Touching Life

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." Sissy Spacek

I was sick. I think I had the flu or something.  My father pulled me to the table....demanded I eat. Shoving his fist in my face - he threatened if I didn't eat he would force the food down my throat. I took a bite....then threw up. He didn't care. He swore...pushed more food at me.....demanding I eat it. I tried...I couldn't keep it down.. Later.....hiding in my closet - in the dark - I bit my arms until my teeth left indents...and my arms bled.

I think eating and food are metahpors for life and living. Food - it  nourishes the body, keeps you alive...some of my friends  talk about food and eating as pleasurable experiences....they go into great details about textures, tastes...what they love, don't like....baking, cooking, tasting - speaking in animated excited tones...

Food - eating....touching life. Sometimes I still walk around feeling I have no right to touch life...to use things....things that are supposed to bring pleasure...things that are meant for enjoyment. Sometimes I still feel like an intruder....sneaking around a house I've broken into. It's a strange sensation....a sense of not being allowed to really be part of life.

I eat the same things everyday. eggs, popcorn - cereal - something in me still can't let myself touch, feel, experience the pleasures of life. There's a part of me that still believes I don't deserve what others enjoy. Somewhere deep inside - I still think I have no right to life. - It's not the way I used to believe. I used to think I had no right to exist at all.  I don't feel that anymore - I just need to know inside that' it's ok to touch, to feel, to experience life in its fullness. 

I want to feel what my friends feel. I want to touch life as life is meant to be lived. I am really connected when running in the woods  - but it's too cold outside. And my body is always physicially cold. My friends tell me it's because I don't eat the right things. 

Touching life - feeling it's warmth - that's what I want.

Living Free

"Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: I'm with you kid, Let's go." 

Maya Angelou

My nine yr. old does everything with passion. She makes everything look so awesome. When she eats - it's with gusto, savoring each bite as if it were her last. When she sleeps, she makes her bed look so cozy that I just want to crawl in beside her. And when she laughs, her face completely lights up and her whole body laughs with her......

She's also my kid who finds $10 bills on the ground in the supermarket, and spots trinkets and treasures no one else notices. Hiking through the woods, she's the one who shouts with glee, don't step on the frogs. Frogs? What frogs? She points. There in the brush - almost invisable  - tiny frogs....

Life through my nine yr. old's eyes is rich, exciting, nothing to be missed, everything to be enjoyed. I love that. I love watching her....I love being a part of her world...of her discoveries....every experience an exciting adventure....

Living life with enthusiasm...living life as if everything is a miracle...a fresh new experience..full of wonder, full of joy.

I've spent most of my life living the opposite - moving cautiously - fearful -trying hard to be invisible - believing I had no right to exist, no right to live - no right to the wonders and thrills life offers. I've tried to live without being seen, or heard.......

My daughter has never been abused, never beaten, never called names, never left alone for hours, never criticized, never shamed.......My nine year old is teaching me how we're supposed to live our lives. Free. Full of joy. Excited.

I want to live like my nine year old - looking at life with fresh eyes - I'm discovering some of that freedom as I 'voice' what happened - all those horrible things - the years spent wondering if death would be better than life....

I survived. I survived for a reason. I survived to tell - I survived to live free - to not be afraid anymore. There are days I feel like my nine year - days when just smelling the earth feels better than anything - or feeling so energized that I need to dance around the house with the girls or belt out songs that my neighbours can hear me singing.....

When I think of where I was, how dark life had been, how empty and painful - and then I think of where I am now - I'm stunned at the transformation - I remember standing on the rooftop ready to jump to my death - or sitting in that fire not even trying to get out - or the many drug overdoses, or being held and raped thinking I would die in that house.....how did I survive?  I don't know. I have no idea - but I did survive.

Somehow He saw worth where I saw none. Somehow He knew.... I want to live like my 9 yr. old. He's given me a 2nd chance - a chance to live my life with passion - to live each day of my life as if it were my last.

Restless

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." Oprah Winfrey

I'm restless - a lot of the time. I have tons of energy. I need to move - and keep moving. When I'm sitting too long - my mind wanders. I feel fidgety. Edgy. There's a strong intense surge of energy that builds inside me - a push to get up, to move, to do something. I try to fight it - I tell myself - hang in - focus - stay still - chill.


My mind drifts - wanders. I want to experience more right at that moment - I want to do something - anything - except sit and listen and wait...... I feel this driving need pulling at me - to get up, run, move - create -


Sometimes I wonder if that restlessness is from all the times I was forced to be still, to be silent - to wait.
The many times I was locked in the car - alone - for hours. Crouching in the back on the floor - not moving - afraid - praying no one would notice me - 

The many times I was pinned to the bed - for hours.....feeling smothered, trapped, desperate to get up.

The many times I sat still - listening to tapes of the rapist tell how he was the savior for the world....for hours.

Confined by the hospital - in a small room or tied to a bed - feeling like an amimal caught in a trap - for hours.....

Restlessness - I feel it in every fibre of my being. It's a feeling of being trapped, confined, held back......

Restlessness - it doesn't let up. It builds until I'm forced to do something to seek relief....I used to hit up, throw up, cut. I won't do that anymore. Now I run or bike or swim or write. 

Restlessness - this strong intense inner agitation. An angst to move - to be free.


Being physically active works for me. There are days when it's raining, or so cold I can't go out. Once, last winter, I felt so agitated - I needed to run, or move or do something. My 13 year old held out her hands to me. Let's run mom. I looked at her. Huh? She smiled. Take my hands. Let's run, on the spot. We did. It was tons of fun. Now we do it all the time challenging each other to see who tires first.


My kids have no idea what I lived. I won't tell them - not now - but they are in tune with my needs. And God uses them to help me. I'm so thankful that today I am free to move - free to experience life - free to live. And I'm trying to channel this restless energy into something positive - like writing to give others hope - 

It doesn't matter anymore what happened to me - it matters more how I use what happened.....I'm determined to use it for something good.