Wednesday, July 20, 2011


"Jealousy is like salt in food. A little enhances the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under some circumstances, can be life-threating." Maya Angleou

I used to envy people who had what I wanted.... especially if they had a family that cared....who gave them support and didn't hurt them. 

Jealousy ate at me when I saw them with their familes....families who helped them out....who encouraged them....who were in their corner. I lived on the streets....alone...with no one caring what happened to me. It wasn't fair....

I wanted what they had.....I wanted it so badly....that safe place...where I could go to kick with people who loved me....who cared...who wouldn't hurt me.'s a cancer that burns inside... always hungry....never satisfied. made me crazy...wild...reinforced I wasn't good enough... painted my world dark.....empty...left me longing...yearning for what I didn't have......envious of others who did.
I've stopped wishing for what others have or don't have. Instead.....I'm grateful for all that I've been amazing family of my own....a home on the Lakeshore....awesome friends who believe in me.....

But sometimes...even now...when friends tell me they're having reunions or get together's with feel that ache....that old jealousy...wishing I had what they did....a family - but it doesn't last long....

Life isn't fair to alot of people....Everyone struggles with something or other they wish they had or didn't have.  And I've figured out.....not everything that looks good from the outside is real on the inside.  People can look like they have everything....but they may be struggling with a bad relationship...or some addiction....or drowning in debt. 

I don't say life isn't fair anymore....because I wake up grateful...everyday. Sometimes I have to shake my head to make sure what I have is really real......

I used to live on spam and handouts. I had nothing. And the worst - I didn't have myself....I had no peace. I spent most of my time hiding in
the dark....afraid of getting hurt....believing I was worthless....and about how to end my life. 

It's different now....I wake up everyday....anxious to get smell the earth...and see the beauty in nature....the flowers...and mountains....the lake....and hear the birds singing and watch for a blueheron in flight. 

I'm grateful....for everyday....for everything in my world....things aren't perfect.....but life's pretty awesome.


Joanne said...

How beautiful that you see your blessings. You are right the grass is not greener when you get up close and see the real deal with other people.
Great post!
Blessings, Joanne

Dolores Ayotte said...

Nikki....what you have said is so very true. Learning to be grateful for what we have instead of yearning for what we don't have requires a tweak in our attitude. I also agree that things can look wonderful for others on the outside, but it may not be quite the way we think it is or the way it appears to be. Gratitude for God's blessings...yup, I agree, that's the key! Thanks kiddo! :)

Karen said...

Thanks, Sarah, for this upbeat post. Even on dark days in my soul, God whispers that life in Him is still good. blessings, k

TheBlogWriter8 said...

It's funny (or not) how I've been feeling jealous in the last few days of those who got on a platter what I still struggle for; but God knows best, right? He does. He has a reason why we lack what we do. For me, I crave friendships- long, lasting, loving friendships- because I'm scared to trust again. But I have some real good people like you in my life now and whether these bonds last or not, I am very very very grateful for now. Tough lesson there, Nikki. Thank you for reinforcing what's important in my head.

My time will come too, right? :)


NOS said...

I know from what I've read on your blog that several years ago you were in a very rough and unhappy place. But when you describe your life now-- your life with your book, your daughters-- I can sense your happiness. I'm sure not everything is peachy all of the time, but you seem to have found a happiness and peace within yourself. I really admire that.

Thank you for your comment on my recent blog post. I'm feeling pretty badly about myself and my situation, and kind words really DO make a difference.


Wishing you well,

RCUBEs said...

Jealousy or envy is indeed a bad thing...It makes people see those things that actually take away their attention on the very thing that they should be grateful for and the thing that they should be enjoying the most.

God is awesome when He finds us and teach us about this. He should be our only focus. Remembering your past experiences from your book and to hear where you are now, it's "awesome..." God bless you sister.

Dulce said...

Glad you have managed to get rid of such painfull unhealthy feeling... JEALOUSy, of all feelings, maybe the worst!
Hugs :-)

Sheila Deeth said...

Interesting quote, and great article.

CRY said...

I understand some of what you went thru and still are
you now appreciate the things you might not have before.
im proud of you

Patti Hanan said...

It is so good you are grateful for all that you've been given. You have come so far, and I'm sure gratitude has played a big part in the joy you now have.

Crown of Beauty said...

Nikki, I can never imagine the depth and the darkness of your painfilled past, and that is why I find it so awesome that you were able to get out of that black hole. And find change and healing.

Someday, we will meet and we will have many stories to share with each other.

Wake up to a new day everyday, dear Nikki! Just being grateful to be alive and getting more healed each new day! Life will never be perfect or fair on this side of eternity. But really, eternity's begun... and it's just getting better everyday!

Much love

They call me "Deb" said...

I too used to wish for things I didn't have in 'family'. But like you, I am blessed with the gift of each new day filled with brand new opportunities prepared specifically for me by God. In Him, I find joy and hope and gratitude. :)
I'm so glad you do too.

CRY said...

you said, But sometimes...even now...when friends tell me they're having reunions or get together's with feel that ache....that old jealousy...wishing I had what they did....a family - but it doesn't last long....

I know how you feel about this because I feel the same.I feel bitterness and anger but PRAISE LORD FOR WHAT I HAVE AS A FAMILY TODAY, including MY JESUS!
I am glad you are happy with what the Lord has given you, he gave YOU to all of us that read your blog, did ya ever think of that?

Mary said...

I am finding that too...thankfulness for what is. when you begin to live in this you/i find there is much to be truly thankful for.

and you are so right, what you see can be deceiving...everyone has junk!!

thanks, it's good to be reminded to be thankful, it's easy to get busy in the stuff of life and not stop "see"


Peggy said...

I'm glad for you for how things have changed in your life.

Wildflower Cottage said...

Jealousy is a very ugly emotion. It can truly destroy us!

I struggle with it sometimes in my life. I think we all do, for I think we all believe that when we look at others who we think "have it all together," they may not. It's like the old saying "The grass is always greener on the other side." However, it may not be. If you look a bit closer at that grass, it may have some brown patches here and there.

At any rate, I am thankful that you have a family now that you can love and enjoy. I'm thankful that you're no longer "on the streets" and feel those miserable things that you felt before. God has truly blessed you!

Lastly, I am SO sorry I have not visited your blog in a long time. I hope that you can forgive me. I'm "following" you now so I can keep-up with your great posts! :)

Sharon said...

What a soaring tribute to the importance and beauty of gratitude. Paul teaches us that we need to learn to be content no matter what our circumstances are. You have gone through a crucible of teaching that few of us experience.

Your thankful heart is a thing of inspiration.


Lori Laws said...

Hi Nikki, you're so blessed. God redeems suffering, a little bit now, but He will redeem it totally one day. Just look at the woman, the beautiful woman you are today... full of wisdom and character! God bless!

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