Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Nightmare


"It was a dark and stormy nightmare." Neil Gaiman

I woke up feeling it....ice cold terror. We had been at a party...somewhere in the country. I couldn't find my oldest daughter. Nobody seemed concerned. She'll show up they said. The night went on. People told me not to worry - I did.  I wandered around gripping my youngest - looking everywhere for my oldest. I couldn't find her. She had vanished. Someone asked me to take a phone call in the house. I took my youngest with me. I wouldn't let go of her. I kept telling the person on the phone I couldn't talk to them....I finally hung up and made my way back to the party. Everything had turned to ice- the ground, the handrails, the steps  - my heart. 

I used to have these dreams all the time - waking up in a panic - a cold sweat - afraid someone would hurt my girls or had taken them away. It's been a long time since I had these dreams.  

A friend of mine read my book. The night before the dream - she called...told me she hated the rapist - told me he should be charged...that he's walking free....that he's still out there. She would help me. She knows the legal system. 

She meant well. I told her I would think about it. I did. I dreamt about my oldest daughter getting hurt.

I can't charge him. Not if my girls will get hurt. Not if something will happen to them. They are worth more than him being charged. I just want to trust that God will deal with him somehow. I don't know if that sounds too airy fairy but I can't charge him. I just can't. I hope that's ok. I hope people understand. I hope they don't think less of me. I'm just afraid to go there. I'm afraid for my girls....not for me. If it was just me...then maybe, but I want to protect my girls...keep them safe - as safe as I can in a world that can be so cruel.

20 comments:

Kay said...

sometimes the best way to protect people is to lead by example, do what is right and stand strong.

Andrea said...

Sarah...you know I speak from my heart and you know I love you. I also do NOT judge your decision, either way, but I would like to ask you to pray about a question and let GOD give you the answer. He has given me this question as I read:

Are your girls safer with a rapist running free or with him behind bars?

I love you,
andrea

Finally Free said...

Dear Sarah,

I know your friend meant well, but this is such a personal decision. I believe God will lead you to the decision that is right for you. I definitely would never think less of you. I pray that you will find peace in your heart about this. As people read your book, they will have a passion for justice. I think we are wired that way.

There are many variable to consider. It is a really complicated and messy decision that affects alot of people.

It is your decision alone to make.

Blessings my friend,
Tammy

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

Hey, Sarah!

This must be one of the hardest decisions ever to make. I pray for peace and wisdom for you as you make it and then walk out that decision. Whatever you decide, you aren't in it alone. God is with you and will never leave.

RCUBEs said...

Working in a correctional facility where there are also flaws, I understand your concern...But spiritually speaking, we know that we wrestle not against humans but against principalities. Give it to God and let Him be the One to lead you. Anything of fear is not from Him, you know that. And the enemies sometimes can attack you in your sleep. Always don the Armor even when you're sleeping. Protect your children by prayer coverings. I'm also praying for all of my bloggy friends and precious sisters, like you...I felt fear when I started reading your post. I almost lost my child when he was 5 or 6 yrs.old when the line after their Christmas program broke up and these children were lost as the parents didn't obey to wait until they were all inside the classroom intended to gather them where parents could pick them up. That was the most horrible feeling my hubby and I had! One parent who knew me found him wandering, crying. I was upset, same with my husband. That night, I held him in my arms all night long. I couldn't imagine losing him...

Fearing for our children's safety is normal, to be cautious but we must not be paralyzed that we are not doing the things that God had intended for us to do, along with our children. Praying for the Lord to guide you with His divine wisdom and protection. Be strong my sister!

Susan said...

I get it. I TOTALLY get it!!!
There are so many who want me to charge my rapist and see him put away. I haven't.
There are so many other factors involved that those outside the situation can't imagine. I continually hope that's ok too. I worry that folks will think less of me, etc.
We lived through the situation. We continue to live through the after-effects. So we get to decide how it is best for us to live with it. I totally respect and understand your decision! Maybe, eventually, how you choose to live with it will change, maybe it won't. Do what you need to do.

Shattered said...

There is no way that you will hear judgement from me. I was faced with a very similar decision several years back. I know how hard it can be but follow your heart and protect the ones you hold the closest to you - your daughters and yourself.

Dean Corso said...

Thank you for your comment and for your concern, I hope you and family are alright.
On day, you'll have this feeling, which doesn't come from your fears nor from hope...you'll just know to do it or not, wait for it.

Karen said...

Amen to following your heart...the Lord will guide you and provide the wisdom to know what to do and when to do it...and the peace afterwards will come...no one should judge anyone else...especially on decisions based on heart-to-hearts with God....

Mike Golch said...

Each of us have to follw our hearts and hope that God it pointing the way for us with our hearts.

daylily777 said...

I am praying for you , What you do is between you & God .He is the one to lead you in this matter.
Love in Christ,
~Myrna

Epiphany said...

The wrestle between wanting justice now and leaving it to God is a hard one isn't it? I know that one!

As someone SUPER wise says to me all the time, be gentle with yourself my friend. xxx

Just Be Real said...

Dear Sarah, this is certainly not an easy decision. It is the peace in your heart that you must rely on. I believe God WILL give you that peace either way. (((((((Sarah))))))

Deborah Ann said...

God will show you the way, of that I am confident. You might just be walking baby steps for a time, after what you've been through, it will take a mountain of healing, and that might not happen all at once. God will lead you...

Zan said...

Sending you many hugs and much love.
I understand you must feel trapped between a rock and a hard place here. But only you know what's best for you.
And if you can't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else so you need to put yourself first.

I don't think any less of you. I still admire you just as much as I did before.
xx

S. Etole said...

May you continue to experience healing and the Lord's presence.

Steve E said...

Always remember (I try to do this) that people may think more or less of how you deal with life--but only for an instant. BECAUSE people usually get right back to "thinking about themselves".

You may have trouble to understand that--because you are not one of them--grin!

Best wishes for a GooooD 2010....

Audrinna said...

Happy new year my friend

Paula said...

Dear Sarah, never walked in your shoes however I imagine you must feel trapped. Very trapped actually. I believe you have to do what you feel right and accept the fact that you girls might find out anyway. Sometimes it simply happens as much as one wants to avoid it. I believe in you making the right decision for you and your girls. Love from Munich.

Wanda's Wings said...

You have to do what is right for you. It is between you and God, nobody else.