It's strange how you can pretend something didn't happen...you can pretend so much that you really believe what you're pretending. That's what I did. I wouldn't let myself think about any of the "stuff." Not for a long time. I wanted to forget...pretend it never happened....just move forward....and never let anyone in my world find out.
I thought I had pushed it away...buried it deep...forgot....but I never did. No matter what I did....or how many things I accomplished....I walked around seeped in shame.....hiding this huge secret...afraid of people looking in my eyes....afraid of them getting too close....and haunted by terrible nightmares...
Then I started writing....blogging....week after week...month after month...writing what I could never say. I realized people were reading what I wrote...it hit me.....someone knew...someone finally knew....And it was ok. No one judged....or blamed me. Instead, they offered support....encouragement - respect. Because of that...something in me started to change. I kept writing...kept blogging....and it dawned on me...I was healing...healing from the shame and pain and fear. Sigmund was right..."to remember...to know, is to be set free."
Writing and telling what happened did something...it gave me a freedom. There are still things that I wish were different....like my need to withdraw - to be alone or to write just to feel connected to myself...but now...I think that's ok.....
I never understood why He let all those things happen....I never got why He let me struggle against them for so long. I think He waited until I was ready...and I noticed....He redeems everything...all those bad things.....for our good and to use what we survived to help someone else in their fight.....that's what I want....for Him to use what I overcame to show...if I can do it - anyone can.
I do remember.....and in remembering and telling....I am finding freedom.
27 comments:
Amen, may He continue to free you dear. I love you.
You know there is so much we will never know. So many things we will never understand.
Why is it allowed?
Why does He not just heal us all at once?
Why does He not take away all our pain, as if it never happened???
Why so much struggle???
I get glimpses of partial answers every now and then.
He does not push Himself on us.
He waits for us to ask for the healing. For our permission to work in our hearts. He is grace - filled, and gracious.
As I read about how writing it out, and others hearing about it, and you saying you were not judged, or blamed, but felt support, and encouragement. I think that is grace!!! Sweet grace. Being accepted where we are, and being loved in who we are at the moment, without fear of having to pretend.
What a gift God offers us!!
My dear precious friend, may you have a Blessed Easter!!!
He is Risen!!!
I totally understand the freedom you get from remembering. It's a great release and healing process. Keep up the good work.
Hi Sarah,
"I never understood why He let all those things happen....I never got why He let me struggle against them for so long. I think He waited until I was ready."
I've just begun reading your blog so I'm feeling totally inadequate in trying to comment. I do believe it's God's desire to free us from our deepest hurts. Oftentimes, I don't understand His process but me being ready seems to be an important component.
I'm glad to know you are finding freedom.
My Thought-filled Journey
OH yes, I can relate. Remembering helps. Fills in missing pieces. I remember that I so much hated to be myself that I created a complete second idendity. Had a hard time as I wasnt good at lying... Sometimes forgot who has said what. Pretending teh entire day to be someone selse when hurting so deeply turned into an andditional nightmare. Yes, writing and remembering, recognition and respect are paving the path of healing. Love and hugs to you.
Well-said. This sounds like part of my story...
Happy Easter, Dear Friend.
ang
Absolutely and positively, YES-writing is such a way to free ourselves. I am so glad you've found this path and this interaction with us... it is like clean water cleansing our souls, don't you think?
You are are great
And I feel this connection, so sweet, between us...
;)
I'm there with you although going through a different why. But I agree that when we go back and remember--it does set us free. I'm remembering the bad times too and how God got me through and trusting he will do the same now. So glad you are free!
Ah...the truth can set you free...but first it is kicking my behind...I too find solace and healing in writing, Sarah....
Passing by to greet you a Happy Resurrection Day sister. God bless you and your gals richly! It's very liberating to remember, let go and move on. Than to bury, hide and every time, the more it hurts, the wounds become deeper. Any pain brought out into His light, love and grace is very soothing and liberating. Take care sister.
Agree totally. when I starting writng too, things got clearer. What I was confused or afraid or did not see all came to light. It helped me settle my mind and somehow bring some peace and closure.
Amen to the freedom! Keep on writing Sarah!
There is freedom in writing. You box away those feeling until only an empty shell is left. You think you are handling it. It not even real.The pain is more than you think anyone can understand Abuse kills the soul.
blessings today for you.
Wishing you a blessed Easter -- and continued healing!
Continued healing as you grow stronger and stronger in the Lord. May his love wrap around you today like a warm blanket...
So glad you have found that freedom through your writing.
I am of the belief that one cannot hide from oneself, one must be truthful to be set free!
Carrie @ comfortedbyGod.blogspot.com
Hi, Sarah!
I love your honest meandering thoughts. I too, often wonder why God allowed me to get terribly ill and endure so much suffering and pain. One thing I have learned is that God has faithfully carried me, proven Himself as Rock, and gives me hope for heaven. Without my horrible times I probably wouldnt have as strong a desire for Him or eternity.
that is how people make friends and
have fun!
sorry jingle..deleted your last comment for advertising your store...
I keep a daily journal as well as the blog. It helps for me to write things down, to process and inventory them. Glad that you are finding writing therapeutic. I think that it has been for me.
Amen - my dear sister - I believe writing/blogging can help you heal - I find it brings me closer to God.. I stopped repressing and opened myself up to Him...
Love to you
Kelly
Amen to truth and remembrance setting us free...and healing for ourselves...is a continuous process that comes from so many sources...including our helping others go through what we have gone through...blessing for blessing...and you are one!
I have found writing to enormously therapeutic. Just the process of getting it down helps me to deal with whatever is going on and to better process it. Thanks!
No shame, sweet girl, no shame.
Sweet dreams.
You know there is so much we will never know. So many things we will never understand.
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