Thursday, September 10, 2009

Kindness in the Journey

"The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind to themselves." Amelia Earhart

Your comments really touched me. I never thought of myself as being brave. I've been afraid to be real, to be seen. -

Many of you have gone through or are going through your own pain, your own trauma - yet you give me strength in mine. I hope I do the same for you. I want to.

I've lived as two people. One free - One not.
Those things that happened - live inside me - Never telling anyone because I believed it was all my fault. I thought I deserved it. And I didn't think anyone would even believe me.

Writing - blogging has given me a voice. I need to tell - I want someone to know what happened.


For a long time I struggled to be strong. To not show weakness. I didn't realized being strong had become a weakness - a weakness because I couldn't let people see me. I couldn't let anyone get too close. Not telling created a wall of shame. I was afraid to be seen. I couldn't look anyone in their eyes - in case they saw - what I knew...that something was wrong with me - that I was bad.

I was loyal to those who hurt me. I never charged the rapist. I was afraid. Instead I used drugs. I threw up. I cut myself. - I never told.

One day God touched me. He took away the addiction to drugs. I still threw up. I still cut myself. I still couldn't tell. I told myself it wasn't so bad. And some days I wondered if any of it even happened.

I started writing. A year ago. And I connected to people. People who knew.
I learned I could still charge him. I found out he had spent time in prison for rape. I talked to a court support worker. She told me how courts worked. It's hard. I may not win. He may not be convicted.

Somedays I feel strong. I think I can stand up and do what I need - most days though, I still hide.

If what I went through - what I know - how I survived can help one person - then maybe it had purpose. I'm trying to get the courage to tell - to speak what happened. I'm practising here - with you guys. Thank-you for letting me do this.


20 comments:

Denise said...

Sweetie, you are very courageous, precious, and God's beautiful daughter.

Andrea said...

You are making a difference and GOD will give you the courage to do what you need to do.
Blessings and prayers, andrea

Gin said...

You are stronger and more brave than you even realize.

RCUBEs said...

And it takes a lot of courage to do that. Writing helps us vent out our frustrations, our pains...and in God's time, those wounds are healing as the bad stuff are purged out.

You are an encouragement and I'm glad that you chose to be used by our Lord in this way. Some may not be leaving comments but they are reading your posts. May the Lord continue to guide you with His wisdom, protect you, and cover you with His love and grace. Blessings.

Finally Free said...

Hi Sarah,
I am so glad we can all be here to help you practice. I believe you will help more than one person. God has given you such a gift in your writing and soon to be speaking. Thanks for letting us in. You don't have to hide anymore. God's light shines through you on this blog.

Blessings and Hugs,

Tammy

Just Be Real said...

Dear one you are such a breath of fresh air. What you wrote I could so totally relate to, and you have been an encouargement to me and many others. I always look forward to seeing what you post and wait in anticipation for your next entry as you are certainly a person of great strength and wisdom, even though you may not believe it.

Blessings, and thank you for BEING REAL!

Rhonda said...

I am so glad that we are all helping one another on our own personal journey's. We are similar is so many ways. Blogging is my outlet as well. It makes me feel so much better to get all the garbage inside of me typed out and to know that there are so many out there supporting me encourages me to be real.

Keep your chin up and continue to be strong! Hugs to you!!!

Wanda's Wings said...

You are such an encouragement to me. I see you a strong women in Christ. Thank you for sharing. Hugs my friend.

Paula said...

You are incredible courageous. You and the voice of your heart and soul are so very beautiful. You are doing so great. Please never give up on yourself. Love to you.

Wonderingsoul said...

I'm so glad that you have been touched by the comments here and that you feel so supported and safe. Truth be told Sarah, you deserve this listening. The awful things you have suffered, your journey towards a happier future, your thoughts, your tears, your victories... They deserve to be witnessed. They deserve to be told and heard and responded to.
The fact that what you write is such an inspiration to so many is just an added bonus...

x

Madison said...

Please do what is the best for you. I have seen that juries are not always predictable. I'm all for a good fight for justice, but if 'not guilty' would cause you more harm...

Prayer Girl said...

You are a light for those in darkness to follow. God blesses your efforts - those for yourself and those for others. He will guide and help you.

Love and prayers,
PG

ellie said...

Well, Sara, I think you do touch a great many people with what you write here. More than you know.

You have touched me, for one....and in no small way.

Isn't it so loving of God when He leads us to comfort others with the comfort we have received from Him.

And you do.....and so, in this you are so wonderfully His servant.

Lisa Marie said...

No matter what happens, your voice will be heard in that courtroom. He will no longer silence you.

speck of dust said...

Everything you write resonates with me. I understand because you're writing about my life too. It helps me to forgive myself and forgive others. Have you thought about EMDR therapy? It has helped me be stronger because it has enabled me to let go of the fear that was stored in my brain which is a result of trauma. It is hard work though and you need to have good supports in place. I didn't really. But I'm so glad I did it. It has helped me to move forward in ways that is just astounding me.
Best wishes to you x

Deb said...

You don't have to be strong.

All of the time.

Our loving God.

He is your strength.

And your words.

I hear.

I feel.

Their power.

Your power.

His power in you.

Praying for you.

Sweet dreams.

nannykim said...

At least you are standing for what is right even if the guy does not get convicted. You are choosing to do what is right and it may help others. I guess the thing that instills hope in the heart is the knowledge that ultimately in eternity justice will be done. I am glad we have a God that loves justice and that is just. I am also glad that Christ has paid the penalty for our sins or none of us could face God and live.

Sharon aka Sapphire said...

Sarah,
Something I recently learned (at 43) is that our path, no matter how sad or violent it is, brings us to who we are today.

For me, telling someone my truths made a difference. The anger inside me dissapated.

Best wishes to you.

ellie said...

Hi, Sarah! I'm writing you back here since I don't have another way to contact ya! lol Thanks so much for your comment....and letting me know what Hebrew name means...I had no idea. I know that my name in English means "light"....and I've always liked that about my name. Can I ask you what my Hebrew name looks like spelled....the actual word?

Thanks so much for following my blog, too....if you hadn't, I wouldn't have ever known about you and I do get so much out of everything you write. I feel very blessed to read about how God is working in your life.

nannykim said...

Hi--read this this morning and made me think of you. There is beauty in this passage for IICor--I think it is from chapter 4:

Treasure in Jars of Clay
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. 8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. 11 For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So death is at work in us, but life in you.

13 Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, “I believed, and so I spoke,” we also believe, and so we also speak, 14 knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence. 15 For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self [10] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.