Saturday, November 7, 2009

Living Free


"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I'm with you kid, Let's go." 
Maya Angelou

My nine yr. old does everything with passion. She makes everything look so awesome. When she eats - it's with gusto, savoring each bite as if it were her last. When she sleeps, she makes her bed look so cozy that I just want to crawl in beside her. And when she laughs, her face completely lights up and her whole body laughs with her......

She's also my kid who finds $10 bills on the ground in the supermarket, and spots trinkets and treasures no one else notices. Hiking through the woods, she's the one who shouts with glee, don't step on the frogs. Frogs? What frogs? She points. There in the brush - almost invisable  - tiny frogs....

Life through my nine yr. old's eyes is rich, exciting, nothing to be missed, everything to be enjoyed. I love that. I love watching her....I love being a part of her world...of her discoveries....every experience an exciting adventure....

Living life with enthusiasm...living life as if everything is a miracle...a fresh new experience..full of wonder, full of joy.

I've spent most of my life living the opposite - moving cautiously - fearful -trying hard to be invisible - believing I had no right to exist, no right to live - no right to the wonders and thrills life offers. I've tried to live without being seen, or heard.......

My daughter has never been abused, never beaten, never called names, never left alone for hours, never criticized, never shamed.......My nine year old is teaching me how we're supposed to live our lives. Free. Full of joy. Excited.

I want to live like my nine year old - looking at life with fresh eyes - I'm discovering some of that freedom as I 'voice' what happened - all those horrible things - the years spent wondering if death would be better than life....

I survived. I survived for a reason. I survived to tell - I survived to live free - to not be afraid anymore. There are days I feel like my nine year - days when just smelling the earth feels better than anything - or feeling so energized that I need to dance around the house with the girls or belt out songs that my neighbours can hear me singing.....

When I think of where I was, how dark life had been, how empty and painful - and then I think of where I am now - I'm stunned at the transformation - I remember standing on the rooftop ready to jump to my death - or sitting in that fire not even trying to get out - or the many drug overdoses, or being held and raped thinking I would die in that house.....how did I survive?  I don't know. I have no idea - but I did survive.

Somehow He saw worth where I saw none. Somehow He knew.... I want to live like my 9 yr. old. He's given me a 2nd chance - a chance to live my life with passion - to live each day of my life as if it were my last.

30 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Once again dear Sarah, such an encouraging post.

I am right there with you with desiring to live a care-free life of a nine year old. It is wonderful that you have a daughter that is so free. Yes, your story continues to be told. You are such a true inspiration. I desire just want you want, to live with such a passion it will be totally awesome!!!

Thank you so much for sharing this post this day!!! I absolutely needed to read and experience in your words your excitement.

Blessings and much hugs...

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
Your post was so inspirational. I absolutely, totally, say AMEN! I want to be joyful, spontaneous, passionate, and live like your nine year old. Thank you so much for encouraging me. I feel like people are always running after me with fire extinquishers to put out my fire and joy. I am going to be "unapologetically free". If people don't accept me, I will dust my feet off and go to the next person. I am so excited for your freedom! We praise you God for showing us all through children how to "live free!"
Blessings,
Tammy

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Sounds like your nine-year-old has an incredible eye for detail.

That's what Jesus did--he came to bring us life, and life more abundant. Sounds like he's using your child to teach you how. Have a great weekend!

Madison said...

Your daughter's innocence and trust is a lesson for all of us. But, the lessons you've learned can help her when she faces the brunt of stresses that will descend on her as she hits middle school and high school. Hold her tight. I think we should all follow her example this weekend and live free, trusting God. Beautiful post.

De Lly Dilettante said...

Thank you for sharing. I am encouraged. To live free is a blessing. To not care about what others impose or what others so easily pass judgement on. I wish for this freedom.

Janice said...

I want to be free someday free to be me.

Pete Hoge said...

I find that inspiring;

"He sees worth we we see none"

Pete.

Denise said...

You truly inspire.

Wanda's Wings said...

How beautifully inspiring.

Wylie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charlotte said...

Wow! What a powerful testimony. I'm so happy for you and your beautiful daughter and for all the joy she brings to you.
Blessings,
Charlotte

Terri Tiffany said...

Awesome how you see that freedom in your daughter, knowing it is yours to have too!!

RCUBEs said...

So glad that you see that freedom being enjoyed by your loving daughters. Even more glad that you found the freedom that comes from Christ. Blessings to you sister. "Stay strong" :)

Paula said...

Sarah, I loved this post for various reason. For you surviving, recovering and giving a child such freedom to grow. Your awareness in refelcting and what we have lost in childhood. reading your passion about your kids passion made me smile, you regained some of it already. You have come such a long way. You can be very porud of yourself. Reading the post reminded me of this little girl who wordlessly was hdiing in the corner for yeras, trying to make herself invisible. I still struggle but like you I got some of my passion back. Love you

Jean Stockdale said...

Thank you for sharing your journey with the Lord. Your ability to share with transparency tears away the black curtain of secrets and proves the powr of God to change a life! Praise God.

Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment.

I too am so grateful that, though I was once lost in transgressions and sin, God was rich in mercy and grace. He drew me out of my pit of sin, redeemed me from the marketplace of sin, ransomed me, reconciled me, and restored me-placing me in the body of Christ, seated me in Him in the heavenly places, and sealed my eternal destination in heaven with Him and all the redeemed forever and ever.

I once was BLIND but now I SEE. AMEN!!

And by the way, we would love to have you join in our online Bible study for MOMS. CHeck it out at
http://highsteppinginheavenlyplaces.wordpress.com/. Blessings.

Deborah Ann said...

Ahhh...your daughter knows the goodness of God! I know people like that, people who spot quarters in the dirt and blessings in the dark. She is blessed!

Dean Corso said...

We never return to those years but your emotions and actions, still have the opportunity to set in motion like you are 9 again.
And thanks for your comment.
Dean

Prayer Girl said...

What a beautiful gift God gave you in your 9 year old daughter. Enjoy each sweet moment as purely as possible.

I have so many wonderful memories of my children. Though my daughter is now 28 we still create beautiful memories - and we do that through good and not-so-good circumstances.

Love is so powerful.

Love and prayers for you,
PG

Susan Deborah said...

A very insightful post. You continue to inspire all of us through this blog and I so look forward to reading your posts.

Am so happy that you child is blessed with an eye for detail. thats how childhood is supposed to be. God richly bless the mother as well the daughter and make you a mighty generation.

Joy always,
Susan

Zan said...

Sarah this is so beautiful. :)
I can relate to so much of what you write. I often look at my 7 year old and I feel such joy for her sake because she is so happy and she sees everything, she hears everything and she takes great pleasure in the small things.
your words are so powerful.
xx

Susan Winters said...

Hi, Sarah. Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment. It was my first one!'

After I left home and began seeing a psychiatrist, he suggested I have a child so I could relearn how to live joyfully. It sounded like a good idea but I knew I was way too damaged at the time to be a good mother. Since my role model for frustration had always been violence, I declined to pass it on to a child of mine. Years later, when I was passed those learned instincts, I felt I was too old to raise a child.

I'm so happy that you are able to get back in touch with your innocence and joy with your 9 year old. I was that age when I was first raped. I still can't look a 9 year old in the eyes. It's like a window that will never close.

Susan Winters

Mary said...

Sarah, what joy to see you experiencing the healing, the freedom God gives. What a treasure God has given you in your daughter.

Hugs,
Mary

Colleen said...

Powerful post. I want to live too, not just survive. I learned a lot about living from my children too. Life and love is what they taught me.

Lisa Marie said...

Your 9 year old is teaching you how to see the magic in things. The magic you missed by living in fear the way you did. I am so glad you have your eyes open to this!

Peter Stone said...

Wonderful post, you show so much hope, so much freedom, and a future in Christ. That you are living now, through your wonderful daughter, what you missed.
Isn't it wonderful how Jesus brings healing into our lives, from watching our children have what we did not. I see my two children growing, laughing, innocent. I see them sleeping peacefully, knowing they are appreciated, and sometimes I just feel like weeping, a mix of sorrow and joy. But I too rejoice that Jesus does bring restoration, He does breathe smoldering wicks like me back to life.
God bless

kberman said...

I remember realizing that the greatest gift I had given my daughter is that she never remembers my drinking. I quit when she was 5 and that was 32+ years ago.
Thank you for your writing. I know that you are touching many hearts.
I have need of reparenting links at
kathyberman.com.

They call me "Deb" said...

I read once where we may give life to our children - but in doing so, they give to us 'life'.
Your nine year old sounds like she's enjoying every minute of life!! She's experiencing all that God wishes us all to enjoy. What a God huh?

flying eagle woman said...

yes...our God is an awesome God!!! Blessings to you sister and I left a small gift for you on my page!

HUGS

Hilario Abad said...

You are wonderful. I'm happy to read your blog.

I really want to grow up in faith.

Angela said...

Somehow He saw worth where I saw none.

I still stand in awe over this for my own life...