His hook were his words....gentle, soothing...claiming love. I overlooked his rage, the beatings, the name calling. He told me he loved me.....he told me I was the only one who understood him.....he said he needed me. I was seven years old.
He poured out his heart...sharing things I didn't understand. And when he hurt me....using vulgar words or his fists....or locking me in the car for hours...I still believed he loved me....I didn't know any different and besides - he needed me.
At eight....he beat me so bad I started cutting myself. I thought he was right - I believed I was worthless. Nine...ten....eleven...at twelve I stole morphine trying to block out his rage and my fear....thirteen....fourteen I was shooting dope three and four times a day.
Loyalty.....I was loyal to him no matter what he did or how he treated me. I tried to be what he wanted, to give him what I thought he needed. He spoke with kindness...tenderness but then in the same heartbeat he turned like someone possessed and I became the object of his hatred.
Loyalty - I knew more about what he liked, what he wanted, what he needed than what I did. I didn't exist near him. I couldn't. He couldn't handle that....so I disappeared. I went away. I got lost. I lived in my own world...
Loyalty....the rapist demanded loyalty just like my father. He said he loved me....that I couldn't live without him....and that God wanted me to be with him. Like my father, he hurt me and wouldn't let me go. I managed to get free...but I wasn't really free. Not for a long time....Not until I had falled so far down....not until I almost died - not until I felt His touch....and He showed me the power and truth of loyalty....
I learned I had trusted in lies, in deception. To trust from my heart instead of my head was too hard. I screamed at Him to kill me...to let me go...but He wouldn't.
I needed to learn to be loyal to myself. I struggled with knowing simple things....like my favorite color or food or tv program. I had a hard time staying present or letting anyone get close and I couldn't stop hurting myself. He waited....with patience...with gentleness.
Loyalty - It's powerful. It determines the direction of life.
23 comments:
My dear Sarah, what a powerful post!
My heart ached as I read the abuse you endured!!! Again, you are such an inspiration and such an example of courage and determination and encouragement!!!! I am so honored to know you through your 'real' words!! You have no idea how your life has affected mine. Thank you! Blessings. (((((Sarah))))
Powerful, powerful post for a Monday morning. I thank you for it.
God's power trumps EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that enslaves us. God can deliver us. Thank God.
PG
After reading your book I understand a little more. Your childhood was taken from you. You were never able to just be a child and to learn from playing and being. Being cherished, being secure, being stood up for, being encouraged, being given opportunities to grow and flourish.
But you do now.
My prayer for you this year is that you learn to play like a little child, to have and feel the freedom to do so. To explore you! Knowing God is right by your side cheering you on.
Blessings to you dear child of God!
Learning that I possessed one of the common traits of an Adult Child of Alcoholics, "Loyal where loyalty is undeserved." was one of the most profound and substantial turns for me. "You mean a person must gain my trust, even my parents?"
BIG STUFF.
I can remember reading your hesitance of writing some of your experiences. I am thankful you write and share. The power of it is beyond what you might never know. I am most thankful for your healing, I can relate to so much of your experience and yet there is so much you endured I will never understand from my own personal perspective, I however see others with more compassion by seeing YOU, myself and others as we continue to overcome.
Blessings & Hope for you today and always.
What a childhood.. It is amazing that you have survived. It shows how strong you are. And your courage amazes me as well.
I truly admire your strength.
Because of your strength and courage you're able to help so many others.
Keep it up.
Many hugs to you and that inner child of yours.
xx
Sarah,
This is such a great topic. So many of us have been deceived into giving loyalty where it is not deserved. I had it with my Dad and then it just continued into all my relationships with controlling and abusive people. It is a stronghold for so many.....
I remember the exhiliaration and freedom when I started to say "no" to abuse and break free.
Thanks so much for shining a light on this topic.
I pray you help someone realize there is hope to break free as they read your words of hope.
Blessings,
Tammy
Despite that unimaginable pain and suffering you had to endure, you are encouraging many now. Thank you for the courage to do so. May God's healing and comfort continue to cover you. Take care sister. And be strong in the Lord's mighty power :) Have a great week!
Ech time I am amazed at your strength and determination as survivor. You are such an inspiration and every day I am grateful to have found you. Yeah, I was and sometimes still are loyal to all sorts of things and people but not me. It is such a difficult re-direction. Picking up the challenge and work every day again. Love to you
It definitely does. I was thinking the other day that loyalty is the trait I value most. It needs to be based on truth, though, not lies. What happened to you isn't your fault, Sarah. You were taken advantage of and abused.
GOD is taking the pain and heartache from your childhood and making miracles everyday. He is using your tragedy to help others. I praise GOD for saving you from this pit...for healing and restoring your precious heart and for giving you a purpose!
Hugs, love, and prayers, andrea
I get it. Working on that element right now. Just blogged some of it. keep fighting. ang
It makes sense how you reacted to all this. I think I would have done the same. You think if only you're perfect, you'll be loved. But then you realize you're not perfect, and the need to escape from yourself becomes your next fix. Man, I so get it.
I love that God saved you from all that. I pray the healing continues to mold and shape you into the person God destined you to be.
Thank you for your words and for your choice of song on your blog as well. Phenominol. I went from being molested by my father from 2 to 13 and gang raped and raped repeatedly as an adult (particularly from ages 18-23) so there is a lot that you write about of which my soul is reaching out to you. I just started having memories 5 years ago so I am still putting it into a box yet somehow God is gently taking it out through your words and others' blogs. Thank you so much God bless you and may God bless us all!
Childhood lost is sure a terrible thing. I am so impressed with your faith and strength. My first rapist was my step dad.I know the damage it can cause. You give me hope that healing is possible and I thank you for that.
Loyalty is such a strong word, feeling, verb, action. We learn a lot as children when loyalty is twisted and demanded. You are overcoming this... keep going. You are an inspiration.
I have no words that fit ... just to leave you with a blessing of healing and peace
Each time I sit down and read one of your posts, I applaud your strength and admire your ability to share your story.
I stand in awe of you, Sarah, I do....
Thanks so much for visiting my blog Sarah I enjoyed that poem very much as well and thought it soo fit my 'space' and heart today. I enjoy your sharing you are so open and vulnerable it allows me to be the same thank you!
Wow...your closing sentence is powerful...
I am about 2/3 the way through your book and I stand in awe of you and what the Lord has done...you are such an inspiration....
Sarah, thanks so much for stopping by my blog the other day! Have explored a little on your blog and am moved by your authenticity and vulnerability. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story so that others may know they are not alone, and so that your story can be used to the glory of God. Thank you for not keeping silent!
Blessings to you.
I'm very thankful for you and your writing. I don't always comment, but I always read.
Your loyalty to yourself is something I hope you are so proud of. The inspiration you give to so many is breathtaking. Bless you!
this is so sad.
Loyalty in exchange for deceit
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