Restless

"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure." Oprah Winfrey

I'm restless - a lot of the time. I have tons of energy. I need to move - and keep moving. When I'm sitting too long - my mind wanders. I feel fidgety. Edgy. There's a strong intense surge of energy that builds inside me - a push to get up, to move, to do something. I try to fight it - I tell myself - hang in - focus - stay still - chill.


My mind drifts - wanders. I want to experience more right at that moment - I want to do something - anything - except sit and listen and wait...... I feel this driving need pulling at me - to get up, run, move - create -


Sometimes I wonder if that restlessness is from all the times I was forced to be still, to be silent - to wait.
The many times I was locked in the car - alone - for hours. Crouching in the back on the floor - not moving - afraid - praying no one would notice me - 

The many times I was pinned to the bed - for hours.....feeling smothered, trapped, desperate to get up.

The many times I sat still - listening to tapes of the rapist tell how he was the savior for the world....for hours.

Confined by the hospital - in a small room or tied to a bed - feeling like an amimal caught in a trap - for hours.....

Restlessness - I feel it in every fibre of my being. It's a feeling of being trapped, confined, held back......

Restlessness - it doesn't let up. It builds until I'm forced to do something to seek relief....I used to hit up, throw up, cut. I won't do that anymore. Now I run or bike or swim or write. 

Restlessness - this strong intense inner agitation. An angst to move - to be free.


Being physically active works for me. There are days when it's raining, or so cold I can't go out. Once, last winter, I felt so agitated - I needed to run, or move or do something. My 13 year old held out her hands to me. Let's run mom. I looked at her. Huh? She smiled. Take my hands. Let's run, on the spot. We did. It was tons of fun. Now we do it all the time challenging each other to see who tires first.


My kids have no idea what I lived. I won't tell them - not now - but they are in tune with my needs. And God uses them to help me. I'm so thankful that today I am free to move - free to experience life - free to live. And I'm trying to channel this restless energy into something positive - like writing to give others hope - 

It doesn't matter anymore what happened to me - it matters more how I use what happened.....I'm determined to use it for something good.