Friday, October 30, 2009

Trust



"Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt. But that's not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing." Lance Armstrong
 
A friend hurt me. She hurt me really bad.She lied to me, told me things that weren't true - hooked me in emotionally - told me things that sounded right - told me what my heart wanted to believe. Another friend told me - don't trust what she's saying - I thought that friend was wrong; she didn't know her like I did. I thought I knew better.

I should have listened but I lived on her words - I trusted. Something in me needed to believe.

I teach my girls to listen to their gut - to trust their inner sense - to be in tune with that inner feeling of something being right or wrong in spite of what they physically see - I teach my kids - but I still can't figure it out all the time. I feel that check  - that hesitation, yet I move forward anyways.

Trust - not everyone is trustworthy. I want to believe they are.
Trust - when I lived on the street, when I fought through crazy situations I trusted people who hurt me - I wanted to believe they were honest - that their words were true. I wanted to believe that so badly I ignored that gut feeling as being nothing.  But when they hurt me, I hurt myself. Their lies cut deep - their actions stirred all the self-hatred - It caused me to lash out at myself - cutting, throwing up, shooting up. Their actions fueled my self-hatred -  intensifying it until it had a life of its own.

I had always thought it was me who was wrong, - I had always thought it was me who made them lie and hurt me. And I hated myself for trusting them, for believing the sweetness of their words......the kindness of their actions - never realizing there was a cost to pay.

I went running in the woods today - to release that build up of self-hatred - Then I reached out to that friend. I don't want to run. I really want to believe the best.....Misunderstandings - silence - forgiveness.

23 comments:

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

It's really hard to trust people, especially after you've been hurt. You show incredible courage, Sarah!

Have a great weekend!

Denise said...

Keep reaching out my courageous friend, I am very proud of you.

Susan said...

I'm sorry you were hurt by this person. It is so hard when we finally let someone close enough to see the real us... and then they betray us.
I totally understand what you mean about listening to your gut. But I am currently in a situation where a friend ended a relationship with me because "her gut" says I'm dishonest or something. I think she is seeing me through the filter of everyone else who has ever betrayed her.
So sometimes it is hard to know what is really gut instinct, and what is just self-preservation, and lack of trust in general.
(((hugs))) I'm sorry you're hurting. You've said to me before, "I'm in your corner". Well, I'm in yours too!

Just Be Real said...

My dear Sarah, I am so very sorry that you were betrayed. The sting of betrayal is very painful, I do know!!

Glad you are moving forward despite the pain. Unfortunately, this is all part of our recovery. Part of us "BEING REAL" when others cannot handle our realness or be real themselves. Somehow they feel threaten, cannot relate many times.

You are one courageous woman!!

Much ((((Sarah))))!!!!!!

Zan said...

Trust, not an easy thing.
I don't trust many. some of the ppl I trusted burnt me badly. Some of the people I trusted ignored me or was more concerned with themselves and their issues. Some of the people I trusted used it against me.
I've come to learn, that not all is what it seems. That you can not trust everything that ppl tell you. Eventually the truth comes out.
Now I choose my friends carefully and the ones that I have in my life now, they've got my back and they wont hurt me.
Keep reaching out but mind yourself along the way.
Big hugs!

Pete Hoge said...

I find it hard to focus
in on intuition sometimes.

We have to forgive ourselves
to live sober.

Pete.

Kay said...

ugh....is it not in our own errors of judgement that we learn from? that place you describe is not a pleasant one to stay in, finding a new way, a new place, so much better and what a way to learn. from experience.

Dean Corso said...

when I think about people, and specially close ones who betrayed me, among all comes into my head, I think of Jesus. He was betrayed by one of his close colleagues right? So what he did? He forgave him? But I'm not Jesus! How can I forgive those who used my trust and hurt me?

The hard part is always right here. The moment you want to decide about that person.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

You are Strong. Nothing else matters.

Dean

RCUBEs said...

I've gone through so many relationships where I just trusted and loved them all without hypocrisy, only to be hurt in the end. It's still not easy for me to trust as easily like I used to. But I am thankful that I can trust on Someone Who doesn't change forever and Who accepts me the way I am. It must have hurt you so to discover those lies. May God protect you sister and it's His love that flows through you that will give you the guidance you need to make your decisions. God bless you and have a great weekend.

Paula said...

Dear One, you know how much I can relate and I am so very sorry for the hurt you went through and so very proud of you and not running either. Mill of hugs. Love, Paula

DreamDancer said...

I deeply understand the pain of being betrayed by those we place our trust in. It hurts very deeply and makes us cautious about repeating the same mistake. I've also gone against my gut instinct, and paid dearly for it. It is a learning process... we learn to depend on our instincts, we learn to eventually overcome the pain, and we learn to sometimes forgive, and move forward. You were brave to reach out to that friend... and probably felt better about yourself, knowing you could handle forgiveness. Bless you, dear one.

Janice said...

Can I ask how you published your book?
I understand about trusting a friend
she ended up having an afar with my husband every one told me not to trust her

Robin said...

I too have been hurt by friends I have trusted believing it was me. It is in Christ I can find healing and the ability to forgive them and my self. The key is to keep trusting even if in the end we get hurt, love always believes the best.

Such a paradox! Something that is completely foreign and from another world. Faith, Hope, and Love.

Sarah keep running this race well even when it takes your breath away!

Epiphany said...

I have too been hurt by a friend just over a year ago. Sometimes it still stings. I completely misjudged someone.

It's hard - we need to let people in but we need to protect ourselves too.

I find these days I have fewer friends but more close friendships. My friends understand you get ALL of me in a friendship, the good and the bad. I offer the same in return.

Terri Tiffany said...

It doesn't matter our background or circumstances--people are always going to let us down. We are always going to get hurt. Thank you Lord that we can depend on Him not to!

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
So sorry for the hurt you experienced. I am like you. I tend to bee too trusting. I am learning more discernment, too.
Blessings and safe Hugs,
Tammy

Being Me said...

The most faithful friend you have is the Lord, let him guide you.
God Bless
BM

Colleen said...

Trust is so hard. Sometimes all we can do is go for it, and know that if it doesn't work, it has everything to do with the one who betrayed us and nothing to do with us. You did nothing wrong. You wanted to believe in this person and you did. Takes courage.
Peace.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

If we trust people, we will occasionally get hurt. The alternative -- not to trust anyone -- in my book, is worse than occasionally being let down by those not worthy of our trust.

Jane said...

This is something I've been asking myself lately, to trust or not to trust, which is better? How can we love if we don't trust? If we love and trust, we're making ourselves vulnerable. Christ loves and sacrified Himself for us... If He counts His cost, He wouldn't go to the cross, for people like us? We've to count our costs when we minister to others, and not be naive to think that people will never fail us. And we fail others too... We can never be perfect even with our best intentions, we all fail people once in a while, as others fail us too. But God never gives us up, and I feel we'll just have to learn to trust God and His leadings whatever the outcome.

Marj aka Thriver said...

This is such a huge survivor issue. I find that I don't even trust myself so much of the time. I'm working on that--forgiving myself, standing up for myself, keeping my own promises to myself.

Thank you for your honest sharing here. And thanks for coming around and reading and commenting on posts for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I hope you can join us with a post next month.

ame said...

I'm a person who can trust people very easy. I often get problem because of it LOL

I like your article ! Keep posting !

Angie said...

I know what it's like to be deceived by someone you thought you could trust. I remember later feeling so ashamed and stupid, like I should have known better. Only, I had to forgive myself, because it was eating me up. God showed me that we are apart of a long line of people who are deceived, because satan is the one who is really behind the deception, and he's good at what he does, he's the father of all lies. Just like Eve was tricked into believing a lie in the Garden, we are sometimes tricked into believing a lie that condemns us, makes us feel inadequate, self-loathing, insecure. That's why God said in His Word, "be transformed by the renewing of your mind", we exchange our nasty thinking with what God has to say about us. I know it's easier said than done, but I will pray that you will be able to cast down every thought that isn't true, and you'll have discernment to know the difference between those who you can trust, and those who would try to do you harm. I pray blessings and freedom over your life in the name of Jesus!