"The mother-daughter relationship is the most complex" Wynonna Judd
I rarely argue with my daughter...but tonight I got angry at her....angry because of my own dumb fear.
She started a new school last September. She's the kind of kid who needs one best friend. Thankfully she and two other new girls ended up in the same class. The three quickly became good friends...hanging out together, sharing secrets....having fun.
A few weeks ago she told me one of the girls had applied to go to another school next Fall...a school for advanced kids. I asked her if she wanted to go also..she said she didn't know and besides the other girl would still be at this school. Tonight she told me the other girl has applied too. I asked her if she wanted to apply now. She kept saying she didn't know. She's worried about another change....she's worried about the two kids she feels the closest with leaving.
When she's worried, she can't think....she starts saying, I don't know a lot. I kept thinking about her feeling lost in the school without those girls. The more she said she didn't know....the more my fears escalated. And then I got angry.
She's a great kid....a thinker...and pretty smart....usually scores high marks....but she's shy when she doesn't know people well. Once she does....she's a ton of fun.
I thought of her on the first day of school last September. I had dropped her off and watched her. You scared? She nodded and then tears rolled down her cheeks. I won't leave you. I walked to her locker and hung around and met the teacher, and then those new girls came in and the three sat together. I left her that morning feeling like my heart was being crushed.
My daughter's an awesome kid. I hate that I got angry. She was already feeling scared and I made it worse. After a few minutes - I told her I wasn't mad at her....I was just afraid....and that somehow it'll work out and be ok. I want to protect her....I don't want her to hurt...to feel pain...or fear...or worse - have that awful feeling of being lost...
Funny think about love....sometimes it hurts. It hurts so bad. I have to remember my daughter is growing up different than I did. She's got love and supports...and a family - she's not alone and doesn't have to fight to survive the way I did. And she's got a steadiness in her....an inner strength. I know she'll be ok and we figured out there are some options....there's always options.