Laughter

 

 "Laughter is carbonated holiness." Anne Lamott 

It' was a hard week...fighting a cold headachy....exhausted...just not feeling good. My friend came over....started telling me how awful her day at work had been....and her responses to the people who crossed her. 

Her words intense...her face serious..she spoke quickly needing to get it all out. I don't know what it was or why it happened but as she talked about the hardness of her day....the the two of us suddenly cracked up laughing.  Everytime she started to talk...or be serious....and explain what happened....we both burst into uncontrollable laughter. 

Soon neither of us could talk. Everytime we tried....we kept laughing hysterically. Tears rolled down our cheeks. All our frustrations that had seemed so huge disappeared....the tough stuff...my cold...her bad day....it didn't matter no more. 

All week it's been like that...friends calling...wanting to get together...to connect...share....laugh. I've been saying yes...taking risks....being present...letting myself connect with people and life....

There was a time I never laughed...rarely even smiled. A teacher once told me,   you're the saddest child I've ever seen.  Life hurt too much. But now...things have changed. He made the difference...helped me move forward.

Laughter....a gift....total fun....the best feeling. I read somewhere.....classes are being held to teach people to laugh...and clowns are brought into hospitals to get the sick smiling and laughing as part of their healing.

I don't know if I could have been taught to laugh.  In a couple of weeks I have to share my story at Toastmasters. They've suggested I write it down. In writing....I remember the darkness....the loneliness...the fear. I'm not sure anyone could have taught me to let go....and be free enough to laugh. For me...being able to laugh comes  from a  from a place of feeling free. Laughter...it really is the best. 

Trust

"Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt. But that's not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing." Lance Armstrong
 
A friend hurt me. She hurt me really bad.She lied to me, told me things that weren't true - hooked me in emotionally - told me things that sounded right - told me what my heart wanted to believe. Another friend told me - don't trust what she's saying - I thought that friend was wrong; she didn't know her like I did. I thought I knew better.

I should have listened but I lived on her words - I trusted. Something in me needed to believe.

I teach my girls to listen to their gut - to trust their inner sense - to be in tune with that inner feeling of something being right or wrong in spite of what they physically see - I teach my kids - but I still can't figure it out all the time. I feel that check  - that hesitation, yet I move forward anyways.

Trust - not everyone is trustworthy. I want to believe they are.
Trust - when I lived on the street, when I fought through crazy situations I trusted people who hurt me - I wanted to believe they were honest - that their words were true. I wanted to believe that so badly I ignored that gut feeling as being nothing.  But when they hurt me, I hurt myself. Their lies cut deep - their actions stirred all the self-hatred - It caused me to lash out at myself - cutting, throwing up, shooting up. Their actions fueled my self-hatred -  intensifying it until it had a life of its own.

I had always thought it was me who was wrong, - I had always thought it was me who made them lie and hurt me. And I hated myself for trusting them, for believing the sweetness of their words......the kindness of their actions - never realizing there was a cost to pay.

I went running in the woods today - to release that build up of self-hatred - Then I reached out to that friend. I don't want to run. I really want to believe the best.....Misunderstandings - silence - forgiveness.

Friends

"If I don't have friends, I ain't got nothing." Billi Holiday

I'm overwhelmed. Tonight my friend, Debbie called. Her voice in a panic. Begged me to come over and to hurry. I went. I wasn't prepared for the surprise party she had thrown for me. Even my sister and her husband drove the eight hours to come. They all chipped in and bought me the mountain bike I wanted. It had all the bells and whistles.

I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I didn't want the attention. I didn't want the focus on me. I, who have spent a lifetime hiding, not wanting to be seen. Here were about thirty of my friends focusing on me. My first thought - I don't deserve this.

Later that night, after everyone left, Debbie told me, 'I would do anything for you. God brought me into your life because He wants to heal you completely.'

I met Debbie online. In a writers critique group. She read an excerpt of my book. I didn't tell her my real name. She emailed me and said she lives twenty minutes away. She wanted to talk. I panicked. I gave her my number. She called. I told her my real name. She wanted to meet. I couldn't. She knew too much. We emailed. We talked on the phone. She asked if I would ever meet her. Three months later, we finally met - In the park. Over the next few months she read more of my story. She wanted to know details. I couldn't talk. I hesitated. My words faltered. I started a sentence, then stopped. She encouraged me. Then begged me to come over to her place. We sat opposite each other, I unable to have her look at me. The shame was too great. She respected my need and talked with her face turned away from me. Over the next few months, we got close. Really close. We talked everyday. I told her things I had never told anyone. Things that happened. Horrible things. She said it made her care about me even more. She said our friendship to her is like David and Jonathon in the Bible.

My daughter told me on the drive home from the party, "Mom, you have some great friends." I do. I really do. I have been afraid of letting them get too close, afraid they would see the shame, afraid they would know my past and hate me. So I kept them at a distance.

My friends are awesome people. Each one of them. I still don't know how God did it. Took me out of a lifestyle of hopelessness and misery and brought me into one of love, friendship and family. The Bible says God came to set the captives free. It's true. He really did.