Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Afraid but Going Forward

"When you were born, you cried. 
Live your life so when you die, others cry." Native Proverb 

My book, In the Eye of Deception, is at the publisher. My words, my thoughts written in the last year - all complied in a book for the world to see. 

These last few weeks, I've been running on confidence - confidence to tell, to share, to be vulnerable  - my way - to show gratitude to Him - gratitude for what He did in my life....

When I close my eyes, I see it all like a movie playing in my head - the people, the sirens, the hospitals, the prison, the streets, fighting - desperate to be free.....shoving needles in my arms - going with anyone - desperate for a fix, a high - aching to be free from the awful lonliness, the crippling shame, the terror....It never let up. - Standing on the window ledge - believing if I jumped I wouldn't die....crouched in the fire....hearing that voice tell me he knew, and I knew so burn baby burn.....Seeing that house...where the rapist held me....climbing that 6 foot high fence in the middle of winter with no shoes, or coat or warm clothes - desperate to be free.....Throwing up day after day - afraid to eat - slashing my arms, biting myself.....my only way to fight the 'professionals' who kept pushing me to be and do what I just couldn't - forcing me to take pills that made me feel like a zombie -tying me to the bed......like an animal......I hated them..I hated me -  Locked up with people who scared me, who set themselves on fire, some who were violent, others talking and screaming to no one or threatening to kill anyone who looked at them the wrong way.... 

I thought I would die in that miserable darkness. I didn't wait for it to kill me - I tried over and over to take my life....He wouldn't let me die.

He had a plan, a purpose. He reached so far down and did what nothing else could. He touched me, freed me......shattered the chains that held me tight.

Last night and this morning it hit me - I'm afraid to be known - to be known for all of who I am. I've shown people only the parts of me I think are ok - Putting a book out there with the details of my life.....all those horrible things - I'm afraid..... I'm afraid but there seems to be somthing that feels stronger than that fear - a desire to give back - to help someone else find hope and freedom. Maybe my life, the darkness I lived - can be a catalyst for someone climbing out of their hell, their misery, their darkness.

My book will be out next week. A writer friend told me to start a webpage. I had it up and running, people from my other blog and facebook were linking to it and then today....I can't access it. No one can. All that work. Maybe it's a techno glitch so if anyone wants to try to check it out.  It still needs work...




Susan said...

We've spent so many years hiding, that the idea of Being Known is still new.
We've been rejected by so many, that I think there is always part of us that braces ourselves for the next rejection.
I think you've done something amazing and unselfish by writing this book. At the same time, I hope it brings you some more healing too. In helping others, you will be helped.
So many people hide and pretend. Thank you for being real and authentic. Your scars add to your beauty.
Thank you for the help that you've even offered me through your words.
In your corner,

Denise said...

I am so happy for you sweetie, your book is going to help so many people.

RCUBEs said...

It's never easy to come out but if the Lord is telling you to do so and if you are willing to obey, give all your cares to Him...I just pray for the Lord to protect you as this comes into fruition. I can't access the webpage, too. But that's okay. You just keep us posted. Congratulations sister! For the courage you keep on showing. To God be the glory! Blessings, love and prayers to you.

nannykim said...

Wow! The thing I think about every day is that I have to not fear man , but fear only God... That has helped me so much. I don't need to worry about impressing people...I only need to think about what God would desire and not be afraid of what man thinks. Looks like that is what you are doing in writing this book---willing to lay yourself bare to help others.

Being Me said...

By coming out you will most likely feel more liberated than you have ever felt. God Bless you with courage.
(might be something off with the address url , doesn't appear..)

Andrea said...

I couldn't access it either. But guess what...you know what this means. The enemy is not happy b/c your book is going to rock this world and be a life changer. Praise GOD you are causing satan some stress. I am proud of you for "rocking this world" and changing lives! GOD BLESS you. Your website will be restored and all will work out and in the end...MANY, MANY lives will be saved because of you!
LOVE, HUGS, and PRAYERS, andrea

Andrea said...

BTW: Are we friends on fb? I am listed as Andrea Bowling Perdue. It is picture of me in a green shirt with sitka if you would like to friend me.

Hang in there!

Deb said...


On your book.

And on the healing that He's working out in your heart.




He's got you covered, sweet girl.

With His presence. Power. Peace. Protection.

And He ain't going nowhere!

Got something for you on my blog if you have time.

Sweet dreams.

Gin said...

Congrats on the book. I agree with the others, not only are you helping yourself, but so many others who are still afraid to speak up! Kudos to you!

Zan said...

Sarah, I could access the webpage! :) So it does still work.
Congratulations for finishing this, for making it all the way. You are so strong. Thank you for letting the world get to know you.
Hold your head high, you should be very very proud of yourself!


Angela said...

What came to my spirit when I read this was Genesis 50:20. I was thinking the same thoughts as you early this morning, about sharing my 'everything', letting it all out, where people that 'know' me, find out about me....and all those parts that have been hidden...God gently reminded me, as He did you,,,maybe my life, the darkness I lived - can be a catalyst for someone climbing out of their hell, their misery, their darkness.
amen amen amen sis

Paula said...

Sarah, just being back from another long day at trauma therapy center and so very preoud to hear the news about your book. I am so very proud of you. I am sure the webpage will be accessible again - I have written down the link :-)) Love from Germany

Blonde Mafia said...

wow sarah I can't believe how strong you are, it helps me get through my shit knowing im not the only one thanks!


Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Sarah,
I am so pleased for you. What an incredible achievement!
I really identified with t
your words about only showing people certain parts of you and understand the enormous fear that you are squaring up to in doing this brave, brave thing.
Thinking of you and standing with you in the fear of being known.

Tracy said...

It's hard to brave and vulnerable; but the rewards are many. You are an encouragment and inspiration to others, you are being known and loved for who you really are.

Congratulations on the book.

I just tried the link as was able to access the website. It looks good.

Deborah Ann said...

The link is working now. Best wishes for your book! Many women will be blessed because of it...

Finally Free said...

I once heard someone say courage is "fear that said it's prayers". I am afraid to be known, too. The fear of rejection still lingers. It is so much better, but still stings when it happens. It feels like walking around with no clothes on emotionally sometimes.

I'm so glad to know you. You have a beautiful spirit and I pray your book reaches many for Him.

I noticed that your website is up. Yaay!

Blessings and Hugs,

Colleen said...

Congrats on your book. I know how you feel. You will feel better once you start getting the positive reactions to it and you realize you are helping others. Also, just regurgitating all that stuff.. that is healing too. God bless!

Margie said...

Congratulations on the book, Sarah.
I know you will help so many with it.
You are so inspiring!



Janice said...

Congrats on your book, maybe someday i will get mine out

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, as you know how very excited I am about your book!! What a testimony to all the hurting out there!

I cannot understand why you cannot reply even on your own website, especially being the administrator. Strange?

Much hugs always....

Valerie Lynn said...

I am so looking forward to reading your book. I am so proud of you girl. My heart is just overflowing with joy for you. I love you and bless the day God brought you into my life. God bless you.

Paula said...

Honey, passing by, thinking of you. Wish I could give you a real hug. Love from Germany.

anitamartin said...

I don't believe God places anything in our lives by accident. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your life experiences.

(BTW, I got the link to work.)

Robin said...

When we share the darkness with others we are no longer held in dark captivity, sharing allows light to bring life. My prayer for you is God will cover you completely in His love and help you to continue perserving in Christ. Love robin

Marj aka Thriver said...

I can understand the fear, but I'm glad you're moving forward. Your website seems to be working this week. I just signed your guest book. The site looks great. Congrats and kudos on the site and the book coming out!