Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Conflict


"The mother-daughter relationship is the most complex"  Wynonna Judd

I rarely argue with my daughter...but tonight I got angry at her....angry because of my own dumb fear. 

She started a new school last September. She's the kind of kid who needs one best friend. Thankfully she and two other new girls ended up in the same class. The three quickly became good friends...hanging out together, sharing secrets....having fun. 

A few weeks ago she told me one of the girls had applied to go to another school next Fall...a school for advanced kids. I asked her if she wanted to go also..she said she didn't know and besides the other girl would still be at this school. Tonight she told me the other girl has applied too. I asked her if she wanted to apply now. She kept saying she didn't know. She's worried about another change....she's worried about the two kids she feels the closest with leaving. 

When she's worried, she can't think....she starts saying, I don't know a lot. I kept thinking about her feeling lost in the school without those girls. The more she said she didn't know....the more my fears escalated. And then I got angry.

She's a great kid....a thinker...and pretty smart....usually scores high marks....but she's shy when she doesn't know people well. Once she does....she's a ton of fun. 

I thought of her on the first day of school last September. I had dropped her off and watched her. You scared? She nodded and then tears rolled down her cheeks. I won't leave you. I walked to her locker and hung around and met the teacher, and then those new girls came in and the three sat together. I left her that morning feeling like my heart was being crushed. 

My daughter's an awesome kid. I hate that I got angry. She was already feeling scared and I made it worse. After a few minutes - I told her I wasn't mad at her....I was just afraid....and that somehow it'll work out and be ok. I want to protect her....I don't want her to hurt...to feel pain...or fear...or worse - have that awful feeling of being lost...

Funny think about love....sometimes it hurts. It hurts so bad.  I have to remember my daughter is growing up different than I did. She's got love and supports...and a family - she's not alone and doesn't have to fight to survive the way I did. And she's got a steadiness in her....an inner strength. I know she'll be ok and we figured out there are some options....there's always options.

20 comments:

Terri Tiffany said...

It was interesting to read this from your viewpoint. I've done the same thing for my daughter and I don't have what you do in my background. But what we have in common is that love and need to protect our children from any pain at all. From feeling sad and lonely. What you did was so normal-- you are a mom:)

RCUBEs said...

We always want the best of course for our chldren. But sometimes, things do not go our way. Challenges come up. But your strength will be your daughter's strength. Praying for the Lord to give your daughter discernment. Take care sister. You're a great mom. God bless you and your family.

Andrea said...

You and I are most definitely impacted by our pasts. You must remember: You are a GREAT mom. Your daughter has learned great values from you and I know she is shy, but she can make a good decision. Hang in there.
andrea

Jennifer said...

Yes...this beautiful gift I have with my daughter/our relationship. Sometimes I simply don't know what I am doing because I don't have my own foundation and examples to lead me, but then I let love and the work I have done lead the way.

Our daughters are growing up differently...THANK GOD.

There are always options aren't there? I love being reminded of this. I hope for the both of you that it settles down quickly and her concerns dissipate soon.

Shaista said...

Awh, you sound like such a lovely mother

speck of dust said...

Accepting that we will all have fears and pain about something is so hard to do! Especially if there has been too much in the past as you have had. It's really love to hear how you communicate with your daughter. You showed her a very mature way of dealing with anger. By stopping and recognising the fear behind it and disussing it. Really impressive!

nancygrayce said...

I only have sons, but we get into fights, arguments, fusses whatever you want to call them. Sometimes I catch myself blasting off like a rocket ship and have to pull myself back down to earth! It's normal. That's what I'm saying!

Wanda's Wings said...

You are a great mother!

Deborah said...

I think it is OK to voice your opinion with your daughter. I do with my 18 year old. Sometimes I get so nervous or scared it comes across like I'm mad when I am not. Just yesterday, she told me she had pneumonia and I got mad because she smokes. So I start harping on the smoking, but that doesn't make her any better. I just get so upset that she is sick again. Daughters...

Journaling Woman said...

Daughters are awesome. Don't be to hard on yourself. We love our children and when we love them and they feel it, life seems to work out for them. My daughter tells me all the time how lucky she was as a kid to have the family she has. I believe her.

You need to believe in "your" love. If I feel it through your words (and I do), then I am sure your daughter will do just fine.

Audrinna said...

I know how you feel i'm the same with my daughter but I don't about you because of what i went threw im still trying fight to survive but as i get old its getting harder,

Colleen said...

I have two sons. But I can remember wanting to protect them all the time and wanting to make everything better. I still do and they are adults!! You did the best thing. You were there for her, You listened to her. Kids need us to listen. God bless!

Epiphany said...

WWWAAAAHHHH!!

Your timing for this post is terrible (or a God send LOL). My daughter (eldest of 2 kids) starts school for the first time in just under 3 weeks and I'm petrified!! Ha ha! She'll be so happy I'm sure and I'll be howling!

Karen said...

Love does hurt sometimes...but in the end...it is so worth it...

Shattered said...

You know, I rarely get angry but fear in others seems to bring anger out in myself. I don't really know why that is; maybe because I'm secretly such a fearful person myself. Go easy on yourself though, we all get angry with our kids; sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for dumb reasons.

Deborah Ann said...

Oh, the poor thing! I went through the same thing in grade school, I think a lot of us did. Painfully shy, so much rejection. I'll pray for her, and I know God will hold her in His arms of love. Watching our kids go through this is even harder than going through it ourselves. Is she feeling not 'good enough' for this other school? Just reassure her that she is more than good enough and smart enough, she is the apple of God's eye!

Mary Moss said...

I suspect that inner strength and steadiness come from her mom:-)

Patricia Singleton said...

Your daughter has your love and that will support her through whatever changes she faces. Your childhood of abuse has given you an inner strength that will help your daughter. Having the support of a loving mother is so different than how we both grew up. Your daughter is blessed by your strength and love.

Myriam said...

this parenthood thing is difficult. Kids dont come with instructions and we are bound to make mistakes. What we have is love to guide the way.
Finally you wrote about this, I had a similar angry moment with my daughter that I felt very bad about.
Thank you for sharing your experience

Gaia said...

I have fears too, I lose my cool with my boy and hate myself for being so. It's not his fault, its just my mind playing tricks afraid that if he displayed any behaviour similar to his dad, he would end being a inconsiderate, hurtful person. I too need to remind myself, that he is his own person. Totally different. Bless you.