Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'm Sorry

An apology is the superglue of life.  It can repair just about anything.  ~Lynn Johnston
We met shortly after I began writing. She critiqued something I wrote online. Then we found out we lived 20 minutes away from each other. She wanted to meet. I couldn't....not for three months. A year later we have become the best of friends...talking every day....sharing our lives, our hopes, our dreams....our fears.

From the first time we met, she's been my corner....supportive - encouraging me to tell what I never could. When I struggled to talk....and couldn't stand to have anyone look at me.....she sat - waited in the dark.  When I tried to speak...tried to tell what happened....the words getting caught inside - not being able to get them out....she waited....prayed...sat in the darkness with me. Over time I did share the worst....speaking in broken sentences....not finishing whole thoughts.....starting...stopping - my words faltering.....She waited and prayed and stayed.

Tonight she told me there was something she wanted to say.....something she had wanted to tell me since last year.....when she knew what had happened.
I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'm sorry for what they did. I'm sorry that P. held you down and let him rape you. As a woman I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And if anyone ever hurt you now I would fight for you.  

Her words took me off guard. No one had ever said they were sorry for what happened. I had fought alone. I had fought hard to survive....with no one in my corner. No one helping me....only those who hurt me....holding me.....preventing me from being free. P was the woman who helped the rapist hold me in that place. She had the keys....the opportunity to let me go....she wouldn't. And she held me down and let him rape me. I used to think she too was a victim because I didn't believe a woman could hurt anyone the way she hurt me. 

I didn't know what to say to my friend, but in some crazy way.....her words are healing. I'm sorry for what happened to you....I'm sorry they hurt you. I'm really sorry and if anyone hurts you again....I'll fight for you. 


Pet said...


Andrea said...

All of us are sorry for what happened to you. Sometimes, it is hard to say those words. It should not be hard for us, but it is. So, today, I speak for "many" who visit here. We are truly sorry for the deep pain inflicted on your heart, soul, and physical body by cruel and evil people. May these words continue to heal your heart and bring renewed strength for the journey ahead.
Much love, hugs, and prayers,

Susan Deborah said...

I am glad you found her and she you.

We are all standing by you. Hugs and prayers always.


RCUBEs said...

Can't imagine what you had gone through. But knowing God always make a way, I know that's what He did for you. I'm glad He gave you someone you can truly trust and be open with things in your life. And someone who would be by your side, no matter what weather you are facing. God bless you sister and praying that His healing and comfort continue to cover you. Take care. Thank you for the courage you had shown in telling the world about this difficult ordeal and wanting to make a big difference instead for His glory!

Finally Free said...

What a beautiful person God has sent you. I'm so happy she said those words to you. As always, Sarah, you are teaching me to be a better counselor. I want you to know that when you talk about the things that are meaningful to your healing, I make notes. You are helping me be a better counselor. Amazing how God teaches me things that I could never learn in a textbook through your story.
Thanks for sharing this.

Blessings and Hugs to you my friend,

Dulce said...

well, that is something hard to read... You are so lovely Sarah. I am with you and feel you with me
Thanks for this and everything

Mary said...

validating what happened, saying it mattered, saying it was wrong, saying I am sorry for what happened to you, words can heal!!!

The telling of your story does that for so many others too Sarah!!!

I am so glad God placed her in your life!!


An Imperfect Perfection said...

I, too, am so sorry for what happened to you. And, I too, would fight for you - whether I knew you or not. It's horrible - what happened to you. Beyond words.

My best friend told me he was sorry for what happened to me. Something similar happened to him.... it's somehow freeing to hear those words - even though they weren't the ones who hurt you.

Just Be Real said...

What a God-send in your friend! That is someone to hold so very dear. Those words of "sorry" are so heart warming. Dear one, you are so very special and loved by many. Thank you for sharing another piece of yourself. Hugs to you!

Lily said...

Oh those two words. They might be more important than the three everyone else focuses on so much. In those two words, you'll always know the other three at true.

Words don't describe how happy I am that you have someone as amazing as this person is. She is such a blessing to you. I am so glad you have her in your corner to give you everything you should have had on day 1.

Colleen said...

The first time someone said something like this to me, I cried buckets of tears.
I am glad you have a good friend like this. Hugs.

Denise said...

Please know, that with all my heart, I am sorry for what happened to you dear one. I truly wish I could have been there to protect you. I love you.

Margie said...

You are so blessed to have that special friend in your life!
It is truly something to cherish!

"Sorry" is a word that people just do not use enough!
"Sorry" means so much to so many people!

I too am so very sorry for all the pain you have gone through!

Peace and joy to you, Sarah.


Svasti said...

It's true. The most common thing people used to say to me was "It's not your fault, you know".

Yeah, I knew that on some level but it never did change what happened, or the inner ass-whooping I was giving myself anyway.

Sorry... yeah... such a wonderful thing to say. Being sorry for someone else's actions and how those actions injured you, even though they had nothing to do with it. That's some powerful healing medicine right there!

Lisa said...

Just wanted to say Sarah thanks for stopping by my blog and saying I am beautiful and that I shine...doing more 'inner work' and it is really hard, painful stuff and i so appreciate the verbal least it felt like a Sister has been really sick this last week too like scary sick so my world this week has just been let's just say i finally feel like i have exhaled this week-end and the support and love from you and others on my blog i just soo need it and am so grateful for it. Many thanks to God for you. Will be in touch Love and Blessings.

Rhonda said...

I am so glad that God placed her in your life. And I too am sorry for what happened to you dear one. Hang in there!

Paula said...

Dear One, I am so very sorry what has happenend to you. I remember when a person said this words to me the very first time in connection to my abuse, I nearly fell apart. Yes, it is so very difficult to imagine that another woman could do that to a woman. however as my mother delieverd me to my abuser I am afraid I believe, yes, these women can do what they have done. I love you till you love yourself more. Hugs across the pond

Zan said...

If anyone ever hurt you again, I think, this time, you'd have a whole army of fighters behind you, ready to fight for you.
No one should ever have to experience what you have, no one should ever have to be hurt like that, no one should ever have to go through such horrible things.. and I too am really sorry for what happened to you.
but you've really come out on the other side, shining with a loud voice through your book (and this blog).


Deborah Ann said...

I saw a movie a few weeks ago, with scenes possibly the same as those you endured. I thought of you and my heart grieved. Later I wished I hadn't watched the movie, because those awful scenes were now stuck in my mind. And then I realized that as yucky as those images were, I had only seen them. I didn't experience them like you did. So believe me when I say...I am so sorry. {{Sarah}}

Grace said...

I am so sorry for what happened to you too, Sarah. What a blessing in life it is to have good friends who can help us (when we let them). You are such an really are
~ Grace

Beth said...

What a blessing to have such a friend!

Cheryl said...

Friends are priceless!

Thanks for visting my blog, I'm enjoying yours!

S. Etole said...

words are truly golden when offered in sincerity and love ... and so very healing

Just_because_today said...

A friend can turn the light on in the darkest moments; they can turn the upside world back to its level with their understanding and that is what she gave you, understanding of your pain.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I don't think it's crazy that you find that healing at all. I think it's HUGE! I would really feel validated and cared for if my therapist would ever say something like that to me...but I know she never will.

I'm so glad you got that from your friend.