As a kid I learned to read people...watching their faces...trying to detect what they were feeling....happy, sad....worried, angry. I thought if I knew what they felt...it would help me stay safe...it would help me not get hurt. I became so in tune with other people's feelings...gauging my own with what they felt. A hint of disapproval, upset or even a scowl....made me afraid...forcing me to do something....anything to make it right for them.
And their look of disgust - impatience...annoyance...triggered my feelings of worthlessness which quickly turned to anger.....causing me to turn on myself. I interpetated what I saw on their face...as 'rejection of me.'
As an adult....I still tried to read people....basing my self-worth on what I thought I saw written on their faces. Encountering anyone....even a stranger....who didn't smile....who scowled....who looked annoyed or dismissive....I took as rejection. Anger kicked in and again I turned on myself... cutting and hurting my body in ways that almost killed me.
I started noticing when someone smiled....it felt different...it felt safe...I felt accepted. Their smile broke through my self-hate....my shame....my feelings of worthlessness.....In some weird way....their smile made a difference.
I've learned I don't know what anyone is going through....I have no idea what they've lived...or are experiencing...Sometimes just a simple smile can made a world of difference to them.
