Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Braver than you Think

An older post revisited. 

"Promise me you'll always remember; you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A.A.Milne - Christopher Robin to Pooh

I remember being really stoned. My eyes had gone all weird and I couldn't focus. I felt off balance, dizzy and separate from myself. Almost like I was on the outside looking in. I was having problems walking. I had no idea where I was, how I got there or how to get out and go home. I remember falling, crashing into a wall and hitting my head. Some old lady popped out and started screaming at me. I had no idea what she was saying. Then the sound of sirens and the ambulance....... Life was a constant crisis. Constant chaos.
I kept saying I wanted it all to stop. I wanted it to be normal. I didn't want to do the drugs. At least that's what I said and even as I said it, I was shooting up and ripping my arms open with razor blades and jagged rocks. Even as I said it, I threw up if I ate even a small bite of something. In my mind, I wasn't allowed to be free. I wasn't worthy. No amount of wanting or needing made a difference. No threats from any authority could bring about the freedom I said I wanted.
I needed to stay high. I needed to hurt myself. I needed to throw up. I needed to not feel or think. Especially to not think. The images of what happened tortured me. Anything to numb out from feeling the terror, the shame, the pain - I needed that more. And then God touched me. He broke through the torment in my head, in my soul - He took away the 14 year drug addiction. The memories though, the pain and shame and feelings of extreme worthlessness - they were still there. I continued to throw up and hurt myself. I still needed to numb out.
I felt guilty. I wondered if God would kill me because I was destroying myself. I screamed at Him to do it already. I dared Him to take my life, but He wouldn't. Years went by. I lived two lives. I looked ok. People thought I was fun, happy, Christian. I wasn't. When people said, God is in control, I knew my life was completely out of control.
I started writing. Then running. In the woods, alone - He whispered to me. 'Face the pain. Don't run from it.' I never wanted to face it. I never wanted to admit it. I couldn't. To admit it meant it happened. I didn't want to believe it happened. But it did.
All I know - God is my strength - my anchor for freedom. The one thing in my life that gives me the courage to do what I otherwise can't. He brought me to the point of being ready to confront what I never could. He allowed me to use the cutting, the throwing up, the hiding to stay alive. Cause that's what it did. It kept me alive. It helped me survive until I was ready to face what happened.
All I know -is in His presence, I feel at peace. In the woods I feel His gentle touch and hear His whispers of comfort and there I gain the courage to come home and not use things that hurt me.
I want to make a difference. I want what I lived to help someone else find their freedom. Maybe that's why God let me live.

17 comments:

RCUBEs said...

God does work in mysterious ways. No matter how we make plans in our lives, He truly directs our steps. There is no kind of pain that Jesus never endured. I'm not belittling the pain you had gone through. But we all go through different kinds of pain...I'm just so glad that there is Someone Who had been there and truly understands what we all go through. And He is willing to save and reach out to all of us. Keep writing sister...Because He is using you, that is...only if you are willing...To God be the glory. And have a great day to you. May God bless you and continue to guide you and protect you. Thankful here to stumble upon your site and be encouraged always.

Lindsey @ A New Life said...

That pain is what bring us closer to God, when we are at our most defenseless and shattered. I'll be praying over your journey of healing and seeking God.

He loves you, and has a plan for your story...really His story.

Blessings to you today,
Lindsey

Susan said...

Reading this made a difference to me today. Thank you. (((Hugs)))

Gin said...

I can only imagine the amount of people that you are helping with these post...including me!

Just Be Real said...

Precious Sarah, you ARE making a difference in many lives!!! NO doubt about that.

God spoke truth to you that day with....'Face the pain. Don't run from it.' I am still learning to do that too. So, I appreciate this encouraging re-post!

Blessings and hugs....

Denise said...

Believe me, you are making a beautiful difference right now sweetie.

Cinnamon said...

Hi Sarah:
Keep up the good fight! Don't give up. Keep writing and confront your fears and pain. Let God be your strength and comfort.

Pete Hoge said...

He raised us to raise others.

Pete.

Marj aka Thriver said...

That message of "face the pain" is so huge for healing. I'm so glad you listened. By telling your story--even when it's so painful--you ARE making a difference. Your finding meaning for what you lived through DOES help others. Bless you!

Janice said...

Yep your are, you have something at my blog

Paula said...

DEar Sarah, having had a very stressful week I wasnt around that much and I will come back on teh weekend to read again with a clear mind and a heart not tired. You deserve that Iam really available. Hugs to you

ame said...

You have beautiful post there :) Years ago when pain is the title of my life I just think, "This is the way of God to make me to become a sharp arrow". I forgot which verse I read that. But that is my favourite when something bad come

imaginenamaste said...

I just wanted to tell you that your post is so incredibly powerful.

Journaling Woman said...

Inspiring.

Wanda's Wings said...

How powerful.

Colleen said...

Hugs and blessings.

Angela said...

I remember when someone asked me how I could deal with all the pain and abuse that I experienced in my life, what was the purpose in all of it?

There came a time in my life that I realized that God was not going to waste all that pain, that sorrow, that hurt..that He would turn it around, that what happened to me, would come to be an instrument that would set other captives free.

Making beauty out of the ashes my life had become, turning my mourning into gladness.

The statement of' it helped me survive until I was ready to face what happened' spoke volumes to me...