Monday, September 7, 2009

Weakness and Tears

"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it." Albert Smith

I learned to fight. I learned to fight to survive. And to never show weakness. To show weakness meant defeat.

And he had taught me - his fist in my face, 'don't you dare cry.'
I never did. I swallowed the fear. I forced myself to be strong. I cut my body instead to fight the urge to give in - to buckle - to fall.

When he beat or ridiculed me - I refused to let him see how terrified I was. And when the rapist held me in that house I cried only the first time - After that - I never did. I forced myself to be strong - to never let him see my fear. When I was detained - I refused to cry. I wouldn't show them I was afraid. Instead I fought. I fought to stay strong.

I was driving back from a friend's. My 13 yr. old, then just a baby, was in the back in her car seat. Without thinking, I pulled off to the side of the road and started crying. The tears kept coming. They wouldn't stop.

I wasn't crying because I had to fight someone to stop them from hurting me. I was crying because I felt inadequate as a mother.

This baby depended on me to protect her and keep her safe. I felt overwhelmed. I had no idea how how to be a mother. I only knew how to fight - I only knew how to survive.

I cried not because of someone's hatred towards me - not because someone was hurting me. I cried because I loved this child and I didn't want her to ever feel shame and pain and fear like I had. I cried because I was afraid I couldn't give her what she needed.

Love made me cry. Not hate, not violence, not having to fight to survive.

25 comments:

ellie said...

the tremendous healing power of tears...Amen. Your post reminds me that God holds every tear (shed or not) in the palm of His Hand. Thank you for writing so well of your experiences, Sara. You are truly gifted.

Just Be Real said...

Sarah, I am speechless.
I do not know what to say.

I just see such a brave woman, who has overcome a lot, and also still has a lot to overcome.

I see someone who's faith is strong, even though there are days when I am sure it does wavier, I understand completely. The determination in you that you share is unbelievable.

Thank you so much for sharing this post on your tears and where they are stemming from. Blessings and hugs.....

Madison said...

When I read your post, I hope someone went to jail.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Sarah, thanks for sharing your story. It continues to shock me as I read so many stories like yours and others who have endured so much, but have overcome and gone on to be loving people. Of course the pain, the anger, the shame is still lingering in all of us, but I can tell you have come a long way and are now helping others by sharing your story.

Andrea said...

Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your heart. I was taught by my parents not to cry (similar situation to yours). Thankfully, I did spend some of my formative years with Godly grandparents. However, the damage of holding the tears was embedded in my being. I was NOT healed for many years and still sometimes struggle in this area. I have felt the most peace to cry over the last couple of years. I praise GOD with you that HE still continues to heal us.
Blessings, andrea

RCUBEs said...

I'm glad you let your tears washed away your fears and overcome the pain. You may have been scarred for life but because of your faith, it will heal! No! It was healed because He already paid the price. Thank you for sharing your heart today and by doing so, I am blessed by your courage, your love for your child and your faith in God. Blessings to you.

Paula said...

Sarah, I cam and left and returned several times to this post of yours as I am so very deeply moved. That are the moments where I can feel the militation of my English skillas I am not able to express what I feel. Please allow me to say JBR words I would like to join. You are incredible brave, determinated and loving. I remember when I turned 19 I wnated to have sterilsation. My mother delieverd me to me abuser and I felt if that is what a mother has to do to her child, I NEVER WANT TO BE MOTHER. Love to you. MIill fo hug

speck of dust said...

Powerful post! I totally relate. (though I have never been punched in the face, except once by a boy in the park when I was little). I'm so sorry for all that has happened to you.

Prayer Girl said...

Your words left me speechless. The power of the human spirit amazes me. The power of God to lead us through the maze of life to health amazes me as well.

God bless you and prayers,
PG

Deb said...

Sarah,

I'm coming back.

Your heart.

Your pain.

Your strength.

Your God.

Sweet dreams.

sarah said...

Paula, I pray you read this. After I read your comment, I felt stunned. Stunned because your words touched something deep inside me. I could feel your pain, your hurt. It made me sad. I wish you hadn't had to go through what you did. My mother hurt me too but when I had my child, I just wanted to protect her. She was so small, so trusting, so dependant. Hugs to you friend. Sarah

Mike Golch said...

I'm glad that I stopped by,that rings true to me as well.Right now my tears are of fear that things will not go the way they are supposed to.

Gaia said...

Sarah as mothers our hearts do bleed a lot more for our children than for ourselves. When we hurt, we cry. When they hurt, we cry too, but silently because we do not want them to see our tears... just our joy of having them around.

So many battles to fight.
God be with you.

nannykim said...

The longer I live, the more I see that all of us can only live by the grace of God. So glad he gives the grace and his grace meets us where we are. His grace is sufficient. What A GREAT GOD.

Lisa Marie said...

Gosh, what an amazing post. I am so glad God was able to show you His love so you could love your children without fear.

Kay said...

you have left a mark on my heart tonight...

Denise said...

Your beautiful heart touches me, bless you.

Paula said...

Dear Sarah, thanks for your kind words. Somehow we are all connected and all in this together and we all will make it through. I never say the way is easy but ever so rewarding and look at your tears. Outward tears can be wiped away, teh sorrow can be healed, while teh secret tears may scar you forever. I am happy for your tears, they are healing, you can wipe them away and we all are here to stupport. LOVE

Rhonda said...

My heart is breaking for what you have been through in your lifetime. I never want anyone to see that they have gotten the best of me either and if I cry, that has always been a sign of weakness for me in the past as well. However, crying can be healing. It is such a release of emotion and I have learned that it is okay to let those tears flow out. There are many days I'll put on some praise & worship music in my car so that I can just be reminded of God's love for me and to have a good cry. Hang in there sweet one......you have come so far.

Valerie Lynn said...

Oh sweet Sarah, how I want to reach through the internet and hug you and just simply tell you how much I love you and would do anything to take away your pain.

The tears you cried were from the frightened little girl inside of you. You finally released those emotions. The tears were the healing of your soul.

Sarah, I am so proud of you. Your courage in writing your painful memories of rape is commendable. I applaud you Sarah. You are an inspiration to me.

I love you my sweet Sarah!

Terri Tiffany said...

Our desire to protect the ones we love is strong--at least for someone like you as a mother.
SOmeone asked if the man who did this went to jail? Did he? I hope you pressed charges as someone else could suffer at their hands like that lady who was just found. Years ago, that man raped another girl and she wouldn't testify.

HeartfeltHeartLook said...

Wow ~ I didn't know what to think when I read your title. Your love for your child ~ In weakness there is strength. The fear of loving and it not being returned or the fear of not loving enough makes us vulnerable. And it's hard to admit when we are vulnerable or to trust and love. Your heart is your strength. Thank you for sharing with us.

Stephanie said...

Hi Sarah-
My God I am so moved by this post. The quote about tears-loved it. I am a therapist with years of grief and loss exp. in hospice care working with the children of our patients, come to terms that their parents were dying. I used to teach their children about the history of tears, biologically and historically.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
Stephanie

Wanda's Wings said...

What a brave and beautiful women your are. This post really touched my heart. Love of our children is a strong thing. (((((Sarah)))))

Colleen said...

Tears are so healing. We need to cry. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.