Saturday, December 19, 2009

Touching Life





"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." Sissy Spacek

I eat the same things everyday. eggs, popcorn - cereal - something in me still can't let myself touch, feel, experience the pleasures of life. There's a part of me that still believes I don't deserve what others enjoy. Somewhere deep inside - I still think I have no right to life. - It's not the way I used to believe. I used to think I had no right to exist at all.  I don't feel that anymore - I just need to know inside that' it's ok to touch, to feel, to experience life in its fullness. 

I want to feel what my friends feel. I want to touch life as life is meant to be lived. I am really connected when running in the woods  - but it's too cold outside. And my body is always physicially cold. My friends tell me it's because I don't eat the right things. 

Touching life - feeling it's warmth - that's what I want.






25 comments:

Madison said...

Sarah, I really don't like your dad. Glad you're connected now to a Father who is the exact opposite. I think in a way going through something that makes you realize that you must rely on God to breathe is a blessing. It's you and God walking on. He's given you a vision of where you want to end up and He will take you there.

Finally Free said...

Dearest Sarah,

I pray that God by his mercy would take the shame away from you that your Dad placed on you. What you describe was worse than I would treat my little P.J. When he was sick, I took Him to the vet to get help. I didn't force him to eat.

Lord, I come before you now and lift up my dear sister Sarah. She has been such a blessings to me and so many others. Please help her "really" live. Please release her from the chains of bondage that hold her back. She is your special beloved child. Thank you God for Her and Her life. Please send your Holy Spirit to heal the areas that need healing.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

Just Be Real said...

((((Sarah))))

Renee' said...

your dad sounds like my mom :(
and I feel at times like you ,I want to feel what my friends feel. I want to touch life as life is meant to be lived.

Finding Pam said...

Sarah, thank you for commenting on my blog. I really appreciate it.

From reading your blogs, I see we have somethings in common. Just know that you are worthy, you are loved and while you did not have an earthly father that loved you, you have a heavenly Father that does love you. This has helped me in so many ways and I pray that it helps you as well.

Many blessings,
Pam

Susan Deborah said...

Sarah: Just to say a 'thank-you.' Drop over my blog when you have the time.

Susan

Paula said...

Dear One, thanks for returning to my blog to comment again. I had visited your blog an hour agao and still chew what I have read there. Love you

Mary said...

So wrong on every frickin level!!!!
Children are supposed to be protected, cherished, encouraged, nurtured, loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah, look at the abundant and variety of foods God created. They are meant to be enjoyed. Father, help Sarah to know and experience the bounty you created for her. Help to experience the truth of your love for in ever growing measures.

Pete Hoge said...

His work is done through our
sufferings though it seems
cruel to us.

Pete.

Andrea said...

Your ABBA Father "Daddy" wants you to experience those pleasures. He longs to give you the best. With each pleasure you experience HIS heart leaps with joy.
Do me a favor and as you approach the next beautiful meal..or pleasure, think of your Heavenly Father and how HE longs for you to delight HIS heart by enjoying it.

GO FOR IT, sweet friend!
Much love and hugs, andrea

Shattered said...

You have every right to touch the life around you and enjoy it. That applies for me as well. You and I were raised by dysfunctional and irrational parents and I am so sorry you had to endure this kind of treatment. However, you are thriving and you inspire me. Keep writing and keep pressing forward...

Faith Imagined said...

Precious and beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Keep going, Sarah. You will in time do all that -- touch life, feel like others. One can sense the immense strides you have made. I had a friend with a similar experience with her father. She spent some time here in our little spiritual town, and when she went back to see her therapist of 20 years duration, her therapist told her that she had made such immense progress in only one week that it could only be explained by divine intervention. It looks like God is on the prowl to help you and others who have had bad earthly fathers.

Merry Christmas! (And yes, I know I have an enote from you to answer. I have been getting only a couple of hours of sleep a night this week because of an overwhelming amount of work at the office.) I will get to your note soon.

Jeannie said...

Feeling worthless can manifest in many ways.

Gaia said...

We need o feed our SOULS, to feel again ... to love life. Maybe we try to rush it, becos we want to feel what our friends are enjoying and wonder why we cannot be like them. That causes us anxiety and I understand it now.. so I guess we will take one step at a time. Go out into your woods and feel it breathe as I am going out to the beach now to renew myself. Hugs.

RCUBEs said...

I'm glad you know now the Father Who loves you unconditionally...Love and blessings.

Denise said...

Your true Father loves you beautiful one, so very, very much.

Being Me said...

I hope you are able to feel the arms of the Loving Father as they enfold you in his warmth and love.

BM

Paula said...

Dear Sarah, what you described about your Dad shocked me to the bone. It is incredible what you have overcome. Can relate that self acceptance and esteem still is not easy to come by. Just in this moment I learn that it takes many puzzlespieces fitted to gain a stable confidence and acceptance. Tiny little pieces which need to be watched and cared for every single day. I have so much faith in you. Love from Munich

miruspeg said...

Sarah I saw your name as a follower on my blog and came over to say hello.
I love that quote by Sissy Spacek. I try and live by those words but it is very easy for me as I was never ill-treated.
Reading your posts is very heart-wrenching but also I know it will be helping many many people who have suffered like you have.
I offer my light and love to you while you navigate this difficult journey.
Take care and keep shining that beautiful light you have.
Namaste
Peggy

Nezzy said...

God has placed those untouchable things on this earth just for you to enjoy. I have battled those voices in my head that my earthly father placed there. He never used his fists but he could sure cut my heart with his words. Jesus died just for you to experience the good things because you are special, your are a child of the king and you deserve everything he has in store for you.

I pray that God will flush that unworthiness feelin' from your heart and mind that will let you touch, feel and taste what is rightfully yours. The price has been paid just for you.

God bless you and have a beautiful day in the Lord. I'm go glad I dropped in. :o)

Just_because_today said...

Heart wrenching.
If running helps you, then find a way to do more of it and enjoy what you see, what surrounds you. Allow yourself to do so.
Let God...

Mary said...

Sarah, I received your book yesterday. I finished your book late last night. Sweet, precious, woman, my heart cries for what you have endured. My heart rejoices in what God has done and is doing. You are unbelievably strong in his strength. So much I long to say to you, but I am having trouble finding the words.

You are precious in his sight, you are a child of the most high God. You are his beloved. You are worthy because he says so!!!!

May you continue to appropriate that truth with each breath you take.

Blessings!

Colleen said...

I want you to feel life's warmth, too. Hugs and prayers.

Karen said...

Sending more warm hugs your way and prayers for a full and abundant life...