Monday, December 21, 2009

Holidays

"...the message of Christmas - we are never alone. Not when the night is darkest, the wind coldest, the world seemingly most indifferent. For this is still the time God chooses." Taylor Caldwell

Holidays....they never meant anything.  They weren't different than any other day. Not to me. My parents prepared food, decorated the house....had friends and relatives over.....did what was expected.  I don't remember ever getting gifts, or feeling special....or being happy.  I felt like I always did - different. My parents made it very clear - holidays were for others, for their friends, for the people they cared about. Not for me...because I was wrong, worthless, an inconvenience. Before anyone arrived, they screamed, they threatened, they cursed - I hid like I always did. I hid in the dark, alone, lost in my head...in another world...a world where no one hurt me and no one made me afraid. I sat in the dark....hearing the laughter, listening to the fun.....alone...No one cared.. Holidays meant nothing. 

Living on the streets.....strangers reached out...strangers gave me gifts...gave me money...smiled....tried to give me hope...tried to give me comfort. But I lived in my head....in another world....separate from people....separate from life....alone...feeling different. Feeling worthless...underserving. ....


It's different today. I want to make the holidays special. I don't exactly know how. We have a tree, with lights, and gifts - People have been giving us cards, presents and inviting us places. My girls are happy. I want them to feel holidays are fun celebrations. I'm doing the things I think are right...the things I think I'm supposed to do for them. I hope what I'm doing is right...because holidays still don't mean too much to me. They're still just another day...


I am looking forward to something though ....I dontated our time to help serve a meal to those who have nobody. Actually I donated the whole day because we're doing it at lunchtime and then again at supper. My kids think it's pretty cool. It's my way of giving back just like those strangers did for me once....when I lived on the street...when I had no one who cared, when I had nothing of value....when I lived in my head.

I've been given so much. But it's like Billie Holiday said, “You can be up to your boobies in white satin, with gardenias in your hair and no sugar cane for miles, but you can still be working on a plantation.”

I look at myself in the mirror...and see someone so different than who I was...someone who somehow overcame  hatred and dope and darkness...But when I close my eyes ..what I lived still lives inside...and in some ways it still affects me, still pulls at me - in different ways then it used to....maybe in ways that now I can use to give back and help someone else.






 

28 comments:

Hannah said...

what an amazing way to spend your day - I'm sure you will make such a difference to many people's lives this Christmas.
Have a wonderful holiday xox

Andrea said...

Continuing to overcome!
Blessings, hugs, and prayers, andrea

RCUBEs said...

What you had gone through from the past, the Lord did turn into good because you love Him. And I know that many, many out there are going to be encouraged by you. Merry Christmas sister and God bless and protect you always.

Just Be Real said...

Blessings dear one. You are so very special! ((((Sarah))))

Finally Free said...

Sarah,
I know I have said this many times, but when I read your writings, they touch the deepest parts of my heart. Maybe God wants to keep encouraging you through me. He has given you a wonderful gift. His spirit takes your words and touches others hearts. Your words bypass our heads and go right to the heart.

I know the holidays can be hard when you have experienced so much pain associated with them. You are a beautiful light and you will brighten the place where your serving. I think that is the real meaning of Christmas, anyway. God reached into a broken world and gave us life and served.

Merry Christmas to you and thank you for praying for Dr. T. It means the world to me.

Blessings,
Tammy

Mary said...

Sarah it good that you told. Sins committed against us, that get buried, not spoken or faced, or healed spread poison inside of us.
And in the telling, the facing, healing is possible. You are able to point to the source of healing dear one, you show hope to many in the telling. I can understand how what happened still affecting you. Keep taking it moment by moment to your healer, your comforter, the lover of your soul.

What a wonderful way to spend Christmas with your girls. May you experience his love, his pleasure in you - he is pleased with you!!!

Being Me said...

It's good to let the season into your heart, the Lord's coming should give you comfort. May you find an inner peace through the wishes and the sharing of blessings this season.
You are strong Sarah.

BM

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Sometimes holidays are more difficult than normal days. There's so much pressure and so much "extra"... pretending to match the atmosphere of cheer when you just struggle for your next breath.

I'm glad this year will be very different for you. Donating your time is a beautiful way to celebrate. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Sarah! You deserve it!

enchantedoak said...

Amen, sister. You can still give back, and THAT is the true meaning of Christmas. Learning to enjoy the small pleasures with your children is a massive step forward. The scars will always remain, but the choice today is to LIVE with them. God bless your week and your spirits.

Deborah Ann said...

What a beautiful way to show Jesus to the world! You have really turned into a beautiful woman of the Lord, He must be so proud of you!

Have a blessed Christmas, my sweet friend...

Finding Pam said...

I know what you mean about Christmas and trauma from
childhood.

I think it is very brave and a good way for you to express your pain. I know you are a good mom because you care.

My prayer for you is that through time, prayer and love you will heal from your childhood and past.

Remember...You are worthy, you are loved, you are someone very unique because you are God's child.

Many blessings to you and your family as you spread unconditional love to those in need.

Angie Muresan said...

Have a beautiful Christmas Sarah. God bless you and your girls.

Beth said...

I read what you wrote, and as a mom, I want to reach out and hug the little girl who felt worthless, and I want to tell her how precious she is.

What a wonderful way to make the holidays special. Reaching out to others. I pray you and your family will also be blessed.

Sheila Deeth said...

Wow. I love what you're doing with the "you" that's inside. The past doesn't go away. But what you do with it redeems the present and future.

An Imperfect Perfection said...

What a truly wonderful thing you are doing - for you, your family and others. Merry Christmas!

Denise said...

My friend, you bless many, including me. I love you.

Prayer Girl said...

It is very hard to learn a behavior as an adult that was not learned in childhood. It sounds like you are doing a great job of giving your children the opportunity to enjoy the holiday.

God bless and enjoy Christmas with your loved ones.

PG

LisaC said...

You did not deserve the life you had growing up; you deserved to be loved and cared for the same way you are loving and caring for your girls. What a wonderful mother and role model you are. You actually understand and are practicing the true meaning of Christmas. What strength you have. Merry Christmas.

Audrinna said...

I had learn like you that Christmas is for good kids not bad kids like me. I was told I was not worthy to have any good thing . I'm 46 and in a way i still believe that away

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Sarah

It feels very hard that when you shut your eyes, the person who you are now feels, for a second, as though it might disintegrate. It feels frightening that in the eyes-shut moments, you still feel the lostness of the moments when you were alone.
I hear that and I wish I could somehow meet you and speak with you and.. well... I guess I wouldbe the very last person who could do anything really... but I wanted you to know that I wish I could do more to make you feel some of the holiday joy you missed.
I feel sad that yo can only experience that through your children and I am praying that in some miraculous way, a part of you that is still small and hurt, will get touched by the joy of Christmas.
It's great to give so much to others Sarah and I love it that you are serving those who are most in need... But I hope that you can also allow for something to be given to yourself...

Much love
x

Deb said...

I wish that I could see you. Talk to you.

Pray for you.

Give you a hug.

One that would transfer His warmth from me to you.

I can't be there to do these things; but this morning during my devotion, I read this verse.

Actually, I read several passages this morning. And this one grabbed me.

I wondered why.

Now, I think that I know.

O Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer,
who shields my head in the day of battle--
do not grant the wicked their desires, O LORD (Psalm 140: 7-8a).


Abba,

Our Sovereign Father. You are Sarah's strong deliverer.

You shield her head. Always.

Shield her head in the day of battle. When memories erupt. And hurt. And helplessness. And pain.

She can walk. She can run. She can celebrate. She can live and touch and taste and enjoy.

Because You are in her heart. In her soul. Her head.

You are her strong deliverer.

You have overcome all evil. All wickedness. All mistreatment. All abuse.

May Sarah feel Your warmth. Your touch. May she taste and savor Your words to her today.

Oh, One "who shields our head in the day of battle" we love You.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

p.s. Sweet girl, if I can help in any way, just shoot me an E-mail. (debcarroll@ymail.com)

Audrinna said...

I have something for u at my blog

Wanda's Wings said...

GOD SHINES THROUGH YOUR LIFE GIVING HOPE AND JOY TO OTHERS. HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS!

Colleen said...

I have an award for you on my blog.

Paula said...

Dear Sarah, passing by to show some love and give a big warm hug. Paula xxx

Patricia Singleton said...

Sarah, I share the thoughts and feelings expressed here for you and that innocent little girl that you carry inside. I carry my own inner child who still feels worthless and unloved and abused. Today, I can nurture and love her. I didn't always know how to love her or take care of her. I learned how to play for her.

What a glorious way for you and your daughters to spend Christmas Day serving the Lord and mankind. You are a great teacher for your own children. I know it is hard trying to figure out what is normal and what is healthy to teach your children when you weren't taught those things yourself. It sounds like you are doing a marvelous job. Have a glorious 2010.

La Dolce Vita said...

Hi Sarah so nice to meet you in Bloglandia. thanks for visiting and following my site. this is a very powerful post and I appreciate that you are still working on your recovery. giving back is a powerful healing tool. I am so glad to hear that you are finding your way. blessings to you, caterina.

Karen said...

You are such a blessing.....