Friday, April 1, 2011

Unique

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
 
I was never allowed to think my own thoughts. If I didn't cry or laugh when my parents did....or like the same foods or programs or people......they put me down....said I was stupid...an idiot with no feelings. When the rapist demanded I stay with him... and accept his words....and his beliefs as absolute truth...but I begged him to let me go...he became enraged and said I didn't know what was right. When professionals insisted their way of recovery and healing was the right way...the only way...that they knew better than me.....and when I couldn't accept what they wanted me to do.....they insisted I didn't want help...that I didn't want to change.

I had been so stripped of who I was....I couldn't even determine what color I liked or what food tasted good without someone telling me what I should or shouldn't like. Living someone else's truth was living a lie...and made life an unnatural fit. 

I'm not sure how I learned to think my own thoughts....to trust my gut...to know what was best for me.....but somehow I did....and it's made all the difference. 

I may not want what someone else wants...or dream the same dreams...or think the way they do.....I'm me....different... unique...my own person. I know now....I have the right to think different...act different....be different. I have the right to be who I am.....however different that is from someone else. 

Making decisions....even simple ones like choosing the color of a top or what food item tastes best can still drive me nuts....and I can agonize for hours trying to decide.....but mostly now.... I know....I have the right to choose for myself....even it it's not what someone else might want or like.

Since my girls were little....I've taught them....even when things look right...sounds right....even if a billion people are supportive of that thing.....but their gut is screaming it doesn't feel right.....then for them....it's totally wrong. My oldest amazes me. She's developed her instincts to pick up on things others don't. She's learned to trust herself....something that's taken me so long to do.

26 comments:

Terri Tiffany said...

I can't imagine that kind of life. I have always made my own choices--the good with the bad and I prefer to do that myself. I know your girls are so blessed with you as a mom.

Finding Pam said...

You have overcome so much in your life. You are so right to trust your gut about everything. You are an amazing woman and mother.

This is an inspiring post.

Paula said...

Darling Girl, you have overcome so much. Seeing how your daughter is doing it makes this even more clear. From darkness into light. Love and hugs.

Crown of Beauty said...

Dearest Nikki,
The greatest gift God ever gave us is the freedom to choose... so that we love Him because we chose to, not because we were forced to. There is something so violating when something is forced on us... it robs us of personhood. God never does that to us.

I am so glad that God has brought you back to the place of freedom

You may not be aware of it, but your daughters are your redemption. How awesome it is to see that although they are their own persons, you are also seeing right before your eyes the real life "picture" of two individuals who are becoming the very woman you were meant to be.

And I know that has such a healing effect on you. Your children are an important part of your healing journey.

He is restoring to you the years the locust has eaten.
I am so thankful to God to see Him at work in your life. Thank you for sharing.

Much love
Lidj

~dawn said...

Sarah!
I, with genuine sincerity and truth could take this post of yours and write in as my own. I cannot empathize with your rape experience (I'm so sorry Sarah), but I believe that my own story of origin was the bridge to my substance abuse issues. We are not designed to adapt to another's way of thinking to the point where we lose our own very being.

Yes, I "learned" this very same dysfunction and it penetrated the first forty decades of my life. Such a sad existence........

My eldest daughter (Amanda who replies often to my blogs) is an old soul; she has the common sense and the wisdom of a wise old woman! Her feet are planted firm and she knows exactly where she is headed. She too believes in her own infinite wisdom and intuition. Gosh, if I could say I contributed an ounce of that to her, I would have served my purpose in life!!!

Thank you so much for this post today!
And, Sarah, the greatest decision of all that I have learned in this process is that "I will choose what kind of day I'll have"
Who knew!!!!
~d

NOS said...

I can relate to having treatment professionals taking away your choices (see: ECT). It's an awful, awful feeling. I'm so sorry that you had to have that experience in so many domains of your life. But it sounds like you are becoming your own person. And I like that person!

Wishing you well,
NOS

Karen said...

Such wise advice to your girls...such a great mom you are...

I so glad you are "YOU"...a special daughter of the King...I am blessed to have crossed paths with you...

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

A friend of mine always said when you give advice, give it with an open hand. God does not take away our freedom of choice, and neither should people.

I'm glad you learned to be the you God created.

Blessings,
Susan :)

RCUBEs said...

You've come a long way and that's because you allowed your brokenness to be filled by His awesome love. You're a good mom (well, one of the best mom) and no wonder your daughters would pick up the great qualities of your renewed life, despite all that pain you had gone through. By His grace, you overcome! Glory be to God Who gives us the true freedom! Please keep me in your prayers. My battle is only beginning. It will be a long process...But I'm not afraid because of what the Lord has done in my life...The way He had shown you how much He loves you. We must remain strong sister and you encourage me so. Thank you. God bless and enjoy your weekend.

Just_because_today said...

control, it's all control. All of them who told you you had no right to choose wanted to control you.
What I find more amazing about you is that not only you had the courage to change, but you had taught your child to be herself.

You are unique, Sarah. Definitely.

My Big Secret Blog said...

I'm in tears- again.

I am so glad to have ever met you here. I want you to know that I love you.

Huge hugs and kisses.

Ayesha said...

This is really a good stuff, This sounds good. I like it. Photo Recovery

CRY said...

This posting was POWERFUL!
One thing I do know for sure is that you CHOSE my Jesus all on your own! when my Hailey was little and I told her to pick a toy or clothes or whatever I caught myself saying, "are you sure thats the one you want" and then I had to stop and reallize that she is an individual, she needs to pick what she likes, not what mom or anyone else wants. while shopping every year for new school supplies I could rool around all the fun designed notebooks and pens and pencils and stuff while my precious little hailey is in the notebook section where there is no pictures or designes on the notebooks and in with all the plain stuff.
I see parents all the time at the store doing the same thing, picking for them because they dont like the one the little one chooses,

Grace said...

It always amazes me to see how my own children are such strong 'self-thinking' individuals - especially since I had no one to role model this for me.
Raising your children to make their own choices and to be assertive is so important.

Susan said...

Hi Sarah. Enjoyed your post. To me, the most important thing is that you HAVE learned to trust your instincts. Some people never do. I think you have made a long and arduous journey and you have come out on top! Be gentle with yourself and love the wonderful person you are (and have always been.) Susan

Chatty Crone said...

I think sometimes we need to slow down and stop and listen to feel our instincts. I can't hear them when all around me is so busy!

sandie

Patti Hanan said...

God made us all unique individuals and it is such a tragedy when people try to take away someone else's freedom to think for themselves. You are very strong, and it is a joy to read about how you are overcoming your past. You are also a great blessing to your girls. God bless you.

Mya said...

You have an inner strength that you finally tapped and were able to reach beyond your situation.
Many would have not been able to overcome the situation you were in. It is a wise thing to instill your daughters with trusting their instincts...this will build their inner strength.

Deborah Ann said...

Sarah, you have learned the most important lesson in this life that you could ever learn. I think Albert Einstein said it best:

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Listen to your inner voice, the Holy Spirit. God doesn't want us to blindly follow anyone. If we just learn to hear His voice, we will never be misled...

Lady Rose said...

Sarah,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am thankful that you are in a better place now, even though at times, you have "relapses" of the past.

I like what you are teaching your daughters as well. This will serve them well when they become adults.

By the way, I sent you an email, but I don't know if you received it. I decided to make a blog with all my poetic entries. I am inviting you to follow that blog. I hope to "see" you there. :)

http://a-housewife-and-her-poetry.blogspot.com

Blessings,

-LR

Sharon Kirby said...

How you continue to soar above your past pain. I so admire you.

Yes, we are all made unique - and we have to choose for ourselves what is right. Sometimes, that means turning a deaf ear to all the outside "voices" telling us what to do, what to say, how to feel - and tuning our hearts to the still, small voice...

Bless you - you are creating strong daughters...

GOD BLESS!

Ann said...

Sarah, Your story is so compelling, my heart goes out to you for all your struggle. BUT you have TRIUMPHED.... Thanks for becoming a follower of Not Accidentally. My sisters and I are very excited to share what the Lord has given to us and shown us through our walks.
Ann

valerie said...

Hello my sweet Sarah! Once again you are showing the world that with the help of God and your determination to change the negatives in your life you can overcome! I have said this over and over but it is so true: I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!! I love you Sarah!

lori said...

This is really good, Sarah. I think I need to make this an area of focus with my kids. Thanks for highlighting such an important lesson for all of us to take to heart. :)

PeachyGirl said...

I can really relate to this in so many ways. I am having to 're-learn' how to think after years of adapting to what others had expected of me, even with little choices like the colour of tops you mentioned etc...it's so nice to identify what is 'me' and isn't 'me' and to be OK with it, such a foreign feeling, but a good one too! Thanks so much for sharing, so glad I stopped by!

Just Be Real said...

Somehow I missed this post earlier. Very touching Sarah. Blessings.