My sister and I were separated since we were kids. Our parents tried to turn us against each other and keep us apart. It worked. We lived our lives in different worlds...not knowing each other...not trusting the other.....
But the sister bond between us brought us together - strong and tight...in spite of what they did to keep us apart.
The two of us are different - I'm the youngest...a thinker - practical - cautious trusting people. My sister runs on her emotions...She cracks me up with her crazy adventures that always end in a cry for help. Impusive with money, she buys whatever she wants....never looks at prices. Me? I don't spend....I wait...I can't make up my mind. I never know what I want....what I like....I calculate the cost and often talk myself out of buying something. I'm physical...a runner...restless...always moving. She's a couch potato. As a kid...living with chaoes and abuse....she reached out to others....found support...found safe places to fall. I pulled inside myself...trying hard to be invisible.
But there are similiarities. She too believed she had no right to exist. And she hurt herself. Not like me....in different ways. She became addicted to food. Eating became her comfort. People didn't notice her pain. Overeating and weight issues were more acceptable than shooting dope...than throwing up...than looking emaciated....She laughed on the outside...hurt on the inside. And she recently told me she took burning hot showers that sounds similiar to my cutting myself.
I never believed what happened in our house was bad. I didn't think it was a big deal. I acutally thought it was normal...that something was wrong with me for all the beatings and name calling. But my sister forced me to look at the truth.....forced me to see the impact it had.
Connecting with her has helped me heal...espeically from some of the shame. She knew the truth. I guessed at it. She confirmed what was in my head....I thought I had made it up.
Recently she's been telling me she's sorry...sorry for not being there to help me...sorry for leaving me with him...for watching me fall so far down with no one to help. She tells me I'm a miracle....her inspiration. I think she is too.