"Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt. But that's not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing." Lance Armstrong
A friend hurt me. She hurt me really bad.She lied to me, told me things that weren't true - hooked me in emotionally - told me things that sounded right - told me what my heart wanted to believe. Another friend told me - don't trust what she's saying - I thought that friend was wrong; she didn't know her like I did. I thought I knew better.
I should have listened but I lived on her words - I trusted. Something in me needed to believe.
I teach my girls to listen to their gut - to trust their inner sense - to be in tune with that inner feeling of something being right or wrong in spite of what they physically see - I teach my kids - but I still can't figure it out all the time. I feel that check - that hesitation, yet I move forward anyways.
Trust - not everyone is trustworthy. I want to believe they are.
Trust - when I lived on the street, when I fought through crazy situations I trusted people who hurt me - I wanted to believe they were honest - that their words were true. I wanted to believe that so badly I ignored that gut feeling as being nothing. But when they hurt me, I hurt myself. Their lies cut deep - their actions stirred all the self-hatred - It caused me to lash out at myself - cutting, throwing up, shooting up. Their actions fueled my self-hatred - intensifying it until it had a life of its own.
I had always thought it was me who was wrong, - I had always thought it was me who made them lie and hurt me. And I hated myself for trusting them, for believing the sweetness of their words......the kindness of their actions - never realizing there was a cost to pay.
I went running in the woods today - to release that build up of self-hatred - Then I reached out to that friend. I don't want to run. I really want to believe the best.....Misunderstandings - silence - forgiveness.