Sunday, November 1, 2009

Letting go and A Plug for a Friend

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.  One is roots.  The other is wings." ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

My 13 year old came home from school and handed me a form. "Can you fill it out, Mom. I want to go on the trip." Trip? What trip? "Next June 2010 - our school is going to........" I looked at the face of my child. Her sweet smile, her innocent face. She wanted to go. Her friends were going. She didn't want to be left out.

The words, of course you can go came out of my mouth, but in my heart I heard another voice, no, don't ask me that. You can't go. Something might happen to you. Something awful. I won't let you go.
I'm afraid - afraid to let her go. She'll be 14 next June. How could I say no. How could I deny her the right to experience her life.

I'm hoping they don't get enough kids and have to cancel - I'm hoping because I'm afraid - afraid of losing her, afraid of what can happen...... Images dance in my head - images of terrible things - I feel the panic - I won't be close enough to help her, to protect her - to keep her safe.

I never want her to feel fear, or experience being trapped like I did. I never want her to look into the eyes of a madman, a rapist, a crazed person and feel terror. I never want her to be held against her will - humiliated -shamed....fighting for her life....fighting to survive.  Everything inside me is praying; My sweet girl - please don't go. I know I'm praying the wrong thing. I need to pray protection over her and I will - but my instincts to protect her, to not let happen to her what happened to me takes over.

I survived horrible things. I know that now. I didn't always know it. I had always believed it was me that caused everything to happen -somehow I had brought it on......something about me made it happen.....
It's been a long fight to find my way back home to myself. I've become strong. Yet if something like what happened to me, happens to one of my girls - I won't be able to live. I won't be able to fight. The thought of them scared, terrified, hurting makes me crazy. I just want to hold onto my daughter and never let her go. But I also don't want to make her afraid of life - I can't transfer my fears onto her -

I am so afraid - afraid of letting her go. I'm trying to remember the opposite of fear is faith. Letting go and trusting God to keep her safe - to bring her home....to not let anything bad happen to her..the trip is almost a year away. For today -for right now - I don't have to think about her going. For today - I have time to learn to let go, to trust, to move from fear of what happened to me - to faith it won't happen to her.


Madison from Addiction -in God We Trust - was getting a lot of Spam because of the word addiciton in the heading. Her writing is amazing, detailing her journey from a parent's perspective. Her new blog is up and running. Check it out or if you are a Madison fan, want to read some awesome stuff from the heart of a parent and didn't know she moved......Here's the link. 
http://fight-of-your-life.blogspot.com/

18 comments:

Madison said...

Sarah, thank you for mentioning my blog. You know sometimes that fear is valid. Don't be afraid to check out the details of trip. One of my daughters flew to NY on a school trip. The subway doors closed before she hopped on with her class. As a 9th grader, she was left in NY to fend for herself while her class and all teachers sped off. No cell phones.

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Sounds like you're a good mom and want the best for your daughter. The good news is that if this trip happens, you have a couple months to get used to the idea. I know it must be hard letting go, but you're so right--she won't be alone. Her Father will be with her every step of the way.

Just Be Real said...

Sarah dear,

You are such a caring and compassionate woman/mother, it is only natural that you want to protect your child. Especially, with what you have gone through.

Dear one you have a year until this trip, and within that years time, I am sure there will be other things that your daughter will bring to your attention that she wants to do too that you may fear.

As you know, God is with us every step of the way and He does NOT want us to live in the fear. But, I certainly understand your concerns.

Blessings and hugs to you dear.

Amy De Trempe said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have struggled with this with each of my children. I thought once I got through it with the first child it would be easier with the second and third. It is not. You are a good mom and all of these worries are normal. Completely normal. Just remember that God is with her even when you can't be.

Zan said...

Sarah, I think your reaction is very natural. When it comes to our children we'd do anything to protect them. You have quite some time to prepare yourself though, perhaps make it easier by setting some rules i.e call every evening at a set time, call every morning etc.
I can totally understand your fears and I am really sorry you have to struggle with such fears!
(((hugs)))
p.s I think you are doing really well both with your emotional journey and your parental one!

DreamDancer said...

I felt that way when my daughters were younger. In the back of my mind, I feared they would have to face the horrible things that once happened to me. Yet I knew I had to allow them to experience life and part of that was believing that it would all be okay. I understand your hesitation, and I agree with Madison...check things out and set limits. Peace be with you.

Paula said...

Sarah, I join the choir of the others. You have a year time to prepare. You are fab - in your journey and as mother. Wish I could give you plenty of hugs.

Colleen said...

Sarah, oh I had to fight so much to not be overprotective. I have 2 boys. It was not easy. Trying to find that happy medium. Keeping them safe and letting them grow. I love the quote at the beginning of this post. I always felt that was important. Obviously you do too. So you will do fine. One day at a time. Roots and wings. Hugs!

Jennifer said...

I know that anxiety...my therapist taught my husband and I for me to check myself...is this my stuff or a REAL inclination I'm getting. It is tough to know the difference when you've faced abuse. It is a fine line.

RCUBEs said...

I think because we know how violent this world can be, that it is hard to let go of our children on their own. Like what you said from your previous post, you tell your kids to always go with their "gut feelings". I think that it is one way that the Lord helps us to have discernment. You, being a great, loving and protective mom, just wants the best interest for your child. I pray for the Lord to give your child discernment. I always pray for His discernment to cover my teenage son. And hard as it is sometimes to let them go, it is His wonderful promise that allays my fears. I always have my son meditate on Proverbs 3:5,6 because His ways are higher than ours, His thoughts are higher than ours. His perfect love will cast away whatever fears that try to paralyze you...God bless you sister and have a wonderful week.

Lisa Marie said...

You are allowed to be afraid. I'd be worried that you were in denial if you weren't afraid. That being said, you know everything that comes with letting the fear take over. You can and will find the faith to let her go; let her experience life with the innocence and joy that one was meant to at that age. You will let her experience what was taken from you.

Being Me said...

We all have fears for our children, I can understand why is it is harder for you. We know we have to let them go at some point and hope that we have guided them sufficiently and hope also in HIM to protect them when they are out there. Trust in God.
BM

Peter Stone said...

It is hard watching our children enter the world outside, especially when we have been hurt. But God gives us wisdom, and He also shows us the difference between His wisdom and the things we fear may happen.

A verse that I pray everyday, and that comforts me everyday, is John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."

Sometimes it is so hard for me to do this, but when I let go and believe I receive so much relief.

God bless.

Deborah Ann said...

Everyday I plead the blood of Jesus over my children. It's a scary world, and it takes a great amount of trust in God to send our little ones out there. One thing that gives me comfort is knowing that God designed each person knowing exactly what battles they would be facing. He knows...And His grace is enough. No, it's more than enough. Thank you Jesus!

Wanda's Wings said...

It a good thing that you have fear for your child. This means you are a concerned Mom. Sometimes we have to let go a little bit. Check things out and know it is a safe trip.

SarahA said...

My Daughter 16 and I still feel such.Even when she is 40 (and if I'm still around)I will still be feeling such. I know. We would not be Mothers if we didn't, I am thinking.

Denise said...

You are a good, caring mom.

Jensmere said...

Sweet Sarah,
I will add my voice to those above...
God is able! Nothing is impossible with God!
Take each new day and pray the protection of Jesus' shed blood over all those you love. As you do, your fears will begin to normalize from panic to trust...trust in the enourmous safety of life in Christ.

I know this fear and anxiety...my daughter was a victim. However, she is not a victim anymore...through the healing power of Christ she is whole and well. What was intended for harm, has become glorious victory in her life.

We all can succumb to fear...instead I am joining my heart to yours to pray for peace, the peace of God which GUARDS our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Bless you,dear one...( if you want to continue this thread, I will happily walk with you! just email me!)
Susan