"When you forgive, you're not doing God a favor, you are giving yourself the gift of freedom." Joyce Meyer
I'm not sure why it was so hard....why I struggled so much to forgive myself. It was easier to forgive my parents who hurt me....and the rapist who held me and wouldn't let me go....then it was to forgive myself.
Maybe it was the lies I had been told that felt so much like truth. Bad....worthless....garbage. I know now....they were what kept me stuck in a cycle of pain, shame and fear.
Forgiveness - I believed I deserved to be punished for what happened - I believed it was my fault....I was to blame. Letting myself off the hook didn't come easy.
We rented an older movie...The Mission. In it a mercenary accidentally killed his brother. His guilt wouldn't let him forgive himself...even when the priest came...told him he was forgiven...he still couldn't accept it.
He tied a heavy sack on his back...a form of punishment and carried it everywhere he went. He was able to finally let it go when the people's love who he had previously hunted broke through his shame and guilt. Their love and acceptance gave him what he needed to forgive himself and let go of that 'burden' on his back.
-it's what helped release me from the darkness that consumed my life.
-it was an act of kindness towards myself.
-it's was a process not a one-shot deal.
-I needed to say the words out loud....to actually hear them.
-to let go of self-hate and anger I needed to forgive myself.
Forgiving myself was like turning a light on in the dark...it was the key that turned the lock.....and brought a freedom I hadn't known before. I had held myself to an impossible standard...Forgiveness helped me realize I was just human and doing the best I could...Forgiveness....a true gift of freedom.