"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt." Maya Angelou
There was a time I couldn't feel love. No matter how deeply someone said they loved me...or how much they showed affection....I couldn't feel it. It's as if there was an invisible unbreakable wall that wouldn't let love through. When someone said, I love you.....I didn't understand what they meant.
Rape and abuse had erected a wall. Shame kept it in place. Somehow though....His love cut through...made a difference...made a way for love to finally filter in. Then the dance began...to trust another human being and allow them to touch my life with theirs.
Fast forward 2011 - There's some people that make me feel like I am worth the world...the way they look at me....and talk....their smiles....their kindness..... they make me feel important....and are always in my corner.....
Then there's the few....who show something different...their words are pitched to sound like truth....they use words that indicate love, caring....kindness...but there's a coldness....a harshness....an indifference. I used to think that it was me...but now I realize....those people struggle with love. They have their own wall....
Still...empty words spoken like truth activates my loyalty. My gut knows.... my head knows...but there's this part of me that refuses to believe they aren't sincere.
It's like being conned.... having my eyes covered with a veil...not being able to see right. I focus on the words and accept the lie. I hang on....wanting them to be true. Then whomp!
Love and kindness...no question when it's real.
Love and kindness...no wondering when it's sincere
Love and kindness spoken without warmth brings doubts...angst....hurt.
There's enough good people...sincere....genuine....
that it's getting easier to let go of those who are not. It still hurts because something in me wants to believe.....wants to trust...
That's what happened in the past....I believed lies...I believed people who told me they loved me....even when their actions were opposite to their words....and I got hurt...really badly.
2011 - goal....keeping my heart open to truth and love that feels right.
23 comments:
I really struggle with that fact that anyone could really love me. Sexual abuse really messes with your boundaries and feeling of self worth. I'm really going to work on my healing this year. I know Jesus loves me and my daughter loves me. My son always showed me loved which I miss him so much.I just got to try to get stronger this year. You inspire me so much.
What a wonderful and heart felt post. I can relate so well. Keep your heart open my friend.
I still value my self worth. I know I am a great mother, great wife, great sister, but knowing that I love myself is a tough one to say.
It is wise to use GODLY discernment in "all" relationships!
Hugs,
andrea
You got me there, Sarah. I feel this post- every word. You, I love, genuinely. Stay as warm as you are! Fat hug!!!
Sarah,
I could completely relate to your post. Sometimes within this world, it can be difficult to discern who is being sincere and loving and who is not (it's a weakness that I struggle with each day).
Andrea is right though, we do need to use godly discernment in all relationships, but we will need the Lord's help to do this so that we are not judging other people on the basis of outside appearences. We should never make assumptions about any person. I know that I have done this on occassion, and each time, I did not reap good results. :(
At any rate, I just wanted to say that I have been enjoying reading the posts on your blog. Therefore, I have decided to follow you. I noticed that you used to visit my blog and now you have stopped. I hope that I have not offended you in any way. If I have, please let me know what I did so that I can try and correct it.
Take care Sarah, and may the Lord continue to give you strength.
Blessings,
-Lady Rose
I'm a big music and musical geek, so this post reminds me of a quote from Rent: "You'll never share real love until you love yourself, I should know." It's so true.
My freshman year of college I had a boyfriend who adored me, but I couldn't understand why and so I pushed him away because I assumed that he had an ulterior motive. Now I know we broke up because I hated myself too much.
Opening yourself up to love is so risky-- you can get hurt, but you can also experience amazing things. But we can't just stop looking for love because we're afraid of the negatives that go along with it because life without it is just... empty.
Happy new year, Sarah! I look forward to reading more about your journey towards your goal.
Wishing you well,
NOS
I know exactly what you mean.. I am familiar with abuse and it is very hard to trust.... and many times even when the person is trustworthy the old scars and betrayals are transferred to the people worthy of our love... I still find myself questioning things at times.. But we have an Amazing God who loves without ceasing.. Your discernment is a gift...
Love to you
Kelly
I've Become My Mother
Amazing Salvation
Kelly's Ideas
That's what's awesome with His love. It always answers in the deepest wound. Praying all is well with you my sweet sister up north! :)
Sarah, all I can say, as you and your readers have said it already, is thank you for sharing on this topic. Hoping your goal is met and mine to feel in this area. Blessings dear one.
It's very sad not to be able to trust someone. Trust is something that comes from seeing people keep their word time and time again.
We are dealing with trust issues with a family member. It's difficult. Only one we can truly and always trust without question is our precious Lord.
I can't begin to understand the struggles you have had to overcome with trust and love issues. Even without abuse issues, it is universally true that people will always disappoint. We will always get hurt somehow. That's why we worship a perfect Savior, whose proclamations of LOVE are real, sincere, selfless, and unchanging.
May God bring into your life more truth and love that feels right...
And for the record - I love you.
GOD BLESS!
Nikki...love and kindness go hand and hand. In my opinion, there cannot be one without the other. I'm so happy for you that you have experienced them both. :)
I think you have to believe in people AND believe in your cut - and if they are not feeling the same - step back and look at it.
Love yah,
sandie
That was awesome deep!
I often have said that people are so fast to turn on each other no matter what the relationship is with one another. Its sad. I can see what you mean about LOVE the words.
This post is going to have me thinking a lot in the next few days. I think I will journal on it.
I can say that I LOVE my daughter and son so much with no doubt and I know they dont doubt it, its unconditional, with some parents and kids thats not the case and that is sad.
Unfortunately there are and will always be people in all our lives that speak one thing and act another. We sometimes trust the wrong people, but usually we learn.
Try to feel sorry for them, and also stay away when possible. The main thing is to know who you are.
I can relate to this so much. Only when we love ourselves we can accept that we are loved. But also, I tend to believe the insincere people. I think we see in others what we see in ourselves. If I can be trusted, I believe everyone can and...then I find out later I was wrong.
yet, again who can love themselves so much Exactly what my poem is abot. It's true the more we love ourselves the more we have to give, the better and the more honest we are... but it seems not always enough, or does it?
Hi Sarah,
I enjoy reading your posts.
Have a wonderful and happy new year with all those you love, Sarah!!
I understand the way you have felt in your life. I have been through similar situations. God had led my way. His helping hands and arms brought me back to life. Praise the Lord for His mercy!!
God bless you, Sarah!!
All the Best on your way,
Starry Dawn.
Life and people have both good and bad in them. With God's help we will know which. Blessings to you in the new year up ahead.
Like you Sarah, one of the best things God taught me is to trust myself when I sense the woundedness and walls in others. It is not me it is them. They are wounded. I need to approach wounded ones with boundaries around my heart...to love with limits or I will be wounded by them. One of the best phrases I ever heard was "When people show you who they are, believe them." It has taken me a long time to practice this.
Your post reminds me of Dr. T. I could trust him and He made me feel so special.
Blessings my sweet friend,
Tammy
I am always in awe when you open your heart like this...
"Then the dance began...to trust another human being and allow them to touch my life with theirs. "...
None of us can do that dance with others...until we have first danced with the Master....
I love that quote at the beginning of this post. It's tough to try to explain this to children. We want them to believe people are good, but also to look out for the bad.
Your goal for 2011 is a beautiful one, and I have a feeling you'll succeed.
Hi Sarah -
There are good things ahead for you, my friend. Each day, you'll experience greater freedom because you belong to the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
BTW, I love the music on this blog. It always touches my heart.
Blessings,
Susan :)
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