Triggers

Because of indifference, one dies before one actually dies. E li Wiesel

Most of the time I wake up feeling on top of the world...like I can fly and nothing can get me down....and then....Whomp! Out of the blue this dark feeling hits...and my heart hurts. This morning I thought about triggers....the things that push me back into painful memories....something that flicks a switch taking me to that place I just don't want to think about anymore.

.....like watching the news. I rarely watch TV or read the paper. But this week  someone told me to watch a video of a 19 yr. old who hung herself while guards who were supposed to protect her....watched. They laughed, taunted her and did nothing. At 15 Ashley Smith was put in youth detention for acting out.....cutting herself...talking back - minor things. And when she threw crabapples at a cop, they arrested her and put her in jail. What happened next  is unthinkable. They tasered her, put her in body restraints, treated her like an animal....worse than a criminal. They goaded her....mocked her ....laughed at her.  Now there's an inquest...now someone is paying attention b/c a lawsuit's been filed. 

What's even crazier....violent criminals...people who commit horrible crimes..walk free. This makes me crazy...it cuts to a place inside me that makes me feel like giving up.   It makes me think what's the use of trying to fight for what's right when the systems in place are so powerful..

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discovered something when she 
interned on a locked psych ward in New York. If you treat even the most severely disturbed patients with compassion and kindness, they'll respond postively. Why doesn't everyone get this? Why do people in positions of power often use that power to wield control over the vulnerable?  

Why did no one help Ashley? So many saw the harm being done to her...yet did nothing. I never want to be indifferent. I never want to be aware of someone being treated unjustly.....and turn away. 
Some days....I just want to close my eyes....and not think anymore about all the violence and evil that happens. 

I'm sorry guys...I just needed to vent....to say this...b/c Ashley was troubled and people in authority chose to treat her in ways that forced her to end her life. That hurts b/c it could have been me...or anyone who acts out their hurt. 

I used to see the world as violent...but when He touched me with this amazing love....that changed. Love made the difference in my world. Love and compassion and kindness.

Rights

"Get up, stand up, Stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up, Don't give up the fight." Bob Marley
 
 I never knew I had rights. In fact I believed I didn't even have the right to exist. This week....someone asked me to post only the positive....things about my kids and not the pain of what happened.

It's taken me a long time to speak....to tell what I never could....to own it....to look at it head on and not run. The shame lived inside, crippling....keeping me from living my best life. This past year.....writing...blogging...I could feel the shame leaving. I've learned something through blogging....I have the right to my voice.....I have the right to say what I need....I have the right to tell what happened.

I had been silenced by shame. It did cripple me...kept me stuck. I couldn't look people in their eyes and worse....have them look in mine. I never stayed anywhere long enough to let anyone get close. I still struggle with that...I have to force myself to be with people. But writing....blogging....helps me. It frees me. 

Before my book went to print...I spoke to a lawyer. She told me I have the right to tell my story. I have a right to speak my truth. I have a right to not keep silent anymore. Tell and keep on telling she said.

I need to tell. I carried it alone too long. I kept it secret....not letting anyone know. I can't anymore.

Moving Forward

"Live your life with greater courage, intensity and kindness." Oprah Winfrey

Whatever happened - whatever I survived - I want to use it to give hope to someone. Hope that life can turn around - that things can change - that addictions can be beat - that life can have purpose.

It never really dawned on me how bad things had been until I started writing and blogging. I stared at the words on the screen. I read and reread them. My own words - my own thougths shocked me. I had pushed it away - pretended it all hadn't happened. It hurt too much too remember. But when I started writing I couldn't stop. It's as if a damn had opened......

I want God to use what I lived - I want to help others. I don't want to think He freed me for nothing. Maybe if I can use what I survived, then all that horrible stuff wouldn't have been in vain.

I'm working on courage - courage to physically face someone and tell - I keep telling myself I am not what happened to me. I'm going to keep telling myself that until I believe it - until I have the courage - Meanwhile I want to reach out in kindness cause I know everyone is fighting some kind of battle.