Forgiven

"The past can't be changed, can it? It can just be forgiven." Elizabeth George 

They live inside my head....the memories of what happened.....it's all there....the pain, the fear, the fight to hold on.....all that darkness.....and the people who hurt me.....who tried to keep me down...who terrified me....and tried to keep me from living free - they're there too....

But the neat thing.....they're just memories...with no power....smoke without fire. 

I have choices now....how I want to move in the world....what I want my life to look like...be like. I have choices.....what I want or don't want. It's still a struggle some days....but nothing compared to what it was. Most days now.....I wake up happy....thankful to be alive....grateful I survived....

I can't change what happened...or that I had to fight alone against people trying to keep me living less than my best.....

But I do have choices today.....how I'm going to live.....what I'm going to do with all that stuff.  And I chose to forgive the things that happened and the people who hurt me.  I can't forget...but I can use what happened to show hope and make a difference for someone else.

What happened....shaped who I am...they made me me.....a fighter....someone who refuses to stay down. I learned from living on the streets....from the things I had to fight.....to never give in....to never give up.  And I learned from the people I met....those more vulnerable....who couldn't fight....to walk more gently....to have compassion....

And those people who hurt me....who almost killed me from what they did......they couldn't touch my spirit. They left scars on my body but they couldn't leave them on my soul....

I'm grateful to be alive....to have another day to draw in a breathe and live my best life.....to shine hope for someone else fighting their way through the darkness. Someone once told me the best revenge is to live my best life. I'm determined....that's what I'm going to do. And in doing that....I forgive.  I'm doing that for me.....and for my kids....so they have a mom who'se free.....

We're going on holidays....heading to the mountains....a place I feel free....connected.....strong.  And it's there I hear His whisper reminding me......nothing is ever impossible to overcome.

Risk

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " Anais Nin

 Nothing has helped me more than my faith. It happened when I hit bottom...gave up....let go.. That's when everything started to turn around. I don't know how it happened exactly....but it made me believe in miracles. 

I had nowhere left to turn.....nowhere to go for help. I had done it all....the programs....the therapy.....the rehab....the hospitals.....nothing worked. Then He touched me...broke the hold of the drugs...14 years....shooting up....gone...just like that. But the other things....the eating disorder....the shame....the cutting...they were harder to let go of....

I learned....some things go because of a 'miracle.' But for most things....we got to walk through the pain in order to get out of it. I fought hard not to do that. I didn't want to hurt anymore...I didn't want to feel any more pain. I just wanted it all to stop....to be completely free. It eventually hit me....there was no other way.  

I had to trust.  I had to do the one thing I didn't think I ever could.  I had to face the truth. Look it head on....tell what happened. I had held the secrets too long...terrified if I told.....I would die. As crazy as that sounds....I believed it. I started to doubt if it had happened....if maybe I had made it up......or maybe it hadn't been that bad at all.

I knew one thing for sure.....I wanted freedom. I begged Him to help me again....I promised Him the moon...the stars...my life....
At times I wondered if He simply didn't care anymore. He helped me once...Why wouldn't He do it again. 

Sitting in front of another human being.....and telling what happened took my breathe away. The shame kicked in....I couldn't have her look at me....we talked in the pitch dark. 

When I think about it now.....I know He led me to that therapist....He used her to reach into the darkness of my world.....a place I had let no one in....a place I lived alone...with shame and fear and images of memories that tortured me and wouldn't go away. Somehow He gave me courage and in time......He turned the lights back on. 

I stopped running....stopped fighting....stopped resisting.....and told.....and kept telling....and each time I did.....He gave me more and more bits of strength to push out from the dark places.....and the freedom I wanted so badly.....started to come.  

I've learned it takes a risk to push out of the darkness. It takes courage and fight and mostly for me.....it took faith....trusting Him....to give me what I couldn't give myself....

I did it!!!

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak...." Winston Churchill

I did it. I talked in front of people...not in the dark....with the lights on. I didn't run...or hide. At first...I wanted to....I thought of excuses to get out of talking...and when I was sitting there in that auditorium....I felt myself drifting. I fought it...I forced myself to stay present.  Knowing people are in my corner....that I'm not running alone anymore......helped. It took the edge off. 

Courage....I feel it....inside.....growing bigger than the fear....the fear that tortured me for so long...that held me back....kept me in the dark....forced me to hide....taunting me everyday like a relentless bully. 

For a long time...it won out.....keeping me cornered...running scared....feeling not only its sting, but also that of its counterpart....shame. 

Courage...running in the woods.....feeling His presence....watching the blueherons in flight....
Courage....blogging....connecting to some of the best people on the planet....you guys....
Courage....my kids....wanting to shine for them....to be their hero.....and show not just tell...they can do whatever they imagine....and be whoever they want.
Courage - it feels different than moving in fear.....this amazing sense of lightness...and freedom...

I'm glad He let me live. When it was so dark....living on life's edge.....I could never imagine life being any different than the pain and fear and shame of what it was. I don't know why I hung on and fought so hard to survive when friends of mine gave up and lost their hold on life.  Why me...not them? For a long time I kept asking myself that. But I did live. And because I did....I want to make a difference. I want to reflect hope....and show freedom is possible.....and living with no hope can be turned to know hope.  

Something I found out....when you're standing alone in the pitch black.....and you can't see any way ray of hope to get out......if you hang on with all your might...grit your teeth in determination....refuse to never let go...never give up.....in time the Light will shine in the darkness and things will get better...

 

 

Rights

"If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If there's shouting after you, keep going. Don't ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going."Harriet Tubman

Harriet Tubman born a slave.....had no rights...forced to do what someone else wanted....living less than human...a miserable life.....letting others define her worth...

A slave....subjected to the whim of those who claimed ownership over her. Like a dog chained and bound to another. But somewhere deep inside, she knew - she was born to live free. She wouldn't stay a slave....no matter what anyone said. She fought...closed her ears to those who said she couldn't do it.....risked her life....risked everything....to be free.  

Funny thing....once she got free.....she went back....risked her life again...wanting others to  find freedom too. Harriet Tubman....a slave....a woman....a black woman.....a hero. 

I think I feel what Harriet Tubman must have felt. That fighter mentality...fighting to be free....knowing inside it's my right....everyone's right. It's how He created us....to live free...to be our own person....choosing the life we want...not letting anyone or anything define who we are or who we become.

I won't let what happened define me anymore. I won't let shame or fear force me to live less than human. And I'm going to tell and keep on telling so others also can know there's a way to freedom...and a right to that freedom for all of us. I used to think I had no rights...not even the right to exist.  I used to believe others knew better than me about what I needed and what was good for me. I used to.....not anymore. I want the freedom that comes from knowing it's a right...my right.....everyone's right.

Running alone in the woods....hearing His gentle whisper in my heart....I know He's running with me....I know He's helping me to live free. 

Anger...Frustration

"No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched."  George Jean Nathan
Anger...frustration.....too many things going wrong. I want to scream....run away.....hide. 
Anger...frustration courses through my system like a wild stallion....out of control.....stampeding over my life....
Anger...frustration...small things becoming big....huge....overwhelming.
Anger....frustration....it tears at me inside....chipping and pulling and tearing until I feel like I'm cracking.....falling...falling away from me. I try reaching back for sanity....I can't...can't find it....I need to get out... run...go...find release....feel peace again.. I need the calm...the balance...the sanity....

You're so calm...people tell me....But I'm not....I'm angry...frustrated...I don't know how to deal with this...don't know what to do with the out of control feelings that threaten to take me down.....to that place of darkness....of hopelessness...of not caring...

Anger...frustration....has a life of it's own...taking over  like a demon possessing my life....and even my body. The tension builds....needing to be released. I'm out the door .....to the woods...don't care that it's cold and muddy and windy....don't care if it rains or snows or hails....Running to release it....trying to outrun it....feeling the pain in my legs from pounding the earth...can't stop....my breathing hard encourages me on....I won't let the anger, frustration rule...I won't let it force me down....running.....feeling the freedom....being outdoors....alone....the pain in my body releasing the angst in my soul. 

Anger....frustration....demons to contend with...demons that have always tried to destroy with their intense power....their unyielding force....laughing in my face....as if they've won the battle...the fight...I won't let them anymore.....running to be free....running to let go....running to find my way back to myself....to that peace and calm and reason......Run....Breathe...Let go.....