"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." Sissy Spacek
I was sick. I think I had the flu or something. My father pulled me to the table....demanded I eat. Shoving his fist in my face - he threatened if I didn't eat he would force the food down my throat. I took a bite....then threw up. He didn't care. He swore...pushed more food at me.....demanding I eat it. I tried...I couldn't keep it down.. Later.....hiding in my closet - in the dark - I bit my arms until my teeth left indents...and my arms bled.
I think eating and food are metahpors for life and living. Food - it nourishes the body, keeps you alive...some of my friends talk about food and eating as pleasurable experiences....they go into great details about textures, tastes...what they love, don't like....baking, cooking, tasting - speaking in animated excited tones...
Food - eating....touching life. Sometimes I still walk around feeling I have no right to touch life...to use things....things that are supposed to bring pleasure...things that are meant for enjoyment. Sometimes I still feel like an intruder....sneaking around a house I've broken into. It's a strange sensation....a sense of not being allowed to really be part of life.
I eat the same things everyday. eggs, popcorn - cereal - something in me still can't let myself touch, feel, experience the pleasures of life. There's a part of me that still believes I don't deserve what others enjoy. Somewhere deep inside - I still think I have no right to life. - It's not the way I used to believe. I used to think I had no right to exist at all. I don't feel that anymore - I just need to know inside that' it's ok to touch, to feel, to experience life in its fullness.
I want to feel what my friends feel. I want to touch life as life is meant to be lived. I am really connected when running in the woods - but it's too cold outside. And my body is always physicially cold. My friends tell me it's because I don't eat the right things.
Touching life - feeling it's warmth - that's what I want.