"Deny your weakness and you will never realize God's strength in you." Joni Eareckson Tada
For years all my efforts went into forcing myself to be strong. The cutting, the drugs, the throwing up - all of it were my attempts at pushing myself to be strong, to not fall, to not give up.
No matter what happened or what anyone did to me - I struggled with myself to stand firm. I refused to cry, refused to admit I was scared or even that I needed help. Instead I lashed out. I felt like I was in a war - fighting so hard I nearly killed myself. Even after God amazingly freed me from the drugs - I continued to hurt myself - refusing to eat, forcing myself to throw up, biting my arms, punching and cutting myself......I told God I trusted Him but I didn't trust Him. I didn't trust Him to not allow me to get hurt again.
As a kid I was threatened to never show fear or sadness. But how do you really do that unless you lose a part of who you are? I went away. Far away. In my head. In my own world. A world where no one could reach me. A world where I couldn't reach me. I got lost. The way back has been long. Hard. There were days I didn't want to come back. I struggled with not wanting to be seen. Being seen meant getting hurt. I didn't want to get hurt again.
I've been afraid of feelings. I never knew how or what to do with them. So I punished myself for having them. Sadness, fear - even joy.
Yesterday I went running in the woods near our old place. As I ran through the secluded hills and trails, I felt like I had come home. In the quiet, the calm, the peacefulness - God's whisper in my spirit reminded me - He was with me. Everything will be ok. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to lean on His strength.
9 comments:
Glad you got to have a run back where you feel safe.
sending prayers for continued healing and restoration.
andrea
So glad you are finally enjoying the place you moved to!
♥These hearts surround you as you continue your journey dear one.♥
Just remember it is a process and a journey not an overnight success. It can be if that is God's will but usually, He takes us through a process to show us things along the way, to teach us to trust Him and only Him, to strengthen our faith and reveal every area that we need Him to work on us in so that we don't have to repeat the process later.
I have struggled with many issues over my short 46 years of life but I have learned more, grown more and am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.
See your self through His eyes...you are beautiful, valuable, cherished, loved, needed, child of the King and YOU ARE ROYALTY!!!
Take each day...one at a time. If that is too difficult...take one minute, one hour or a half a day at a time. Don't beat yourself up if you have a weak moment and take a step or two back. Admit to Jesus that you messed up and ask Him to help you go forward. He is still standing right where you left Him, waiting to pick you up, dust off the dirt, set your feet on the right path, take your hand and gently says "come child, let's walk this path together". He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Hold tightly to His unchanging hand...He will never fail you.
(((hugs)))
I hear what you are saying. You're brave- and you probably never intended to be. But you can also be weak- and be safe at the same time- in His arms.
God will not leave you or forsake you...ever!
I know that feeling of being threatened not to show fear or sadness. I lived in that for years until I realized that was just the power someone put over me and had to finally learn to rise above that.
Keep leaning on His everlasting arms sweetie.
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