Lost and Found

“When you're lost it sometimes takes a while to realize you're lost. You convince yourself you've just wandered off the path...you'll find your way back any moment. Then night falls....you still have no idea where you are. It's time to admit you've bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” Elizabeth Gilbert

Being lost is scary...terrifying actually. I was lost a few times....once in the woods. I had my bike with me. I was alone. It had started to get dark. I remember the panic...the desperation of trying to find the way out. 

I wandered in circles....over hills, mountains, passing streams and trees...everything looking the same. Finally....I dropped my bike and took off running. In my panic.....I prayed...more like begged God to help me get out of there.  He heard. When I came across an opening that had a stream of light shining through showing the way out.....I whooped and hollered....totally relieved...totally grateful.  

Being lost isn't fun. It's scary. Frightening. I used to be lost in ways that made my world scary.  I wandered in the dark....alone....desperate to find the way out....afraid I never would. 

I drifted around going over and over the same hurtful places.  In my panic.....I prayed.....more like begged God to show me the way out. He heard. When I saw the Light illuminating the path leading out.....I was totally overwhelmed with relief, joy and gratitude. 

Being lost on your own....in the dark.....is super scary.  I've never forgotten the feeling of running scared......the panic sticking in my throat....the hope of seeing a path I thought to be the way out and then the awful let-down when I realized it led nowhere. And when I finally saw the Light showing the path out...those overwhelming feelings of relief and gratitude.... 

I won't ever forget what it felt like to be lost then found. Because of that.....I always want to shine His Light for others so they too can find their way out.

Power in Writing.

Writing is a weapon more powerful than a fist." Hurricane Rubin Carter  

Sometimes it's the tough way....the hard road.....the path that seems meaningless that teaches the best lessons. That's the way it was for Rubin Carter. 

Convicted for crimes he didn't commit, Carter spent a lifetime in jail. A champion boxer...he earned the nickname, Hurricane Carter.  But it didn't matter how good he was in the ring....in prison....at his lowest....he learned to fight a better way.....not with his fists.....but with words. 

The words he penned touched a boy who picked up his book....cheap....at a rummage sale. Carter's words turned that boy into a fighter - not in the ring....but in life. He learned to fight for truth and helped win Carter's release.  

A movie was made of Carter. Watching his story unfold is hard. Something inside wants to turn away....to not see his descent into hopelessness. But somehow he learned to put pen to paper and write in a way that sparked something in a boy who read them...He succeeded in igniting hope....faith....and compassion in him.   

It's what I want to do with my writing...inspire...empower.....show how to fight back in ways that make a difference. But sometimes I wonder if what I write is meaningless....a waste of time tapping out all those words. Yet....something inside me feels this crazy urge to keep doing it....to keep writing.....to pen those things that inside....And maybe....just maybe....I can make a difference in even one life....like Carter did for that boy.

Writing Break

"Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave." A.A.Milne

I don't like saying good-bye. I try to never say it to those I care about...the people I love. I think if I do.....I might never see them again. 

I've been thinking about taking a break from this blog for a while. I'll still be writing on my other ones and I'll be back here in a bit. 

I'm writing another book. I'm half through and need to focus on the edits and story line. 

Stay strong guys....Never give up your fight to live your best life.

Anyone who wants to still follow me can do so at my other blogs - 
Gentle Recovery or Write 2 Empower

Forgiven

"The past can't be changed, can it? It can just be forgiven." Elizabeth George 

They live inside my head....the memories of what happened.....it's all there....the pain, the fear, the fight to hold on.....all that darkness.....and the people who hurt me.....who tried to keep me down...who terrified me....and tried to keep me from living free - they're there too....

But the neat thing.....they're just memories...with no power....smoke without fire. 

I have choices now....how I want to move in the world....what I want my life to look like...be like. I have choices.....what I want or don't want. It's still a struggle some days....but nothing compared to what it was. Most days now.....I wake up happy....thankful to be alive....grateful I survived....

I can't change what happened...or that I had to fight alone against people trying to keep me living less than my best.....

But I do have choices today.....how I'm going to live.....what I'm going to do with all that stuff.  And I chose to forgive the things that happened and the people who hurt me.  I can't forget...but I can use what happened to show hope and make a difference for someone else.

What happened....shaped who I am...they made me me.....a fighter....someone who refuses to stay down. I learned from living on the streets....from the things I had to fight.....to never give in....to never give up.  And I learned from the people I met....those more vulnerable....who couldn't fight....to walk more gently....to have compassion....

And those people who hurt me....who almost killed me from what they did......they couldn't touch my spirit. They left scars on my body but they couldn't leave them on my soul....

I'm grateful to be alive....to have another day to draw in a breathe and live my best life.....to shine hope for someone else fighting their way through the darkness. Someone once told me the best revenge is to live my best life. I'm determined....that's what I'm going to do. And in doing that....I forgive.  I'm doing that for me.....and for my kids....so they have a mom who'se free.....

We're going on holidays....heading to the mountains....a place I feel free....connected.....strong.  And it's there I hear His whisper reminding me......nothing is ever impossible to overcome.

Fighting Tools

"I'll never say never.  I'll fight till forever.  I never thought I could feel this power. I never thought I could feel this free" Justin Beiber

When things had gotten so bad in my life I somehow managed to grasp onto hope. Hope gave me the power to hold on...to not let go.....to not give up. 

Hope pushed back despair...It made me believe there could be freedom from the dance with darkness.  Hope became a lifeline....an anchor....

But what really made the biggest difference....was when I somehow slipped from hope into faith.  With hope I wished things would change. But once I had faith, I knew they would. I'm not sure how I even moved from one to the other. All I know is I needed hope.....and then I needed faith. Faith gave me the courage and power to fight back.  It enabled me to clench my fists.....grit my teeth and apply all my energy to getting out of the cycle of shame that had taken over my life. 

It was like being in a tornado.....the fight to get out was tough. I remember days when I was so tired from trying to stop the downward pull from sucking me deeper into that black hole. But I wouldn't stop fighting. I shut my ears to people who said,  you can't...you won't.....not possible. I couldn't hear that. I wouldn't. Instead I focused  on getting free. And looking back now....that road to freedom was hard....tough....long...scary. Very scary. Especially when friends died....gave up....gave in....couldn't hold on.  Many times I wanted to close my eyes...go to sleep...and never wake up. I didn't want to think anymore....or feel the pain......but  that fighter in me needed to fight...to beat this thing. 

Faith became my strength. It helped me. But first.....I needed hope to believe that maybe the dance could change. Hope gave me that expectation......and faith was the force that pushed me to the winner's line. 

I learned it can get even darker before the Light begins to shine through....but once that Light gets in.....it begins to work its magic pushing back every bit of blackness....inch by inch until all that's left is Light....