"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt." Maya Angelou
There was a time I couldn't feel love. No matter how deeply someone said they loved me...or how much they showed affection....I couldn't feel it. It's as if there was an invisible unbreakable wall that wouldn't let love through. When someone said, I love you.....I didn't understand what they meant.
Rape and abuse had erected a wall. Shame kept it in place. Somehow though....His love cut through...made a difference...made a way for love to finally filter in. Then the dance began...to trust another human being and allow them to touch my life with theirs.
Fast forward 2011 - There's some people that make me feel like I am worth the world...the way they look at me....and talk....their smiles....their kindness..... they make me feel important....and are always in my corner.....
Then there's the few....who show something different...their words are pitched to sound like truth....they use words that indicate love, caring....kindness...but there's a coldness....a harshness....an indifference. I used to think that it was me...but now I realize....those people struggle with love. They have their own wall....
Still...empty words spoken like truth activates my loyalty. My gut knows.... my head knows...but there's this part of me that refuses to believe they aren't sincere.
It's like being conned.... having my eyes covered with a veil...not being able to see right. I focus on the words and accept the lie. I hang on....wanting them to be true. Then whomp!
Love and kindness...no question when it's real. Love and kindness...no wondering when it's sincere Love and kindness spoken without warmth brings doubts...angst....hurt.
There's enough good people...sincere....genuine.... that it's getting easier to let go of those who are not. It still hurts because something in me wants to believe.....wants to trust...
That's what happened in the past....I believed lies...I believed people who told me they loved me....even when their actions were opposite to their words....and I got hurt...really badly.
2011 - goal....keeping my heart open to truth and love that feels right.