"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings." ~Hodding Carter, Jr.
My 13 year old came home from school and handed me a form. "Can you fill it out, Mom. I want to go on the trip." Trip? What trip? "Next June 2010 - our school is going to........" I looked at the face of my child. Her sweet smile, her innocent face. She wanted to go. Her friends were going. She didn't want to be left out.
The words, of course you can go came out of my mouth, but in my heart I heard another voice, no, don't ask me that. You can't go. Something might happen to you. Something awful. I won't let you go.
I'm afraid - afraid to let her go. She'll be 14 next June. How could I say no. How could I deny her the right to experience her life.
I'm hoping they don't get enough kids and have to cancel - I'm hoping because I'm afraid - afraid of losing her, afraid of what can happen...... Images dance in my head - images of terrible things - I feel the panic - I won't be close enough to help her, to protect her - to keep her safe.
I never want her to feel fear, or experience being trapped like I did. I never want her to look into the eyes of a madman, a rapist, a crazed person and feel terror. I never want her to be held against her will - humiliated -shamed....fighting for her life....fighting to survive. Everything inside me is praying; My sweet girl - please don't go. I know I'm praying the wrong thing. I need to pray protection over her and I will - but my instincts to protect her, to not let happen to her what happened to me takes over.
I survived horrible things. I know that now. I didn't always know it. I had always believed it was me that caused everything to happen -somehow I had brought it on......something about me made it happen.....
It's been a long fight to find my way back home to myself. I've become strong. Yet if something like what happened to me, happens to one of my girls - I won't be able to live. I won't be able to fight. The thought of them scared, terrified, hurting makes me crazy. I just want to hold onto my daughter and never let her go. But I also don't want to make her afraid of life - I can't transfer my fears onto her -
I am so afraid - afraid of letting her go. I'm trying to remember the opposite of fear is faith. Letting go and trusting God to keep her safe - to bring her home....to not let anything bad happen to her..the trip is almost a year away. For today -for right now - I don't have to think about her going. For today - I have time to learn to let go, to trust, to move from fear of what happened to me - to faith it won't happen to her.
Madison from Addiction -in God We Trust - was getting a lot of Spam because of the word addiciton in the heading. Her writing is amazing, detailing her journey from a parent's perspective. Her new blog is up and running. Check it out or if you are a Madison fan, want to read some awesome stuff from the heart of a parent and didn't know she moved......Here's the link.