Lost and Found

“When you're lost it sometimes takes a while to realize you're lost. You convince yourself you've just wandered off the path...you'll find your way back any moment. Then night falls....you still have no idea where you are. It's time to admit you've bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” Elizabeth Gilbert

Being lost is scary...terrifying actually. I was lost a few times....once in the woods. I had my bike with me. I was alone. It had started to get dark. I remember the panic...the desperation of trying to find the way out. 

I wandered in circles....over hills, mountains, passing streams and trees...everything looking the same. Finally....I dropped my bike and took off running. In my panic.....I prayed...more like begged God to help me get out of there.  He heard. When I came across an opening that had a stream of light shining through showing the way out.....I whooped and hollered....totally relieved...totally grateful.  

Being lost isn't fun. It's scary. Frightening. I used to be lost in ways that made my world scary.  I wandered in the dark....alone....desperate to find the way out....afraid I never would. 

I drifted around going over and over the same hurtful places.  In my panic.....I prayed.....more like begged God to show me the way out. He heard. When I saw the Light illuminating the path leading out.....I was totally overwhelmed with relief, joy and gratitude. 

Being lost on your own....in the dark.....is super scary.  I've never forgotten the feeling of running scared......the panic sticking in my throat....the hope of seeing a path I thought to be the way out and then the awful let-down when I realized it led nowhere. And when I finally saw the Light showing the path out...those overwhelming feelings of relief and gratitude.... 

I won't ever forget what it felt like to be lost then found. Because of that.....I always want to shine His Light for others so they too can find their way out.

Power in Writing.

Writing is a weapon more powerful than a fist." Hurricane Rubin Carter  

Sometimes it's the tough way....the hard road.....the path that seems meaningless that teaches the best lessons. That's the way it was for Rubin Carter. 

Convicted for crimes he didn't commit, Carter spent a lifetime in jail. A champion boxer...he earned the nickname, Hurricane Carter.  But it didn't matter how good he was in the ring....in prison....at his lowest....he learned to fight a better way.....not with his fists.....but with words. 

The words he penned touched a boy who picked up his book....cheap....at a rummage sale. Carter's words turned that boy into a fighter - not in the ring....but in life. He learned to fight for truth and helped win Carter's release.  

A movie was made of Carter. Watching his story unfold is hard. Something inside wants to turn away....to not see his descent into hopelessness. But somehow he learned to put pen to paper and write in a way that sparked something in a boy who read them...He succeeded in igniting hope....faith....and compassion in him.   

It's what I want to do with my writing...inspire...empower.....show how to fight back in ways that make a difference. But sometimes I wonder if what I write is meaningless....a waste of time tapping out all those words. Yet....something inside me feels this crazy urge to keep doing it....to keep writing.....to pen those things that inside....And maybe....just maybe....I can make a difference in even one life....like Carter did for that boy.

Forgiven

"The past can't be changed, can it? It can just be forgiven." Elizabeth George 

They live inside my head....the memories of what happened.....it's all there....the pain, the fear, the fight to hold on.....all that darkness.....and the people who hurt me.....who tried to keep me down...who terrified me....and tried to keep me from living free - they're there too....

But the neat thing.....they're just memories...with no power....smoke without fire. 

I have choices now....how I want to move in the world....what I want my life to look like...be like. I have choices.....what I want or don't want. It's still a struggle some days....but nothing compared to what it was. Most days now.....I wake up happy....thankful to be alive....grateful I survived....

I can't change what happened...or that I had to fight alone against people trying to keep me living less than my best.....

But I do have choices today.....how I'm going to live.....what I'm going to do with all that stuff.  And I chose to forgive the things that happened and the people who hurt me.  I can't forget...but I can use what happened to show hope and make a difference for someone else.

What happened....shaped who I am...they made me me.....a fighter....someone who refuses to stay down. I learned from living on the streets....from the things I had to fight.....to never give in....to never give up.  And I learned from the people I met....those more vulnerable....who couldn't fight....to walk more gently....to have compassion....

And those people who hurt me....who almost killed me from what they did......they couldn't touch my spirit. They left scars on my body but they couldn't leave them on my soul....

I'm grateful to be alive....to have another day to draw in a breathe and live my best life.....to shine hope for someone else fighting their way through the darkness. Someone once told me the best revenge is to live my best life. I'm determined....that's what I'm going to do. And in doing that....I forgive.  I'm doing that for me.....and for my kids....so they have a mom who'se free.....

We're going on holidays....heading to the mountains....a place I feel free....connected.....strong.  And it's there I hear His whisper reminding me......nothing is ever impossible to overcome.

Jealousy

"Jealousy is like salt in food. A little enhances the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under some circumstances, can be life-threating." Maya Angleou

I used to envy people who had what I wanted.... especially if they had a family that cared....who gave them support and didn't hurt them. 

Jealousy ate at me when I saw them with their familes....families who helped them out....who encouraged them....who were in their corner. I lived on the streets....alone...with no one caring what happened to me. It wasn't fair....

I wanted what they had.....I wanted it so badly....that safe place...where I could go to kick back...be with people who loved me....who cared...who wouldn't hurt me.

Jealousy...it's a cancer that burns inside... always hungry....never satisfied.
Jealousy....it made me crazy...wild...reinforced I wasn't good enough...
Jealousy...it painted my world dark.....empty...left me longing...yearning for what I didn't have......envious of others who did.
 
I've stopped wishing for what others have or don't have. Instead.....I'm grateful for all that I've been given....an amazing family of my own....a home on the Lakeshore....awesome friends who believe in me.....

But sometimes...even now...when friends tell me they're having reunions or get together's with sibs....parents....family....I feel that twinge..an ache....that old jealousy...wishing I had what they did....a family - but it doesn't last long....

Life isn't fair to alot of people....Everyone struggles with something or other they wish they had or didn't have.  And I've figured out.....not everything that looks good from the outside is real on the inside.  People can look like they have everything....but they may be struggling with a bad relationship...or some addiction....or drowning in debt. 

I don't say life isn't fair anymore....because I wake up grateful...everyday. Sometimes I have to shake my head to make sure what I have is really real......

I used to live on spam and handouts. I had nothing. And the worst - I didn't have myself....I had no peace. I spent most of my time hiding in
the dark....afraid of getting hurt....believing I was worthless....and about how to end my life. 

It's different now....I wake up everyday....anxious to get outside.....to smell the earth...and see the beauty in nature....the flowers...and mountains....the lake....and hear the birds singing and watch for a blueheron in flight. 

I'm grateful....for everyday....for everything in my world....things aren't perfect.....but life's pretty awesome.

Worst Fear

"The things which we fear the most in life have already happend to us" Robin Williams.  
 
The worse things that could happen.....already happpened. And I survived. Nothing could happen now that could be worse than what's already been. There's something freeing about that.

Corrie Ten Boon...a Dutch woman....lived a nightmare. During the 2nd World War, her family hid five Jews. Someone who attended church with them sold them out...ratted on them.....told the Nazies.  Corrie's family, including her elderly father were all thrown in a concentration camp. Corrie's sister, Betsy, died there. The Jews they hid....amazingly all escaped. Corrie was released from the camp the day before all the women her age were to be gassed.

I think about Corrie.....and what it must have felt like to be forced from the safety of her home....herded onto a train packed with more people than it could hold....taken far away from everything familiar....forced to live in deplorable conditions...and treated with terrible brutality - Yet.....

I lived my own hell.....held in a house for six to eight months.....raped and punched so hard my spleen ruptured......then living on the streets.....fighting off perverts and predators....later locked up like an animal....trapped in the system and treated like a non-person. I learned to fight...and I survived all of it. Many of my friends didn't.  

When everything is taken away....and the worst has happened....and you've been on the bottom with absolutely nothing.......and you survived....you know inside.....nothing can ever equal that horror again....nothing can be as bad.....as what you've already lived.

After her release.....Corrie tramped around the globe telling people that no darkness was so deep that God's love was not deeper still. The worst had happened....and she had survived. No more fears. She knew she had nothing to lose anymore.  I want to live the same way....not being afraid.....sharing hope...showing that the darkness really does lose it's power.....and telling people to never ever give up.....if I could survive...anyone can.

Today

"Nothing is worth more than this day" Goethe 

Yesterday while out driving we passed a really bad accident. Two cars....one jumped a red light and hit another one head on. Ambulances....firemen....police. Red lights flashing......crowds gathered...everyone horrified at the scene that had unfolded in a blink of an eye. 

A couple of weeks ago.....a friend called. Her sister had been rushed to the hospital. I went to see her. We talked....laughed....everything seemed fine. She got hit with pneumonia.....a week later.....she died.

Life - it's pretty fragile and unpredictable. I never thought about it before. I was too focused on fighting to survive.  But now....

All I know for sure...is that I have today....right now.....this moment. And for all those times I thought about ending my life.....Now I want each day to count....to be with my family....to watch my kids grow....to be outside....and smell the sweet smell of life in the air...and look up in the sky....and trust and know there's a purpose for each one of us. 

I've changed. Everything in me wants to live fully....to wake up...to know it's another day to kick back and breathe in life......

It's so crazy.....at one time.....I balanced on a thin thread hovering between life and death - not convinced life held any meaning other than pain and fear. Not anymore. Now......I wake up and can't wait to start the day. I love getting outside...in the fresh air....feeling the wind in my hair....hearing His whisper in my heart.....listening to my heartsong and knowing I really want to live....each day.....as if its my last.....to the fullest....giving my best.  I want to make up for all those lost years. 

And I want others to feel what I feel.....that peace inside...and joy that sometimes feels like it gonna spill over. And on the dark days....the days I'm too tired...the days that aren't going the best......I want to write....and remember.....I have  today......to make a difference....and live my best life.

Fighting Tools

"I'll never say never.  I'll fight till forever.  I never thought I could feel this power. I never thought I could feel this free" Justin Beiber

When things had gotten so bad in my life I somehow managed to grasp onto hope. Hope gave me the power to hold on...to not let go.....to not give up. 

Hope pushed back despair...It made me believe there could be freedom from the dance with darkness.  Hope became a lifeline....an anchor....

But what really made the biggest difference....was when I somehow slipped from hope into faith.  With hope I wished things would change. But once I had faith, I knew they would. I'm not sure how I even moved from one to the other. All I know is I needed hope.....and then I needed faith. Faith gave me the courage and power to fight back.  It enabled me to clench my fists.....grit my teeth and apply all my energy to getting out of the cycle of shame that had taken over my life. 

It was like being in a tornado.....the fight to get out was tough. I remember days when I was so tired from trying to stop the downward pull from sucking me deeper into that black hole. But I wouldn't stop fighting. I shut my ears to people who said,  you can't...you won't.....not possible. I couldn't hear that. I wouldn't. Instead I focused  on getting free. And looking back now....that road to freedom was hard....tough....long...scary. Very scary. Especially when friends died....gave up....gave in....couldn't hold on.  Many times I wanted to close my eyes...go to sleep...and never wake up. I didn't want to think anymore....or feel the pain......but  that fighter in me needed to fight...to beat this thing. 

Faith became my strength. It helped me. But first.....I needed hope to believe that maybe the dance could change. Hope gave me that expectation......and faith was the force that pushed me to the winner's line. 

I learned it can get even darker before the Light begins to shine through....but once that Light gets in.....it begins to work its magic pushing back every bit of blackness....inch by inch until all that's left is Light....