of mine. Kathy

JANICE said...

My Daughter has no idea all I have been threw ether, I lived my childhood over threw her to lol so I totally understand,
Hey a friend of mine is editing the manuscript what do i do next? help?
any help
Thank you for your time